Just an Aspiring Peaceful Warrior...

Any Given Saturday...

2009-11-08T11:17:00.003-05:00

Tuesday, September 29, 2009 at 9:34pm

On any given Saturday, nations wake up in the millions to prepare for the glories of the day to come. From August to December, Saturdays are sacrosanct. If Sundays are reserved for rest, reflection, and religion, then Saturdays are proud paragons of people partaking in the prized past-time that is college football. History. Tradition. Rivalry. Monumental victories and shocking defeats. It's more than the players with their athletic ability and acrobatic performances. More than the coaches with their quirks, faux pas, and mannerisms. More even than the innumerable fans whose roars fill stadiums across the country. It is, simply, the game. The legacies of over one hundred years of storied programs and sixty minutes of roller-coaster scores and emotions. We live for Saturday.

On any given Saturday, no one is safe. Pre-season rankings are worth less than Zimbabwean dollars. People talk of parity in the game. Well there is no game that has more equality than college football. Give me any team. On any field. On any day. All it takes is one play. One first down. One inch. One touch down. One player. At the end of the day the rankings don't matter. Teams are motivated by pride, respect, revenge. Players are motivated by their coaches, their fans, their families. Every game is a playoff game. Upset lives on Saturday.

On any given Saturday, a hero can fall. People who are barely into the early years of adulthood stand as gargantuan giants in our smitten eyes. We rally, cheer, and yes, even worship our college football heroes. Yet even heroes fall. A torn ligament, twisted knee, shattered bone, or blow to the head can remove our heroes from the game. Yet despite the trials and travesties that befall our favorite players, they endure. They seek the best medical attention, train harder than anyone else to get back to who they are, and return to us a hero reborn. Hope lives on Saturday.

On any given Saturday, Championship seasons are validated. At the end of the season when we look back on all of the great games, tackles, break-out plays and jaw-dropping moments, we oft-times forget to understand where the turning point was. How did one team not make it to that January bowl game? What was it that led this particular team into the national championship game? We need to remember that every game plays its part. One blocked kick, and a number one team stumbles out of the race. One last-second catch, and another team jumps into contention. Every team. Every game. Every play. National glory lives on Saturday.

Below are a list of some of the best quotes there are about football. After each quote I've tried to include something relevant to this admittedly early 2009 college football season.

The college football season is like a nuclear war: there are no winners, only survivors.
Within the first four weeks of this college football season no less than 10 top 10 teams have fallen to opponents. Ten teams in four weeks. That's competitive parity for you.

Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas. - Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
I don't care who you are, college football is a religion. It transcends most logical reasoning, but literally hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of fans bleed their school colors week in and week out in order to cheer for their football teams. Passion personified.

After you retire, there’s only one big event left….and I ain’t ready for that. - Bobby Bowden / Florida State
As crazy of an old man as Bobby Bowden is, he is one of the greatest living coaches in college football. He's seen decades of teams, players, championships and seasons. Seasoned, is the word for Bobby Bowden. Entrenched veteran of the trenches. The man will coach three years after they stick him in the ground.

When you win, nothing hurts. - Joe Namath / Alabama
Ask Jimmy Clausen, who continued playing to lead the Fighting Irish to victory over Michigan State after tearing a ligament in his big toe. Ask true freshmen quarterback Matt Barkley of the USC trojans who played with an injured throwing shoulder to lead the game-winning scoring drive over the Ohio State Buckeyes. At the Horsehoe. At night. On national television. Winning is the best pain-reliever.

There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you. - Woody Hayes / Ohio State
Ask Oklahoma after losing to BYU in the opening week of the season. Think they don't have a chip on their shoulder? They are hungry for the chance to beat Texas and leap frog into the national title race. How about the University of Miami? The U just took a painful lesson in defeat at the hands of Virginia Tech. Two one-loss teams with something to prove, playing for supremacy in an upcoming game. Ladies and gentlemen, they couldn't script this stuff any better.

You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life. - Paul Dietzel / LSU
Ask current LSU coach Les Miles. He sits at #4 in the AP poll this week instead of being the fifth team in the top ten to lose. How did they win? With a goal-line stand at the one-yard line against the Mississippi State Bulldogs. You don't have to win pretty, so long as you win. Again, it's about survival.

I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game. - Bear Bryant / Alabama
Good old Rich Rodriguez of the University of Michigan. He took a lot of crap coming into Big Blue and winning just three games last year. Over the off-season, some disgruntled players started leaking how he was breaking NCAA rules by making his players work too hard. Players working too hard? Give me a break. Athletes who complain about tough practices need to be broken in, and broken early. Now he sits undefeated with the makings of a BCS contender. The man should be wearing a shirt that reads: how you like me now? Speaking of hard practices, ask Gary Barnett, who actually had to sit and listen to parents complain about their sons' practices being too hard. Excuse me? This isn't the powder-puff league. This is division I college football boys and girls. Poor guy is dealing with a bunch of pansies. No one at that program should wonder why they have a losing record going into tough conference play in the next few weeks.

Always remember…Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David. - Shug Jordan/ Auburn
There are no upsets in college football. Because everyone can lose. Anyone can win. Just because so-called 'experts' say a game should play out a certain way, doesn't mean it should be a foregone conclusion. More teams have suffered season-ending losses by overlooking someone they were 'supposed' to beat easily.

Show me a good and gracious loser, and I’ll show you a failure. - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
I hate Lane Kiffin. The man is not fiery, he's needy. He's not angry in defeat, he's petulant. It's like having a spoiled nine-year old throw a tantrum for getting everything he deserved and nothing he wanted. He is one of those people I really would enjoy watching suffer through physical agony. Inexplicably, Lane Kiffin's only redeeming quality is his beautiful wife. Congratulations Lane, you snagged a great wife, some great recruits, oh, but the job you were hired to do, you suck at. Again.

If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education. - Murray Warmath / Minnesota
Of all the big-conference teams, there is only one still without a win so far in the season. That's right, the Virginia Cavaliers are 0-3 after losing to the powerhouse of C-USA Southern Mississippi, and, even better, Bowl sub-division team William & Mary. Folks, this was supposed to be the EASY part of Virginia's schedule. It's going to be a long season.

The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb. - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
This is more of a "haha, I'm laughing because I sympathize" more than a sarcastic remark, but my heart has to go out to USC running back Stafon Johnson, who while weight training with his teammates had the bench-press bar slip and partially crush his throat. He needed immediate surgery, and thankfully he'll make a full recovery. Bench-pressing is considered one of the safest weight-lifting exercises that an athlete can do, especially with a spotter, which Johnson had. I'm just lucky that he'll be able to look back on this incident in a few years and laugh at himself about it.

It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it. - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
If you've ever been to a game with a good tackle you've heard it. The entire stadium feels it, lives it. And every time it's played on the jumbotron, you hear it again. Or you can just be sucker-punched after the game like Oregon running back Legarrette Blount did to Boise State player Brian Hoyt.

I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players. - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
Everyone always talks about how amazing this quarterback is, or how fast that running back. I guarantee you a team's offense is only as good as its offensive line. Any average quarterback can be good behind a strong offensive line. Just look at teams like USC, Texas Tech, Georgia, Alabama. Hell, even look at teams like Miami. Jacorey Harris is a great passer, especially when he can sit in the pocket for 10 seconds to make his decision. The same goes for Florida's and Alabama's running backs. It's the big men that create the output.

Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football. - John Heisman
Turnovers, turnovers, turnovers. Rare is the team that wins when you turnover the ball. Was BYU's loss to FSU that impressive? Or was it the fact that they coughed up the ball FIVE times. Was Florida's win over Tennessee really just average, or was it the three Florida turnovers that kept it from being the spanking that everyone expected? Turnovers rule the game. If the other team turns over the ball and you don't, watch out.

One of my favorites is this exchange with John McKay...

Reporter: Coach, how do you feel about your team's execution?
McKay: It's a good idea.
Every once in a while you'll get a coach to blow up after a game. You can always rely on Nick Saban of Alabama to turn a great win into a steady stream of critique's on his team's play.

Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time. - Arnold Mandell
Couldn't have said it better myself.

There are two kinds of people in the world, Notre Dame lovers and Notre Dame haters. And, quite frankly, they're both a pain in the ass. - Dan Devine, former Notre Dame football coach
I love Notre Dame for their rich tradition and history. Almost no other team held as much sway as Notre Dame has in America's football history. That has become tarnished in recent years which a much aligned program, bad coaches, bad players, and unjustified hype. But never deny who they were, and what they mean to the sport of college football.

When it comes to football, God is prejudiced - toward big, fast kids. - Chuck Mills
As previously stated.

I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that. - Jerry Rice
One of the best things to love about college football is the LACK of showmanship. So many players in the NFL are all about them. They carried the team. They're the star. I love it every time I hear a kid interviewed after a game say how it was a team effort, or how well this player did in contributing to the game. Culture and media glorify the individual. The sport revolves around the team-effort.

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that. - Bill Shankly
College football is all. 'Nuff said.

Do right. Do your best. Treat others as you want to be treated. - Lou Holtz
Joe Paterno. Is. The. Man. The guy has been involved with coaching at Penn State for over SIXTY YEARS. The man was coaching for the Nittany Lions BEFORE THE COLD WAR STARTED. There is no greater coaching legend. There is no greater ambassador for the sport. There is no greater doorway to game's history and legacy, then Joe Paterno. And the man can be summarized in one word: class. He is the epitome of respect. He's earned it. From everyone.

Build up your weaknesses until they become your strong points. - Knute Rockne

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will. - Vince Lombardi
Case in point: Cody Grimm. The Virginia Tech linebacker does not deserve to be anywhere near a college football field. He's under six feet tall and barely 200 pounds. A relative midget in the world of defensive safeties and linebackers. But the kid has heart. He's the Hokies' version of the modern-day Rudy. The kid will work harder, sacrifice more, and lay his life on the line for the passion he has. There are few better vessels to carry the soul of a fighter than that of the underdog.

