The Struggle for Victory Against One's Self

Originally written Sunday, January 28, 2007 at 4:52pm

Hello everyone, and welcome to my first official blog! Well, in order to get things moving I decided to post some of my previous journal writings to give visitors a chance to read a little bit about me and what I have done in my recent life.

I was going to wait another three weeks to write this, but the fact that I actually managed to do "it"has inspired me enough to write this. This note revolves around a comparison against myself, then a struggle against myself, and finally a series of thoughts, inspirations, etc. I experienced during my run today.

First things first...a comparison between the man I am today and the man I was a year ago. Last year at this time I was flying out to the University of Hawaii at Manoa to deliver a paper at the annual East-West Center graduate conference. While there, I probably had the most enriching and fulfilling academic experience of my life. I met a number of intriguing people from all over the world and heard papers on numerous topics from several different disciplines of study. I still remember packing my bags carelessly with several different outfits for the presentation. It was only after I arrived at the conference when dressing for the opening ceremonies did I realize that none of my clothes fit! It had been a few months since I had last worn formal clothing, but I did not realize at the time how much weight I had gained while working on my Master's degree. I remember how upset I was, and remember how ashamed I felt when I could not even finish running three miles around the UHawaii complex without experiencing fatigue and muscle pains.

Fast forward one year later, and I now have my Master's degree and teach at a high school in Gainesville. I now wonder if I should try and pursue academic possibilities that could take me back to the University of Hawaii. It's definitely an option that presents tempting opportunities.

Today also marks the first time I was able to finish running 26.2 miles non-stop. With exactly three weeks left until the official Five Points of Life marathon, I was becoming anxious about not being able to log in a long enough run to reassure me about my endurance. After a failed attempt yesterday(only managed 13.1) due to some nerve/muscle problems in my right leg and dehydration from the night before, mild disappointment began to settle in. I woke up this morning with the hopes that my leg would settle down during the run, and I would finally be able to break the 20 mile barrier that had eluded me these past few weeks. The weather was near perfect throughout the run, and after 3:43:20 I staggered across the finish line of my run and near collapsed out of exhaustion and joy. I now have complete confidence in my ability to run the marathon in three weeks.

It's amazing how much thinking a person can do when running for such an extended period of time. After six or seven miles, my leg did finally begin to relax and settle in the rhythm of the run. The following is and interpretation of my body's progression throughout today's run. I found part of it extremely comical and part of it inspiring, but I will let you decide for yourselves...

Mile three:
Brain: "This is going pretty well".
Body: "Yeah, because you are doing so much right now..."
Right leg: "This hurts,(stride)this hurts,(stride)this hurts..."
Bladder: "Um....is this a bad time?"

Mile seven:
Brain: "Oh God I'm bored..."
Body: "...I hate you."
Right leg: "Well, this is better."
Bladder: "Yeah...about that whole 'bathroom' thing..."

Mile thirteen:
Brain: "Well, at least we're half-way there."
Body: "Seriously...do you get paid to do this? You have it so easy."
Left ankle: "Remember being sprained four or five times? Yep, starting to hurt."
Bladder: "Okay, in all seriousness....can we take a bathroom break?"

Mile seventeen:
Brain: "Come on, don't give up...you can do this."
Body: "Easy for you to say...I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."
Right leg: "I can't feel a thing. I'm supposed to be feeling something...right?"
Left ankle: "This really sucks. Don't complain when you find me swollen tomorrow."
Bladder: "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...can you stop MOVING so much?!"

Mile twenty:
Brain: "I've got nothing left...no energy, no water, we really need to stop."
Body: "I'm completely numb from the pain. There are dried salt stains all over..."
Right leg: "Stop slacking over there..."
Left ankle: "Hey, where were you for the first ten miles?!"
Right leg: "At least I'm not slowing us down...let's just stop and call it a day."
Heart: "We're not stopping." (Corny as hell, I know. But it kept me going)

Mile twenty-four:
Brain: "..."
Body: "..."
Right leg: "..."
Left ankle: "..."
Heart: "We will not yield. No surrender, no retreat."

Thirty minutes after mile twenty-six:
Brain: "Blessed food...keep this coming, we need more fluids here."
Body: "That's right. Who's the man? I'm the man..."
Right leg: "Can we take it easy for a bit now?"
Left ankle: "Do I look swollen to you? I feel a little....I dunno...bloated is not it..."
Right leg: "You're just fat. Now be quiet."
Left ankle: "..."
Bladder: "FREEDOM! *crying* Oh it feels so good...thank you Lord!"

I swear I am not crazy...but I really did start thinking this up while running in order to distract and amuse myself. It really inspired me to keep going when I thought about my body and brain failing but my heart staying the course. Resolute, determined, dedicated to the last. My bladder drove me crazy for most of the run...I usually never have to use the restroom when running, but I must have had too many fluids in the early morning.

There was a point when the sun was down and the cold winds were making me lose balance I was so tired. Randomly a thought crossed my mind: "What are you fighting for?" Like a searing brand across my mind, the gray fog of exhaustion cleared. A shiver ran down my spine, and the fatigue washed away from my limbs. Adrenaline suffused my body, and with renewed determination I plowed on, refusing to stop no matter the cost. I give credit my heart for never giving up, never listening to those tiny whispers of doubt and temptation. Never hearing those thousands of microscopic fractures in my legs crying out in pain. My heart saw me through this day, and I pray it will always be there to whisper encouragement to me in the days to come.

Thank you so much reading through this incredibly long note. Your efforts are sincerely appreciated. I only hope that you take away some enjoyment or understanding from this. I crave feedback, so please let me know what you think. Thank you again.