If a team is to reach its potential, each player must be willing to subordinate his personal goals to the good of the team. - Bud Wilkinson
It's not about your draft status. It's not about how many receptions you get in a game. It's about what you can do for your team. One of the greatest things about college football is individual sacrifice. When college players start focusing more on individual stats than their team's well-being, college football will die. Just look at the NFL.

Winning isn't everything, but it beats anything that comes in second. - Paul "Bear" Bryant
At the end of the season, there can be only one...

My Educational Philosophy...

2009-11-08T11:17:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 9:18pm

Why Do I Teach?

Parents… Students… Teachers…
Too often we are scared.
Scared of what we might not be able to do.
Scared of what people might think if we tried.
We let our fears stand in the way of our hopes.
We say no when we want to say yes.
We sit quietly when we want to speak up.
And we shout when we should keep silent.
Why?
After all, we only get one chance. One opportunity.
There's really no time in life to be afraid.
We cannot afford that luxury.
So stop. Listen. Act.
Try something you've never dared but have always wanted.
Take a chance. Gamble on hope. Think big. Go outside the box.
My educational philosophy is simple.
Challenge yourself.
Intellectually, academically, physically, philosophically...
In the real word,
there are two kinds of people: those who talk, and those who act.
Walk the walk, forget the talk and learn from your mistakes.
For it is through our failures that we launch to great success.
Follow a leader or lead the followers.
Either way, get moving. Now.
Have a goal, make a plan, and just do it.
Expand your horizons, look beyond what's in front of you. Explore.
Think big and start small.
Don't start what you don't believe in...
But finish what you start.
Always stay the course.
Listen and hear… don't just do one or the other.
Think of your students first, and always be true to the cause.
Walk the Path, and Light the Way.
Share your ideas with every student you meet.
Shake their hand, look them in the eye, and remember it for life.
Remember that…
Wiping your hands clean is a good thing
As long as it isn't with someone else's blood, sweat and tears.
But don't be afraid to dig deep within yourself.
After all,
You have nothing to lose...
Except your fear.
Only everything,
Everything… to gain.

Why do I teach?

Why would I do anything else...

Are You There Darkness?

2009-11-08T11:16:00.003-05:00

Sunday, August 23, 2009 at 12:09am

Alone. So quiet. Yet still I can feel it there. Waiting for me. Taunting me with its reach. I know what it wants and I know what I have to do. Refusing to open my eyes, not able to face what I might see, I huddle in on myself and work the moisture in my mouth to ask a simple question:

"Are you there, Darkness?"

Barely audible, the words seem to die out as they leave my lips, their strength fading once given birth. As if in answer to my pitiful query, I feel the surrounding Darkness press in on me.

"Of course you are," I say to myself. "You’re always there. The real question is- are you listening? For your sake I hope so."

I have spent so many days in fear. Jumping at every little sound and keeping all the lights on. Why, you might ask? A fair enough question, if a rather simple and expected one. The answer is just as simple. Because someone made me fear the Darkness. Someone taught me that it held dangers, and monsters, and that evil lurked in its murky shadow. Someone has tried to make me cower. Someone has conjured an illusion of the world through which to corrupt my senses, my instincts. Someone has threatened that which is most precious to me, hope, and I am here to tell you that you will hold no power over me from this moment forward.

"Do you hear me Darkness?" I asked as my voice gained a little intensity. "No more."

I walk the path of peace not only because of my heart’s flow but because I am not equipped to change you on my own, or anyone for that matter. Do you think that will stop me? Do you think because I am weak and my will often bends to my emotions that you can control me? Make me change who I am as you please?

You must, else you wouldn't have tried so often, but no more. You cannot harm me. You cannot touch me. You will never harm me. For mine is the pursuit of something greater. I will not be deterred. I will not be defeated. I will not allow it.

"Do you hear me darkness?! Well?!"

I can stand up for myself. I can stand tall with my held high and though tears may stain my cheeks I will never falter. You can lash out at me with terrible pain and the scars left behind may last the rest of my life but I will hold up the flesh for all to see as a testament to the triumphs of my cause. I will lay bear my heart to the world and shout "Behold! These are the Paths I have walked and the roads I have taken. These are the wounds I have suffered and the trials I have endured. These are my victories and though they have left me scared, terribly scarred, I have gained from their making through my journeys. That is something the Darkness will never have for the Dark cannot bear the Light of a heart shining through with confidence and belief."

So come for me in the night. Try to shred my thoughts with doubt. I can be scared and that gives me power for what scares my mind and scars my body will only make me stronger. Bend me, burn me, blight me, bleed me. But know with the futility of one doomed that in the end you will never break me.

"Do you hear me darkness? I accept you. I take you into the furthest recesses of my mind and the deepest secrets of my heart. For it is from you that I find my Way to the Light. From you I gain the force of an indomitable will."

I am not the child you once beheld. I neither cling to the safety of the Light of others in desperation nor do I fall into that place from whence you came. I am my own well of courageous temperament and will fear you no longer. I have grown to accept all facets of life and the shadow of this world.

"Do you hear me darkness?" Softly. So very softly now. Soft as a silken sheet sliding across bare steel. "Do you hear me darkness?" I say it for the last time, and my eyes reflect the fires of my heart as endless pools of light. "You are nothing to me. Be gone."

------------------------------

There is a world that exists beyond what the naked eye can see. Too often we find ourselves relying on our sense of sight as our sole means of perception. I have always thought that the sense of touch was misperceived. We limit our understanding of touch to the physical sensation produced by contact with our skin, yet in my opinion it is so much more. Rather then a sense of touch, I consider it to be a sense of feel. Something that goes beyond the mere physical to include our ability to feel that sensation. Just as a particular sound or smell, for example, can illicit a specific response based on more that just the sound or smell by itself, so it is with the sense of touch, or feel.

In many ways, I consider empathy to be a very present characteristic in humans. As with any other trait, its presence and strength, or lack thereof, varies from person to person. Yet there are people who can literally feel how another person is feeling, and they can establish a bond with the people they interact with. At least, that is what I believe. I also believe that our existence is defined by perceived belief. Something can either be true or false based on whether or not we choose to believe in it, and how strongly we hold that belief. It's as if the world were refracted six billion different ways, each unique to the beholder. What one person sees as a solid truth may be an ephemeral veil of transparency to someone else.

If this is the true, as I believe it to be, then belief becomes one of the defining characteristics of our world as we choose to perceive it. My point, if I have been able to successfully convey it, is that the Darkness as I wrote it above represents the doubt, worry, fears and distractions ever-present in our daily lives. We are the child who is addressing both themself and the surrounding Darkness. The Light, is the clarity of purpose and the determination of will that comes through belief. So when you find yourself staring into the dark abyss, fear not, but embrace the Light through belief. You know it is there, even though you cannot see it. You know it is there, simply because you believe it to be.

The Ramblings of a Man in the Dark...

2009-11-08T11:16:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, August 12, 2009 at 1:12am

...waiting for the simple beauty of a meteorite shower. Just a man alone with his thoughts in the darkness. Scary when that man is me. Here goes...

So often we search for meaning and purpose in our lives without realizing the truly simple notion that it has no meaning. There is no purpose. By any conceptualization of the term we fail to understand that less is more. Don't search for meaning and purpose in some vision of the future. Grasp it in the here and now. There is no other time. Anything worth having in life should never come too easily. It is the dim haze of mystery that adds enchantment to pursuit. Life throws problems at us on purpose to make us value that which we have and earn through our efforts. Fear, then, truly is the mindkiller as Frank Herbert once wrote.

Fear casts the shadow of doubt in our minds which in turn cloud our hearts. Our own hearts, that which is most beloved of our inner desires and emotions, begin to counsel us against taking action because they cannot bear the pain of hurt and suffering that accompanies any loss we find. Weakened in our resolve, and led astray by our own emotions, we choose to close ourselves off from change and embrace the status quo. We're afraid to rock the boat, so we sit in the middle of the lake without moving. Shakespeare summed it up nicely when he said that of all the wonders he had ever known, he could not understand how people could fear death knowing that it is inevitable and must come at some point in our lives.

Oh, every once in a while we'll cast a longing gaze to the far shore, and dream a dream of time gone by. A time when hope was high and life worth living, a dream of love that never dies. No better way to phrase that which Victor Hugo wrote in Les Miserables. Yet though we'll dream a dream so sweet, we choose not to stir our hands or feet. We scoff that dreams are like little toys, fit only for the minds of girls and boys. We lay back in our little boat, and watch bitterly as hope can't float. Until one day we wake to see, no longer is what once could be. So different now from what it seemed; life has killed that dream we dreamed.

My addition to Hugo's lyrics were not meant to be in rhyme, but for some strange reason I've found myself drifting more and more towards its usage. Regardless, I feel it conveys my point. We fear to hope, because hope can lead to disappointment. Our fears pollute our instincts and natural intuition, that which some people call impulse or gut-feeling. You will never know yourself until you face the truth. For everything there is a purpose, and life has a way of conspiring to give us signs that we have the choice to acknowledge or ignore. Even the misgivings of our hearts serve a purpose. They work to protect us, but sometimes in order to gain everything that life has to offer we must be willing to sacrifice everything. To live, is to risk.

We must therefore learn not fear vulnerability but rather to embrace it. Cast off fear and doubt, and accept life for what it is. Duality. Paradox. The equal possibilities of suffering and joy in every moment, every choice, of our lives. Just as we can shield ourselves from pain by refusing to go after what we want, we can arm ourselves with what we need to get it. Knowledge. Learn from what life has to teach. In every breath and every moment there is new experience to be gained and no textbook, no sermon, and no teacher can replace one of the most precious gifts we have in life. Learning through experience. Faith. Believe in the possibility of achieving your dreams. Believe that, even in failure you are a stronger person and are enriched in your life because of it. Believe, above all else, and before anyone else, in your self. There is no force greater in this life than believing in one's self beyond all measures of doubt.

So now comes the time of choosing. By now you've given thought to a dream or three and without fail there has been an attempt by your mind to dispel it. Often we create such potent defense mechanisms that we don't even recognize them for what they are. Have you ever had a stream of thought just disappear in your mind? Or choked back a reply to a question you were asked? I have always been intrigued by the unspoken language. There is so much to be heard in what is not said. If you could only learn to feel what is constantly surrounding us, your perception would discover an entirely different means of communication.

Well now let us say you have pushed beyond fear of the mind. You have a firm grasp of what it is you want and you are not swayed by frivelous questions of when and how. Well done! Yet all of a sudden we will feel a hollow emptiness within our chests. We've pushed past the fear in our minds only to stumble headlong into the fear of our hearts as I have already discussed. Once you can master yourself and control your fear, you are only one simple step away from living your dream. You have to take a simple step. Literally or metaphorically, you must take the initiative and begin the journey. Do not worry about the difficulties. Take a stand, take a breath, and take a step. You'll get there.

And so I lay beneath the stars watching the mystery and beauty of the universe unfold above me I choose to leave you with a few words of wisdom from men far more knowledgable (and quotable) than I. As ever, I hope that these words find you well, and more than anything else, find you questioning that which you have come to accept. To the future.

"Worship the gods if you wish, but first, know thyself." - Socrates

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its strength." - A.J. Cronin

"Seek and you will find, knock and it shall be opened, ask and it shall be given to you." - Jesus Christ of Nazareth

"If you don't ask, you don't get." - Mahatma Ghandi

"Thousands of candles can be lighted by one candle and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." - Siddhartha Gautama, The Budha

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." Eleanor Roosevelt

"The greatest man is he who chooses right with invincible determination." Seneca the Roman

"Between living and dreaming there lies a choice." - Marcos Redondo (*cough*. and yes I always have some of my favorite quotes handy)

The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner

2009-11-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

Saturday, August 1, 2009 at 1:20am

"One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter." - James Earl Jones

I remember a day sitting outside beneath a porch watching as the rain poured down over the beautiful green countryside. As if from a veiled mist a silhouette appeared along the horizon. Traveling along a worn path wearing shorts and a sweater the shape began to take form. It was a runner. I remember putting down my book to watch as they passed by rhythmically running, as it seemed, in step with the fall of the rain. Captivated by the scene as it unfolded before me I tried to make sense of the myriad of thoughts and emotions that played across my mind. In a matter of moments that seemed to last much longer the runner was gone. A momentary vision quickly lost to my sight as they were embraced by the falling rain like a shroud. As I returned my attention to the present moment from my reverie I found myself trying to make sense of what I had just witnessed. Out of the confusion of my mind a single phrase made itself clear to my conscious mind as I took my pen and scrawled it along the inside cover of the book I had been reading. When finished, I looked down to reflect upon the only words I could use to describe what I had witnessed: The loneliness of the long-distance runner. I didn't know who the runner was, didn't know where they were from or where they were going. I just remember feeling a profound sense of longing as if a part of me had left with the runner. Or, maybe it was just that I longed to be the runner. This all occurred long before running instilled itself into the very depths of my soul, but I've recently begun to think about them once more. A wraith in the mist. A figure of solitude, carrying a solidarity of purpose like a banner across the sky. So ominous, the individual with their relentless sense of purpose. So alone, with no one and nothing but themselves. So alone...

"The woods are lovely dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." - Robert Frost

Far away is the land of rest,
For the lonely one who runs.
Endless miles that you must test,
Neath the passing of the suns.

Wasted now this traveler,
Whose wearied woes wear on
Darkness threatens purpose sure,
Yet still they run towards dawn.

Running through the emptiness,
Running through the day.
Running through the dewy mists,
Running for the Way.

Often they look up to the heavenly sky,
Often they looks down to the dreary road.
Often they wish to lay down and die,
Often they wish to surrender life's load.

Though the faint may not uptake the part,
Yet still they stare in wonder.
It remains for those who have the heart,
To shake the world with thunder.

The loneliness of one who runs,
A soul bereft of hearth and home.
Nay, these are gifted lucky ones,
Their chosen destiny to roam.

So if you ever feel so deeply pained,
By one who seems to wander.
Be comforted in knowledge gained,
They live to travel yonder.

Do not despair or lose control,
Wear hope upon your chest.
Know that you will reach the goal,
And win the final land of rest.

"I want to know the thoughts of God. All the rest are details." - Albert Einstein

I am an overly passionate person. I tear up in movies. A lot of them. I'm deeply moved by seemingly insignificant displays of nature. Like koalas sleeping on a tree. Yet nothing in my life has compared to the sights I have witnessed while searching the road on my lonely, long-distance runs. I stood on the apex of a bridge after hours of running following an all-night adventure. Standing there, watching the sun rise, I knew joy in my heart. Spontaneously climbing the summit of a mountain after spending the afternoon trekking the trails I gazed across the open sky, and felt serenity flow through my consciousness. Wandering through city streets in a foreign world and marveling at some of man's most beautiful architectural achievements, I stood alone in a sea of humanity, and felt kinship with the universe. Battered and broken by the road I set out to conquer, I stood beneath the starry sky not knowing where I was, and felt beauty's caress stream down my face. All the roads I've traveled, and all the paths I will. The loneliness of the long-distance runner may be a part of who I am, but I will never have to ponder the thoughts of God on my journey. Never alone.

"The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing."
- Michael E. Gerber

I've got the bit between my teeth now, as the saying goes, and I might as well continue. I remember once reading a poem that said running a mile would give you a smile. Well despite the pain and fatigue that the miles may bring, there is nothing quite as satisfying as seizing life and challenging yourself to some new feat whether it is some no-name dirt path or the famous streets of a world-class race. Either way, you can feel brave within your heart when you push off from the start. You can live decisively with your feet as you run across the street. You can know certainty within your soul, when you finally end and reach the goal. The start, the finish and the steps in between are many experiences as plain can be seen. Yet singly thought of they come up as one, the race of your life is never quite done. It's not about winning, it's not about wealth. It's not about glory, or even your health. So why do we do all this running we do, I know the answer's within me, the rest's up to you.

"I always loved running...it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs." - Jesse Owens

What more can I say? I ran as a young child, barely off my mother's apron strings. I couldn't even jog as a youth. I learned to run at the end of high school, and lost it periodically throughout college. Now my sights are set beyond the heavens. Yet ever since I was a little boy I loved it. There is nothing between me and running. It is the single most pure and simultaneously most purifying aspect of my life. Wherever I am, wherever my travels take me and wherever the weave of my life leads me to, I will always have that dear and comforting presence to carry with me. The roads I travel on may indeed be lonely ones, but in many ways I have been alone for nearly my entire life. Perhaps that explains in some ways my strong connection with running. I've never had to feel alone, even if I was.

"Now bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible." - Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

I have stumbled and I have fallen. I have faltered and I have strayed. Yet each time I have found my way back. The closer one is to the light, the darker their shadow becomes. Such a great paradox for the attaining of one's life goals. And though I may not be that strength which in yesteryear moved heaven and earth, that which I am, I am. One tempered soul of heroic heart, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will. To strive, to seek, to find...and not to yield. My adaptation of the end to Lord Tennyson's Ulysses is perfect for where I am now. I will achieve what no one has ever done before. For no other reason because it is believed impossible.

"We run, not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves...The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or hump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable." - Sir Roger Bannister

The reasons why...

"I run because long after my footprints fade away, maybe I will have inspired a few to reject the easy path, hit the trails, put one foot in front of the other, and come to the same conclusion I did: I run because it always takes me where I want to go." - Dean Karnazes

Warrior of Light

2009-11-08T11:14:00.000-05:00

Friday, June 19, 2009 at 10:41pm

The past week has shown me another world beyond that which I have known. A new adventure, with a culture and language unlike any I had previously encountered. Beyond that, though, was a strange sensation that I have rarely experienced but have learned not to ignore. It`s almost as if there were something important lying just beyond the edges of my peripheral vision, or a thought that exists in me but I cannot grasp it within my mind. Glimpsed only in moments of epiphany and revelation, they illuminate the Darkness.

I had a dream where I was surrounded by total Darkness. Unable to see myself in the depths of a total abyss, I was alone. Lost and afraid, I cast about aimlessly in search of something, anything, to help me escape. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, I discovered the Other. When surrounded by complete Darkness anything that cast a light would have to be called brilliant. Seemingly far in the distance, I made my way toward this bright light. Shining like a white star, I staggered toward the pale glow as if grasping for salvation itself. The nearer I came toward the light, however, the more I found myself in doubt. Bathed in this glorious light, I found myself...cold. I was surrounded by light, and yet felt no better than when I had been surrounded by darkness.

Sinking into the depths of Despair once more, I found myself anguishing in the pain of utter emptiness. Yet, deep within the Void of nothingness, I found yet Another. So deep within myself that there seemed no distinction between that and the Darkness, was a small flame. Unlike the pale, brilliant light that I had seen from afar, this was a small and pitiful thing. Casting a harsh illumination against the black of Night, Shadows surrounded the fire. Yet even from a distance, I could feel the warmth that lapped against my skin like the softest brush of fingertips across flesh. Folding in upon myself, I realized that this flame was not just located within me; it was me. Sparked by a single emotion, I began to feed all of myself to this single flame. All of my despair, the anguish I had felt, everything. Not only did I find myself closer to the flame, but it began to feed off of my emotions, fighting back the Darkness. Unshed tears began to stream down my face, until even they were burned away by the flame. Within me and before me was a flame so hot that it seared skin and boiled blood, yet still I embraced it. With the pain came a cleansing fire that purged me of everything I had known in the Darkness. Standing within the roiling flames, they licked at the Shadows and fought back the Darkness until I stood within the center of an inferno.

The pale light still called to me from afar, but I no longer heeded its deceiving call. A cold, pallid light that left emptiness inside was a pale imitation of this life-giving fire. And so I stood alone, an orb of encased heat and light standing sentinel. A bulwark against the Darkness, and a beacon of warmth in the cold emptiness of Night.

Now, I didn`t really have a dream exactly like that, but I did have a dream that I built upon into the recreation I have depicted above.

------------------------------------------------

There is some comfort in the emptiness of nothing; no past, no future.

So I call upon you to be the fire which resolutely stands before the Darkness,
Which won't be diverted from its purpose, no matter how difficult the path may be.
A flame that does not falter, nor does it fear the endless Night.
For even if it takes years, the flame will not falter.

And if your will sleeps I call upon you to wake it again,
Because inside of everyone of us is a Warrior.
Whose courage is like a sword,
And whose biggest weapon lies within our own heart.

So let us stand together now,
Rise and find each other now,
To all the warriors of light
To all our enemies we fight.
Wherver you may be this day,
You're wanted here,
So come and say:
To all the warriors of light
Standing true and shining bright,
This goes to all the warriors of light.

Do not fear your weaknesses,
But turn them into your strength.
Never fear to admit your mistakes
Be deliberate in your spoken word,
And free from worry and doubt.

Don't let yourself be led astray,
Don't let yourself be stunned dazed.
Learn to forgive and learn to forget
Learn to serve, and serve to learn.

So let us stand together now,
Rise and find each other now,
To all the warriors of light
To all our enemies we fight.
Wherver you may be this day,
You're wanted here,
So come and say:
To all the warriors of light
Standing true and shining bright,
This goes to all the warriors of light.

And though the world will impose its limits
We will rise above them; go beyond them.
Our power is our faith; the unwavering belief in the impossible.
Fight for nothing, and for everyone,
This, is why we are warriors.

---------------------------------------------

Every Warrior of the Light has felt afraid of going into battle.

Every Warrior of the Light has, at some time in the past, lied or betrayed someone.

Every Warrior of the Light has trodden a path that was not theirs.

Every Warrior of the Light has suffered for the most trivial of reasons. Every Warrior of the Light has, at least once, lost faith in themself.

Every Warrior of the Light has failed in their duties.

Every Warrior of the Light has said 'yes' when they wanted to say 'no.'

Every Warrior of the Light has hurt someone they loved.

That is why they are a Warrior of the Light, because they have been through all this and yet have never lost hope of being better than they are.

A warrior of light knows that they will hear an order in the silence of their heart which will guide them.

With regards to a person`s destiny, I believe we do what we can, until our destiny is revealed to us.

Enjoy...more to come later. Aragato daimasu!

Orange Blossoms...

2009-11-08T11:09:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, May 12, 2009 at 12:18am

(Originally started on October 13, 2008)

Dark clouds swirled overhead as storm winds cut through the city, which fit his mood like the dark forest-green gloves fitted snugly over clenched fists . Before the sun would set on this lightless day the Companions would be mustered outside the city walls and ready to march. For how long was a question few were willing to consider, and none within earshot of the Lord Captain.

Kaitze sighed. Had it really been three years since the Lord Captain had taken him into service? A boy whose highest ambitions rested upon cutting enough purses and fulfilling enough contracts to gain some measure of comfort in a nameless backwater town? So much had passed in that time. So many changes. Kaitze looked at the man who had brought him so far. A nobleman by birth, which normally would have sent Kaitze running in the opposite direction, but Graidon was different. A man who fought a tireless battle every waking second. Where other men would bow to the strain or retreat in the face of overwhelming odds, Graidon would stand fast alone surrounded by utter Darkness. Come to think of it, he already had.

Suppressing a rueful smirk, Kaitze stood as he realized that Graidon was striding for the door. When Graidon had first entered the antechamber Kaitze had not noticed the changes, but as he paused in front of the door a number of startling revelations made themselves apparent. The fact that he was wearing full plate armor and his sword did not surprise Kaitze at all. Not anymore; not after recent events. What did give him pause was that his Lord Captain, the man he looked up to and admired, no longer wore the colors of the Imperial House. Instead of the gold and green Kaitze had become so accustomed to was a rich blend of blue and white flowing down the back of a full-length cloak. Blue-steel greaves and vambraces reflected a pale light that illuminated the room in a eerie glow. Kaitze was already so astonished that he surprised himself again by nearly gasping when he noticed the emblem on the Lord Captain's chassis. There in the center of his breastplate, plain for all to see, were two symbols that could easily start a blaze that could engulf the entire City: three blue snowflakes strewn overhead a leaping white hare. The Winter Army The name sent a shiver down Kaitze's spine and froze the breath in his throat.

If his reactions were only half as visible to Graidon as Kaitze thought they were, he showed no sign of them. "Kaitze," Graidon's voice was as hard as ice and as yielding as a winter storm. "I need you to do something for me."

"My Lord?" Kaitze could feel himself tensing in the shoulders; wishing he understood what all of this meant. It seemed that events were spinning out of control far too quickly for any thought to be had.

"Find Ingwold. Tell him to ready the men and form the legion. Outside the Gate of Twilight. Set camp for the night five miles east along the North Road. I'll rejoin you there before full-night."

Kaitze's confusion continued to grow. None of this made sense. "My Lord, I hear and obey, but if I may ask, where will you be?"

"I must say goodbye Kaitze. I must see her one last time."

Confusion turned to alarm as suspicions were confirmed and pieces began to fit together like one of Ingwold's Shadow-cursed puzzles. "Lord Captain, you know the King's Decree. No one may set foot on Palace grounds without first receiving his permission. In person. I'm not asking you to change your mind, but please at least let me go with you!"

The winter-hard gaze softened with a warm smile Kaitze had not seen in what seemed like an eternity. "No Kaitze. I go alone. I need to see her for myself. By myself."

"But what if the City Patrol, or the Royal Guard see you? I'm sure they've heard the news by now and they may try to stop you."

Graidon turned to face his student and friend, and Kaitze took a step back involuntarily. "I hope that they try, Kaitze. I very much hope that they try." With those words, he left.

As cold as the winter that forged him, and as pitiless. Kaitze released the breath he had not realized he was holding. As if his brief pause had taken an hour instead of mere moments, Kaitze gathered his things from the room before quickly closing the door to the Lord Captain's chambers for what would almost certainly be the last time. Now there's a sad thought. And I was just finally getting used to walking around these halls with a sense of permanence. Everything changes. That last thought had been in a voice other than his own. Sadness atop of sadness.

Hurrying to find Ingwold in the Companion's barracks, Kaitze changed his mind about the Lord Captain's armor. In all their time together Graidon had always been a man of compassion and mirth. Stern at times, even fiery when in battle, but never cold. Kaitze had never seen his eyes burn with such intensity before.They won't even have time to notice his armor.

As Kaitze made his way into the Barracks the storm broke overhead. There was a storm coming, and its fury would shake the foundations of the entire kingdom.

---

Graidon left Kaitze in the chamber and allowed his thoughts to drift while navigating the broad corridors. Gold-encased lighting and richly woven tapestries passed on either side as unnoticed as the patterned marble underfoot. Kaitze was a good man, and an irreplaceable companion in more ways than one. Graidon put his old friend from his mind as he exited the building and tread along the paved boulevard toward the Royal Garden; to say farewell, and to offer his last Oath.

Graidon could see the sun's dull light fade as it fell beneath the hills in the west. Most people were already outside of the Imperial Sector heading toward home or were holed up in taverns drinking, gambling, dancing and otherwise forgetting the troubles of the day. Pausing for a moment at an inn called the Emerald Twins, Graidon took in the sound of merriment and music. A three-storied building, the blonde-haired woman with bright green eyes painted on the hanging sign explained the name of the inn just as the sounds drifting from the windows betrayed its clientele. A place for young nobles and off-duty officers, the Emerald Twins offered any number of distractions depending on the amount of gold changing hands. With enough gold, the distractions could be very lavish indeed. With a rueful shake of his head, Graidon moved on. Everything he knew of the place came from Kaitze. His knowledge of such places seemed limitless at times.

Returning his attention to the immediate surroundings, Graidon noticed a squad of patrolmen making their way down the road to check that everything was in order in this part of the city. Without breaking stride, Graidon circumvented the patrol by casually striding into a side-alley. It would not bode well should he be noticed and confronted by the City Watch so near to the Palace. Graidon was in no mood to answer questions, but fighting his way through the city would not serve his purpose one whit. Nearing his destination, and safe from curious eyes, Graidon slowed his pace. Winding his way through the narrow walkway was a matter of routine for Graidon. So many years spent protecting these streets and those who walked them. Before he realized it Graidon had reached the entrance. There, across the cobblestone street stood the gates to the Royal cemetery.

Located near the border to the Great Forest that spread for miles all around the southern portion of the city, the cemetery was a small piece of acreage meticulously tended to and maintained by palace servants. Several clustered groves marked the different lineages that the royal family had descended from. Graidon had never been allowed to walk its hallowed ground when he was a young boy of course, but that had not stopped him back then. He had went in search of adventure and returned with more than he ever would have imagined. Barely...

Climbing the wall would be impossible with its smooth, marbled surface. Even if he grew an inch a minute he would still need...well, he wasn't quite sure how many minutes it would take to get tall enough to make the jump. Looking to his left, he laughed when he saw the solution...

No. Graidon slammed the door to that memory. Harshly. Its brief recollection stirred powerful emotions. There would be time for memories later. Reflection would have to bide its time. Drawing a ragged breath made him aware of just how long he had be staring at the entrance.

He had not been allowed within the royal cemetery then, and he most certainly was not allowed inside now. With firm resolve, Graidon made his way to the entrance. Just as it was when he was a child a solid lock was built into the finely-crafted gates. Lacking Kaitze's patience or skill with subtleties, Graidon focused a small thread of his Strength into the joint at his fist and crushed the lock. Pushing his way in,the gates gave way grudgingly, screeching in protest on hinges no longer properly aligned. Moving quickly, Graidon made his way inside. The gates were patrolled, and his time was limited.

The path that led to the different grove-stands was straight and lined with rows of white rose bushes.
Taking the first fork to the right Graidon walked to where he knew she would be. As the trail gave way to the cluster of trees Graidon felt a sad smile alter his frozen face. Orange blossoms. Memory stirred again, of a young woman singing beneath orange blossom trees, and laughter. A time long passed. It seemed ages ago, and yet the memory was as strong and clear as if he was reliving the previous day.

Standing beneath the trees, Graidon breathed in the smell of the trees and hoping to stay in the moment longer, but his time was short. Too precious to spend on a memory.

Walking slowly into the center of the grove, a single Sentinel stood silent vigil over the marked grave. Frozen in its duty, the statue would watch over the spirit and ward against any who would try to defile this consecrated ground. Beautifully carved in detail, Graidon paid it less heed than the wind buffeting his cloak. His eyes were locked onto the marker of a tomb. Hertomb.

As if the weariness and strain of the past months had just made themselves known, Graidon sank to a knee and slowly touched his head to the stone. There he stayed, as if becoming part of the serenity that surrounded the grove. Inside, his thoughts swirled with the tumult of a tempest wind.

I...I am lost without you.Graidon had never before believed in the spirits the Brotherhood so often preached of, but she had. She had believed, and had kindled a spark within him that now was gone. Yet she had believed, and so he reached out in desperate hope. I failed you. That first night I promised I would see you home. I swore on the light of my soul that I would protect you. I could not be there. I could not...From the depths of despair rose a swelling anger tinged with a blind rage that searched for an outlet. Graidon fought a war within himself to contain the fury that would shatter the peace of Elloren's resting place.

Suddenly, the aura of Graidon's Iscu surrounded him like a blazing star. Consumed by the cold-void that seemed an abyss within his very soul, he scoured the emptiness with fire. Trembling with the force of it, Graidon's voice rattled as a whisper from his lips that reverberated through his skull with mind-shattering force. Strength to succor. Power to protect. Life for light. Defend 'til death. Shaking with the effort of invoking such a powerful Oath, Graidon stumbled to his feet. Laying a hand on Elloren's tomb, he envisioned her face one last time. My soul is forfeit,atemorenus,and I shall know no rest this side of death. Watch over me, and we shall meet again in the Realm of Light, where no Shadows fall. Just as you told me long ago. Goodbye, my light, and my life. Goodbye.

Walking down the path toward the entrance, Graidon felt a sense of peace within himself. His grief would forever consume him, and the world had lost its luster, but now he had a purpose. A conviction so firm that it would light his path and guide his hand in the days to come. He would hold his Oath no matter the cost. No matter what forces arraigned against him. He would see it done.

Feeling a shift in the breeze, Graidon suddenly spun away from a presence he sensed more than felt. The faint trace of another Iscu had just appeared from behind him in the opposite direction of the only entrance to the cemetery. From where he had just descended. Reaching for his sword, Graidon prepared his Defense...

...and stopped dead. Letting his sword-hand drop from the hilt, his wide eyes could not have expressed more surprise. There, standing beneath beside the path with the grove of orange blossom trees in the background was the last face he ever thought to see.

"It's not possible..."

Sinking in a Memory

2009-11-08T11:09:00.001-05:00

Sunday, May 3, 2009 at 4:13pm

Well it's been far too long since I've actually put something up. Felt the muse this morning, so I of course stopped what I was doing so I could write this. Hope you enjoy!

P.S. - I had more trouble thinking of a name for this than actually writing it...not sure if it fits. :\
javascript:void(0)
-----------------

Sinking in a Memory

Glancing through the palm trees, at the moonlit sky
With the sea breeze blowing, I walk this empty line.
I close my eyes a moment, taste the memory
A ghosted smile befalls me, as through my mind I see...

And I can't resist, no I can't turn down
Seems a sinking man's just as glad to drown.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how
There's no time to waste so I'll sing and shout.

Love to feel you on me, and the way you smell
With the way your lips feel; oh your finger nails.
The way your tousled hair looks, strewn across your face
There's no where to go now, between us no space.

And I can't resist, no I can't turn down
Seems a sinking man's just as glad to drown.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how
There's no time to waste so I'll sing and shout.

It's the way you thrill me, then glance my way.
The way you seem to want me, a little more each day.
And it's what you're thinking in your shrouded mind.
The way your body trembles, when it's next to mine.

And I can't resist, no I can't turn down
Seems a sinking man's just as glad to drown.
And I'd tell you this, but I don't know how
There's no time to waste so I'll sing and shout.

Now my eyes are open, still the same soft night,
The stars are shining on me, they cast a guiding light.
I lie down in my bed, sleep will bring the day,
Wonder what my dreams now will have to say...

I said I wonder what dreams will have to say...
I think I know the dreams I will have this day...
I like the dreams I'm having, I think that I'll just stay...
I'll hold these dreams tonight lest they fade away...

The Life you Were Born to Live

2009-11-08T11:08:00.002-05:00

Sunday, April 5, 2009 at 6:14pm

There are times in our lives where we question ourselves. Young or old, we ask: is this right? Is this who I am? Is this all that my life is or will ever be? The answer is simple. The answer is for you to decide. As always.

Your life will never change so long as you look at it in terms of routine and focus on the minutia. Western lifestyles have increasingly focused on material gain and appearances over the last few decades, and to what purpose?

In order to find meaning and purpose in what you do there has to be something that guides your actions and binds you to some greater goal. Whether it's raising a loving family or owning vacation homes in a dozen places, without the commitment and drive you will never reach your goals. Even if you do, without devoting yourself wholly to your beliefs and giving all of yourself to your endeavor you will never feel fulfilled in your purpose. No one can tell you what these things are. You have to find them for yourself. There are guides out there who can help set your feet on the Path, but it is for you alone to walk upon it.

So it's four in the morning on race day and I have been up for a little while now. I'm not nervous. I think the last time I felt nervous before a race was a few moments talking to a good friend of mine right before my first IronMan. I was in my wet suit and we were standing underneath the morning rain in the water of the lake we were to swim in.

This is it, I thought.
This is where it all begins.

Today, I am not nervous: I am excited. Expectant. These are the moments which help define my life. They answer all of the important questions in my life. "Who are you?" I am IronMan.What do I want? To experience life at the extremes so that I may taste of all it has to offer Why are you here?I am here to become something greater than I am.

These are the moments that define our lives.

I walk from my race hotel toward the swim start, my mind simultaneously blank of all thought while extraneous emotions flutter across the surface of my mind. The morning is overcast with the occasional warning of the day to come. When the time comes, I enter the water and immediately feel the cold soak through my wet suit. Much of what athletes do comes through routine and practice. It's one thing for me to run 100 miles in the heat of Summer. I live in Miami. Heat and humidity are my bread and butter. It is quite another for me to experience cold atop cold. The water was cold. Still, I felt good during the swim. Despite meandering sideways a few times along the first lap I managed to make it across in about 42 minutes. The second lap of the swim was much better as I learned my lesson and hugged the buoys. I had to deal with more traffic, but after being kicked a dozen times along the first lap I realized there would be no way for me to avoid other people in a mass start with 1,700 athletes in the water at the same time. My second lap elapsed in 34 minutes, a marked improvement for a swim time of 1:16.

As I exited the water I did not even notice the cool breeze beginning to pick up. I was too busy running through ankle-deep mud and trying to get into the transition tent. Once there I immediately dismissed all ideas of keeping my feet dry and clean. The entire changing area was a churned mass of mud. Soon enough I was on my bike and headed up the road and out of the city of Port Macquarie. The light drizzle that accompanied me wasn't so bad, but the stiff breeze coming from the coast chilled me to the bone. I made the first of three laps in good time, averaging 19 miles per hour despite one of the hilliest profiles IronMan has to offer. I knew I was in trouble though. Along the course there's a climb that rivals anything I have ever ridden previously. It held the largest number of spectators and was brutal on the legs. The first time I climbed the hill I felt my quads seize up in a pair of nasty cramps. My legs were frozen to the bone, and wet to boot. I turned the corner after the hill into a decline. After shifting to a heavier gear I immediately turned again into another uphill, and my shifter skipped two gears. Normally, all that means is you have to down-shift again and allow the chain to reconnect, but on a steep climb it means big trouble. Despite managing to get a foot on the ground the steep grade of the climb caused me to fall over. Now I was cold, wet, cramped and bleeding from several nice gashes on my legs. Still, I persevered, jogged up the hill and remounted.

The second lap was brutal. There's no other word for it. The rain and wind picked up, and at this point I began praying for sunlight. Just a little bit of warmth to take the chill off my bones. The days before the IronMan had been warm and sunny in comparison, and this sudden shift in weather pattern had caught me completely by surprise. I look back on it now and don't remember details. Simply long-stretches of pain and whimpering thoughts of the cold. My body was shutting down, and I had not even finished half of the bike leg. The course proved to be very harsh for a number of people as I saw no less than seven crashes and more than a dozen riders on the side of the road with flats. The conditions of the road were poor for over three-quarters of the course, and it made riding more difficult. Obviously, these conditions were shared by every rider, but that does not diminish the demands it placed on me as an individual.

There was one point in particular on my way out in the third and final lap of the leg course. I was literally counting out my revolutions as a means to distract myself from the cramping and the cold. I didn't even realize there was a pretty nasty bruise on my left leg at this point from the crash. I guess the cold was good for something. I was about 80 miles into the cycling when I suddenly heard a small pop and a sharp hissing sound. My breath froze in my throat. All I could think in my head was No. No. Please no. No, no, no! I listened sharply to determine which of my tires had popped when I suddenly realized it was coming from the rider I was passing. Mumbling a sympathy to him as I continued riding, I couldn't think for the sensation of relief washing over me. A flat tire at that point would have ruined me. My elation only lasted a few minutes before I continued my plodding into the wind.

I finally crossed the transition line at about 8:40, giving me a disgusting split on my bike of seven hours and twenty minutes. A full hour slower than my bike split in IronMan Kentucky. Still, aside from being partially frozen I was in no way tired. And I was going into my strongest leg: the run. After taking meticulous care of my feet in the transition area, I began the run with a cautious enthusiasm. I wanted to make sure that I gave my legs time to warm up before doing anything stupid. The first six miles of the run passed by in a blur, and I started to pick up my pace. The wind was still blowing, and it was hard for me to keep any body heat with my tri-suit still wet. I crossed the first lap in just over an hour and realized that I had a real chance to make up for my lost time. My legs were cramped, my body cold and a tingling sensation spread from my lips throughout my face and fingertips. I could feel my body beginning to go into shock and I had to take in salts badly. At one of the aid stations along the course they gave me some Vegemite. A disgusting pasty substance that Australians give to babies. Aside from having a bitter, salty taste, there's not much to say about it. It even looks disgusting. Still, it did the trick, and it helped me avoid the worst of the problems I could have faced.

Before I realized it I was making my way toward the finish line climbing up the last hill. And then my knee gave out. Simply collapsed from under me, and I fell to the ground. I could definitely feel that bruise now. A couple of the race volunteers came over to see if I was okay. I couldn't even stand. I could see the finish line from where I lay, and I couldn't get up. I told them how I was feeling and they helped me up. Limping on my good knee and supporting my weight on their shoulders, they took me to a chair on the side to see if I was okay. No more than a minute or two had passed, but I was so close I just wanted to finish. They told me they would help me down the chute, but I refused. I told them I couldn't hobble down across the line like that. They took me across the side of the lane and was going to walk me through the finish, but the gate was locked. Of course. So instead of walking all the way back to where I had been pulled to the side, they literally lifted me over the rail as I grit my teeth in agony. That was how I crossed the line finish line at IronMan Australia. With a grimace of pain, and under the help of a volunteer. My marathon time was 3:15. All the energy I had not been able to summon on the bike came out during the run. My final time for the IronMan was 11:58:59. A personal best, and an incredible race despite all of the problems that beleaguered me throughout the day.

Looking back on the day I realize what an amazing experience the race had been. I remember laughing when I woke up the morning after the race to a beautiful sunny day. The race had fallen on the one day of the week where the weather was horrendous. Not the day before. Not the day after. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the only thing we can do is laugh at what life gives us. So it was with this race.

I guess in many ways IronMan encompasses the struggles of my life. You can just stand there out in the middle of nowhere under the cold rain as the concept of time flashes before your eyes. Swimming and riding and running for hours on end you can just think as if for eternity. The effort in the race a manifestation of what I want to express as an individual. To have no fear. Never to fear what you may become. To depend on no one. To perform feats that free your soul as they enslave your body. A way for me to share my inspiration with the world.

I am IronMan. I want to experience life at the extremes. I will become something greater than I am.

The Palm 100 Ultramarathon Relay Race

2009-11-08T11:08:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, April 1, 2009 at 12:17am

"We run. Not because we think it is doing us good, but because we enjoy it and cannot help ourselves. The more restricted our society and work become, the more necessary it will be to find some outlet for this craving for freedom. No one can say, 'You must not run faster than this, or hump higher than that.' The human spirit is indomitable." - Sir Roger Bannister

If you push the human body, it will respond. Push your body hard enough, and it will break. It is when your body breaks that your real potential shines through. As a runner, I push my body every day. Running a marathon, I push my body hard. However, a person does not run an Ultramarathon; it runs you. Ragged. Ultramarathons break runners. The distance taunts you. The heat oppresses you. Time slows and your body rebels. It is in our will, though, to push past the obstacles. Break through the barrier and become something more. It is our will that asks us whether or not we will be strong in the face of adversity.

...

I woke up on the morning of March 28th around 4:00 a.m. I showered, stretched and got ready for the day's adventure. I was exhausted. I went to sleep at nearly midnight and the little sleep I had managed had been broken and troubled. Today's journey however would be unlike any I had previously experienced. Not in terms of climbing to new heights of awareness or breaking through previously impossible barriers, but rather in that I would not be doing this along. Much of the past two and a half years have been spent building and living a life by myself. Especially with running. This would be different. This time I would be running as part of a team in a race that would test each of us as an individual runner as well as presenting difficult obstacles to the team as a whole.

One hundred miles. Eighteen teams. Six members per team. The Runner's Angels. My team. I've always been obsessed with angels. Even as a young child they fascinated me. These messengers of God served innumerable purposes through which the Divine interacted with the mortal world.

God does not communicate or act through direct contact. God uses energy such as through the use of fire; fire is moved through motion of the sphere; the sphere is moved by means of a disembodied intellect. These intellects are the 'angels which are near to Him', through whose mediation the spheres move. Thus, totally disembodied minds exist which emanate from God and are the intermediaries between God and all the bodies here in this world. – Adapted from the Guide of the Perplexed II:4, Maimonides

I thought to combine my love of angels with a humorous team name. So I made a play on "Charlie's Angels" and created the team known as "Runner's Angels". However, a name is meaningless without the people who embody that name. They become a physical manifestation; a symbol behind the meaning of a spoken word. Runner's Angels. So who are they?

First we have Valeria: The Firecracker. The passionate one. The team's confidence and energy. The girl who runs into pain, and then runs through it into the next leg. Next comes Galey: The Blonde Bombshell. The track star. The blister queen. She runs each of her legs like a 5k race and refuses to fade. After that we have Pietro: The Italian Stallion. Mister dependable. Got a bridge to cross? He's got it. Go over it again? No problem. Always ready to lend a helping hand. Up next is Jasper: The Silent Runner. The long leg and the long-legged. Though he was lost in the beginning he came through in the end. Then there's Ed: The Architect. Literally. The Navigator. The man who came through for the team in so many ways. The soul of our cause. I give you the Runner's Angels.

An hour after waking I'm at the parking lot of the Broward General hospital to meet with my teammates and get the team van ready. Excitement courses through each of us as we prepare for the journey ahead. Walking to the start line we say little of importance. Already the bond we are forming has taken the place of verbal communication. Other teams have uniforms or matching shirts. We wear a panoply of different colors and styles. In its place we hold a single-mindedness of purpose. A fierce sense of competition and the will to fight. The will to win. Confidence exudes. The banner goes up. The teams get set. The gun goes off.

And so it begins...

Pain is to be embraced, not feared. The heart is the most powerful muscle that we humans possess. Through hardship, we learn the secrets of our greatness.

I lead the team off with the opening leg. All thoughts of pace and planning are dismissed as the runners ahead of me film my vision over as though I were a charging bull. I settle in behind the lead runner for the first two miles to settle my body into a comfortable state before I begin to push the pace. The lead pack begins to string out until it is just me and one other runner. A few confusing moments about our direction keep us near each other but once the bearings are clear I pull away for our first scheduled exchange after five miles. Ed picks up the team's cause as we succeed in our first hand-off and give clear warning of our intentions: we are here to win. We held the lead for virtually the entire one-hundred miles of the race.

Valeria and Galey each put in a fast set to extend our leg before Japser takes his long leg for the day. Pietro closes off the last leg of our first rotation simultaneously reaching the first checkpoint of the race. Thirty-one miles into the race at just over 3:38. Our lead over second place is four minutes. I pick up again at the checkpoint to begin our second rotation with another five mile leg. The sun begins to make its presence felt and the wind teases us at first providing a cool reprieve from the burgeoning heat and then buffeting us against our inertia as we fight against it. Our second rotation sees shorter legs by the runners to compensate for the heat and the fatigue of having to run for a second time. By Ed's third run we have reached the turnaround and second checkpoint at 53 miles. Our time: 6:18. Our lead over second place is at least fifteen minutes, even with the second place team's runner somehow managing to end up ahead of me on my third leg without having ever passed me. Still, we ran on with our race following the course map and held a solid lead going into the last half of the race.

"It hurts up to a point and then it doesn't get any worse." - Ann Trason

We thought the wind had been a factor on our way up to West Palm Beach. We were wrong. That was just a prelude to the real challenge of the day. We spent the entire course south running into a strong crosswind that forced us to fight twice as hard to make any progress at all, let alone run at a decent pace. Yet we pushed ourselves. Through pain, and heat, and wind; we fought on. The elements slowly gave way to our will and the heat's effects slowly diminished as our bodies refused to break. Galey reached the third checkpoint at mile 76 in 9:09 and our lead was now well over 35 minutes. This was no longer a race to win. This was no longer a race for first place. The last 24 miles became a race against ourselves. Instead of victory, we sought domination. We did not want to beat second place. We wanted to break them. We would obliterate them.

The last quarter of the race was hard for all of us. Despite our hunger for victory the day had taken its toll. Although the last 24 miles only took 3:09 to complete it was a hard-fought run for each and every mile we ran. Every member of the team showed their true resolve in that last part of the race. There was no quit in any of us. We kept the same intensity as we had done the entire day. We began the race as a team 6 a.m. Saturday morning on the 28th of March 2009, and that is how we finished; at 6:18 p.m. the same day. From start to finish, we ran the 100 miles from Fort Lauderdale to West Palm beach in 12:18. Second place? Over an hour behind us.

We had accomplished our goals. Every one of them. We ran the relay and finished. We competed and won first place. We had fun. We created a blend of shared memories that will be remembered for the rest of our lives. We created bonds of friendship that will stand the test of time. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to run this race with such great runners and such wonderful people. Thank you all for making this such an incredible experience in my life.

Competition: It's in my Nature

2009-11-08T11:07:00.003-05:00

Saturday, February 28, 2009 at 3:10pm

"We fight because it is our nature. It is the calling of our heart." - Michael J. Stracyzinski

February 26th marked the last day of my physical therapy. Four months of working on rehabilitating and strengthening the ligaments in my knee, particularly the torn meniscus that first caused me problems back in September. From there I suffered a number of overuse injuries leading to hematomas, internal bleeding, scar tissue, range-of-motion loss, and general muscle fatigue. Four months of fighting to get back to a level that I had worked so hard to achieve. The constant sense of fatigue, exhaustion and frustration was only exacerbated by the limitations my body placed on itself. My heart wished to soar, but my feet would no longer leave the ground. It has been very hard for me.

Four months of gritting through pain as I worked to regain stability in my knee and balance in my hips. Squatting through tears and lunging through knots. Anyone can achieve their goals when they are in top form and at the height of their power. The true test of a warrior's spirit is when they are broken and beaten down. When their support system is gone and their body hangs by a thread. When temptation offers comfort and rest to the weary body and hopeless mind. It is there where true grit is shown:

"It's at the borders of pain and suffering that the men are separated from the boys." - Emil Zatopek

I've never shied away from a challenge since I first began my journey two years ago. I have continued to demand more and more from myself even as I recover from the last accomplishment. The first year saw my first marathon, triathlon, 1/2 IronMan and full IronMan. The second year saw my first Ultramarathon and first 100 mile Ultramarathon. I'm in my third year and by the time I finish with my goals for this year I will have discovered an entirely new definition for terms like pain, fortitude, and crazy.

I suppose the most difficult transition throughout this entire process has been learning how to balance my body's training with the amount of time needed to recover. When I first started out in the Summer of 2006 I was huffing and puffing my way to finish three miles. By January 2007 I was running 6 1/2 miles seven days a week. Summer of 2007 I was running 9 miles a day and either swimming or biking. A year later I was running 12 miles a day and swimming or biking.

All of that took a serious hit when I started adding in weight training in addition to what I was already doing. I didn't even realize it but I was training for about 5 1/2 hours a day for four days a week and still training the other three. It wasn't that I was doing too much; I was just doing too much with too little rest time in between. So I learned the hard way. Like with everything else it was a learning experience.

"Winners build on mistakes. Losers dwell on them." - Arnold Mori

So for the last four months I have tried to claw myself back to the point where I could finish my workouts and still feel good and energized. It's an on-going process but at least I am stronger for the road I have taken.

"A competitor will find a way to win. Competitors take bad breaks and use them to drive themselves just that much harder. Quitters take bad breaks and use them as reasons to give up. It's all a matter of pride." - Nancy Lopez

The day after I finished my last therapy session I wanted to hop into the pool for a nice slow swim to let my muscles relax and get myself used to a slow workout. I recently thought about how I was training and I realized that every run, every swim was a high-intensity workout where I pushed myself to exhaustion. I really needed to focus on different kinds of workouts with individual goals in mind. So I hopped in the pool and was off to a slow start...just like I planned.

After about a half mile of a very slow, relaxed swim I noticed someone get into the next lane as I started another lap. Immediately I started telling myself to keep taking long and slow measured strokes and to maintain the pace I was swimming. The guy had a chiseled body; the type I had always wanted but traded for video games and ice cream way back when I was about 10 years old. It's always been a source of pride for me that I compete in these races with men that have phenomenal bodies, and I beat them. It reminds me of the old saying that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Or the great line from Transformers, way back before the movie was released: "More than meets the eye."

"The healthiest competition occurs when average people win by putting above average effort." - Colin Powell

So this guy starts off swimming at a fast pace and within 100 yards catches up to me. I had already noticed myself extending my stroke and pushing off with more force as he approached me. As he passed me I continued to tell myself to stick to the plan. Yeah...that lasted for about 10 seconds before he started to pull away from me. I started to lengthen my stroke and use my upper body strength to keep myself half a body-length behind him. We made a few turns and he saw that I was still right behind him so he started swimming faster! Challenge, extended. I'm sorry, it's one thing to come in and start swimming at your own pace, but if someone is going to try and prove that they are better than me it's going to fire me up like you would not believe. Challenge, accepted.

Normally, when I swim, I don't really use my legs at all. I flutter kick to keep myself afloat and to get a little extra push but most of the propulsion comes from my upper body. I do that because it allows me to save my legs for the bike and run portions of my triathlons. So as we made the turn and he started to swim faster I began to kick. Nothing like a sprint. I just began to use my upper and lower body simultaneously as I swam. I quickly caught up to him and passed him. I only went far enough that he would be swimming right off of my heels as we went up and down the pool together. We swam like that for about a half-mile before he stopped. That's right. Catch your breath. I kept swimming. I thought our little competition was over. I was wrong.

As I reached the opposite end of the pool and came up for air I saw that he was waiting for me to reach the end so we could swim against each other going opposite directions in the pool. That little bastard, I thought. So we danced our little dance. At this point I was content to keep a steady pace and match his speed. Swimming long distances is so much easier when you get into a rhythmic groove. Every once in a while he would stop as I swam another lap before he continued to swim against me.

After I had swimming for about 1 1/2 miles he stopped and it looked as if he had left the pool for a second. I was just patting myself on the back mentally when I realized he was putting on swim paddles and a floaty between his legs. They are used as training devices that aid in developing your swimming technique, but they also act as aids. They make swimming further and faster much less difficult. A normal person would have conceded that the competition was over and that I could go back to swimming at my original pace. If I were a normal person I would agree.

This time he waited until I pulled up alongside him to start swimming again. Of course. He wanted to beat me even if he was getting help. I stayed with him the first lap but he was starting to pull away...and then I started swimming.

“You can't just beat [someone], you have to leave a lasting impression in their minds so they never want to see you again.” - Mia Hamm

Any time I train, whether it's in the pool or on the road, I focus on breathing. Over the past two years I have been able to train my body to sustain prolonged levels of low-intensity exercising by maintaining a low heart rate. Usually when resting I breath four times a minute, three if I'm conscious of it and twice per minute if I am focusing on breathing exercises. Most swimmers breath every two strokes when racing. I train by breathing on every fourth stroke. Even when swimming 2 1/2 miles during my IronMan competitions I'll swim this way to regulate my heart rate. This also gives me the advantage of being able to significantly increase my speed by taking in more oxygen. So as the other swimmer started to pull away I began breathing on every third stroke and increase my pace. Not to match his speed, but to surpass it.

I pulled away from him again until we were on opposite ends of the pool again and then I just kept my pace to his. He finally stopped trying to race me and just swam for whatever his original purpose was, and I slowed my own heart rate by returning to my normal breathing pattern. Eventually, he stopped all together and left the pool. I cackled hysterically. Under water. It was glorious.

"Live daringly, boldly, fearlessly. Taste the relish to be found in competition -- in having put forth the best within you." - Henry J. Kaiser

I finished up my swim with a half mile cool down before getting out of the pool. All told, I swam about 2 1/2 miles consecutively and I felt great. The best part was that my muscles and my knee had felt relatively well throughout the entire swim. It was rewarding to me to have gone through so much therapy and working so diligently to work my way back and to have that pay off is a great feeling.

"The ultimate victory in competition is derived from the inner satisfaction of knowing that you have done your best and that you have gotten the most out of what you had to give." - Howard Cosell

Competition is the whetstone of talent. Even when training by alone I will always challenge myself or set goals for me to complete along the way. The only way to get better is to push yourself to become better. I have learned so much about myself and have accomplished so much recently. I will continue to learn from my mistakes and grow through experience, and I will never back down from a fight. It's in my nature.

The Foreshadowing of Shadows...

2009-11-08T11:07:00.001-05:00

Sunday, February 15, 2009 at 8:43pm

Inspiration comes in many forms. When we become inspired there is an up-swell of emotion deep within our chests begging for release. It is a force of artistic expression that each of us manifest in our own unique way. Some of us will paint or draw. Others will sing or take up an instrument. I write.

I also listen. I hear so many of my friends talk about their relationships, or lack thereof, and reflect on the irony of it all. Mind you, the following generalization is based on a small sampling of a relatively few people I know. I have many friends who are in or out of relationships that this would not apply to. I listen to good people lament about the bad relationships they are in, or hear the bitter undertone of celebrating yet another day reminding them of the lonely path they walk. I hear the great stories of romantic innovation that some couples enjoy and the more commercialized version of happiness coming from store-bought gifts. I hear of the rejections, and can feel the floor fall from beneath them as their emotions are lost in new-found despair.

Yet through it all there is one thing that drowns out all of the other sounds combined: silence. The silence of unspoken feeling; of fear that paralyzes nerves and freezes action. How many young men and women will pass each other by and share a moment in a more-than casual glance only to have it be rendered meaningless through inaction. How much of life is lost in the waiting of things to happen I wonder. I tell you now that your life is running out! It is ending one moment at a time, and it is precisely because of that finality that each moment is so precious! Seize it! Grab hold of your life through action and shed the fears that cast doubt into your heart.

Last year I wrote a small poem to the Valentine I had not yet met. Apparently, I still have some searching to do, but every journey has its end though the road does not. The road goes ever on and on, and to each we must walk until we find what we seek, or tire of the search. Perhaps that is, in part, why I run. Yet there is strength left in these friends of mine who never fail in time of need. So my road will go on, and I leave you all with this small excerpt from one of my stories for you to consider. Thank you.

--------------------------------------

Working by candlelight, Kaitza carefully brushed at the edge of the canvas parchment with the charcoal he had found. The images from his dream burned inside his skull, but he had to be sure. The Winter Army was currently marching east in pursuit of the remnants of a Kolgeri reconnaissance that had set fire to a cluster of villages in Denai provinvce. The border-forts were in complete disarray and the tension was thick enough to cut with a knife. A razor-edged knife.

Sighing in disgust, Kaitza tried again to force the images from his mind, but it was no use. His eyes stared unfocused into the flame of the candle as the dream played out once more in his mind's eye...

The Feasting Hall illuminated by scores of ensconced torches along the walls. The flames flickering as they cast countless shadows across the chamber while servants scurried along neatly rowed tables to ensure the guests were well-supplied with wine and mead. Various lords of the land were mingling with nobles of the Court over the din of the music in the background.

Near the far-end of the room was a dais where stood an elongated table made of rich oak inlaid with gold filament. The Royal Standard rolled off either end of the table; an additional symbol of the guests dining at the City Palace in Chumois. As if any more were needed. The royal family sat at the center of the table wearing rich fabrics of gold-and-green hues. Everything seemed as it should until a number of shadows danced awkwardly in and out of the torch-light. No, not shadows. Shadows.

Within moments they had reached the head of the dais. The royal detachment at base of the steps stood diligently at their posts, but did not know what to look for. The screams got their attention. Seconds dragged on in what seemed like hours as the next few events unfolded. The room was in chaos. Blood dripped along the expensive cloth of the table; the rich red contrasting sharply with the royal colors. And a woman's face shone with fear as the Unseen came to claim her soul.

As her screams faded from his mind, Kaitza shuddered as he returned to the present moment. There was no use denying it. Graidon had to be told. But will he believe a dream? Kaitza wondered. Everything in the dream had been vague, as if it were veiled in mist. Yet for some reason the walls illuminated by the torches seemed as real to him as the shadows flickering inside his own tent. The Shadows. Shadows in Chumois. The merest possibility sent Kaitza's head spinning. It made sense, but it didn't add up.

"Better to leave business to your betters," his father had told him years ago. Politics was far above his reach and understanding. Yet the man he had sworn his loyalty to was at the center of a storm where politics was but one reason for the troubles now facing the entire nation. "Better to leave business to your betters, but when it's raining arrows all around you take shelter under a tree even if it brings you closer to the lightning." His father again. Katiza had always hated the sayings his father recited every day plying the Trade in the cities. Yet they made sense. Damn me to Shadow but they do make sense.

Looking down at the parchment Kaitza stood up in surprise. It was finished. It was finished, and yet he stood there gazing down at the rendition of the woman's face in his dreams. Aside from the walls only two other things had stood out clearly in the dream: the royal symbol and the woman's face. It had to be the princess, and if it was real...if it was real, then war with the Kolgeri would be the least of our troubles.

At long last Kaitza put down the piece of charcoal and leaned back to take in the sketch on the now-sooty canvas.

It's her. There's no doubt, but how? The unanswered question worried him almost as much as the brooding possibilities that were forming in his quickening mind.

Moving quickly, Kaitza grabbed his cloak and hurried from the tent. The Lord-Captain needed to hear of this immediately. Somehow, the royal family was in danger and Elloren was at the heart of it.

The Limits of Pain

2009-11-08T11:06:00.004-05:00

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 at 11:51pm

Many of us like to think of things lasting eternally, but it is one of the very rare universal principles of life that everything changes. From socks to soul mates; prices to personalities, it is inevitable that life itself will change around us even as you yourself are changing. We all make plans. Well if you ever want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans about life. Change. And so we look to those special moments in our lives:

"All of life can be broken down into moments of transition or moments of revelation...this has the feeling of both. There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope; the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us waiting in moments of transition to be born in moments of revelation . No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born, in pain." - J. Michael Straczynski

One thing that everyone carries with them at all times is pain. We tend to define it in one of two ways: physical or emotional. Pain in our legs from a long day of walking, running, working, etc. Pain in our head from the long hours we keep, the drugs we use, or from the lack of proper rest and care. Pain in our heart. The pain that hurts the most. The pain that, more than anything else, we fear. This fear is what forces most of us to find some way to escape reality. Escape the truth that we are alone, or that we are scared, or that we will have to risk being hurt in order to achieve that level of trust and happiness we so desire.

I have wanted so much to help others in my life. Help them to improve their lives. Help them to develop their own special talents in life. Help them to become something better than they are. Not for some expectation of recognition or reward. For no other reason than because that is one of my special talents: to serve. To inspire.

"To strive, to seek, to find...and not to yield." - Lord Alfred Tennyson.

My message is not for everyone, nor do I hope to change the world. Yet change the world I shall: one life at a time. For those people I cherish in my life. For those people I brush against for a precious moment as the streams of our lives touch briefly for an instant. I am here for those who seek it, and, just as importantly, for those who are willing to take upon the burden and responsibility associated with my message.

For each of us there is a limit to what we can bear. I continue to push the limits of my pain threshold through feats of physical endurance that I cannot even comprehend afterward. I will continue to do so both so that I may continue to inspire others to achieve greatness in their own lives and, for me personally to continue to better myself as I try to walk the Path I have chosen for my life. Harder for me has been trying to deal with the pain of the heart as others expose their wounded souls to me. It is a hard thing to listen to someone tell you of their innermost fears and pains without you yourself becoming submerged in the depths of their despair.

And so we reach our limits to what we can take in. Most of the time we absorb the pain of others without even realizing that our own emotional balance has been disturbed. Then later we are surprised, or worse, oblivious, when we lash out at our loved ones snapping at someone over an innocent comment or mistake. It is of paramount importance that we be content with ourselves and our inner state of being before attempting to take in the pain of others. I'm not talking about listening to someone vent as you nod and make sympathetic noises at all the right times. I am talking about opening your heart to absorb their pain and take the burden away from them in order to begin the healing process. Depending on the person and the severity of the damage this journey can take a very long time to traverse.

Thus I find myself needing to apologize to those I have not been able to help. Despite my efforts there are limits to what I can absorb without losing the empathy and focus required to be of any service. Know that I do not turn away from you out of judgment, disinterest or selfishness. I will continue to better myself so that I may in turn better serve others. The limits of pain are real for each of us, and they are something we all have to come to terms with each in our way.

I will say that the power to heal resides solely within yourself. You do not need a doctor, therapist, instructor or expert. They may act as conduit to guide you, but the choice forever lies within you. Make no mistake: the choice is simple. You either will, or you will not. Know that whatever decision you make is yours, and yours alone. Do not try and justify your actions as a victim. Do not try to escape from your responsibility. You are in control of your own life. Never delude yourself into thinking there is no choice. It will not be easy. Nothing worth having in life ever is. You can make the decision to change your life. Here. Now. You have the opportunity to choose: become something greater and nobler and more difficult than you have been before. It is in these moments of clarity in life that greatness is achieved. Live your life.

A Line in the Sand...

2009-11-08T11:06:00.003-05:00

Monday, February 2, 2009 at 10:52pm

Responsibility. Notions of self-respect and worth. Pride and integrity. Words in the wind, all of them. It seems as if the idea of boldly making decisions has given way to halfhearted notions of timidity. From our athletes to our presidents, from our school children to the people who teach them I tell you this now:

"The line must be drawn here! This far! No further!" - Patrick Stewart, as Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: First Contact

I remember being a child who had no notion of honesty, integrity, or the value of truth. When confronted I would lie. When in trouble I would lie. Ultimately, I would even lie to myself. I would concoct these excuses and delude myself into thinking things that were not true. It was a practice in futility and self-destruction. It took a few years of growing up and some internal struggles for me to realize what I was and make the conscious decision to become something different. Something better. With that I come about to the topic at hand.

The United States is a nation in decline. We make excuses for ourselves and the behaviors we condone. Or worse yet, we lie to ourselves to comfort the darkness that broods inside us. Like an open wound, we pour our momentary pleasures and self-gratification into souls deprived of their Light. Nonsense you say. Ignorance I retort. This is not some philosophical writing of human existentialism. I am talking about who you are. What defines you as an individual. Your ability to stand on your own and live a life of happiness free from the mundane frivolities we busy ourselves with on a daily basis. Dismiss me if you will, but think of my words in your deepest moments of solitude. When you are all alone. In the night. Where no one will see you crumble. Where no one will hear your cries.

I draw parallels between the decline of the American nation with the fall of the Roman Empire in the first centuries of the currently accepted Gregorian calendar. Historians, scholars and amateurs alike have dissected, discussed, and dismissed countless explanations as to why the Roman Empire finally collapsed, if it ever truly did.

Flavius Vegetius Renatus,a writer in the Late Roman Empire, wrote a work that became famous as the lone surviving work of the Roman martial system. In it, he decried the laxity with which the Roman army had debased itself to. The "Germanization" as he called it, wherein the Roman legions began to rely more heavily on foreign mercenaries led to the cultural "barbarization" of the entire Legionary Corps. This in turn led to the breakdown of discipline in the ranks, increased complacency in their task of defending the vast borders of the Empire and the formation of independent loyalties to specific Commanders instead of the Roman government, and, in turn, the people.

More significant still was the loss of civic virtue amongst the actual citizenry: "The decline of Rome was the natural and inevitable effect of immoderate greatness. Prosperity ripened the principle of decay," wrote Edward Gibbon. He could have been writing about the present. The causes of destruction were varied and multiplied over time. With this passage came the increased detachment between citizen and citizenship. Fewer and fewer were willing to take up the mantle of responsibility and hold the line against increased complacency. Thus, there came a point when the artifices that held an empire cracked under the strain, and the blind were illuminated in the fires of their own destruction. The truth of words spoken over two hundred years ago ring through to the present. As it was then, so it is now. The fall of an Empire.

As societies become more complex they tend to complicate the very problems they seek to solve. Social complexity can include different social and economic roles for people, an increased reliance on symbolic and abstract communication as well as the creation and growth of a new class of information producers and analysts who are not involved in primary resource production. Such complexity requires a substantial investment in resources, energy and wealth, in order to support. Thus when a society like Rome, or the United States today, confronts a problem it tends to create a labyrinthine process of bureaucracy, excess infrastructure, or unnecessary social class to address the challenge. Moreover, this new class lends to the impression that a solution is being worked on. It is the illusion of security and progress that now interest society as opposed to actual decision-making.

The economic decline, militaristic expansion, depopulation of the country's interior, increased immigration into the cities without citizenship, dependency on deficit spending for the military, the rapid expansion of bureaucracy and public corruption, the neutering of the military due to political ineptness, the lack of a real leader in recent decades — a series of misfortunes which proved catastrophic in combination. Wait, am I talking about Rome or the United States?

However, the problems came from outside of Roman territory as well as within. In addition to the wealthy investing more into bureaucratic expenditures and less on infrastructure, there were two serious problems the Romans faced: The Sassanid Empire in the East, and the Germanic tribes along the north. These were not the same tribes that Rome had swept away during the Pax Romana. Due to increased contact with Rome, in both cultural and economic terms, a dramatic shift took place. Disparities in wealth led to a ruling class and the cohesion of the Germanic tribes into a Federation which led to a much more cohesive and formidable opponent for Rome to contend with. With the Sassanid threat looming their was unprecedented immigration at the end of the 4th century which led to new extreme pressures on the Roman government to deal with.

The global war on terror is a drain on this country's resources. Properly channeled and unleashed the American military can act as a precise surgical instrument or a blunt hammer of destruction, but caught in the web of political agendas it is rendered nearly impotent. Globalization and increased inter-connectivity has allowed America's company's and neighbors to exploit the vast potential of the global market. We have put billions in the hands of those who oppose us, and we have allowed greed to lose sight of our citizens. The free market should reign, but it is our responsibility to invest in the infrastructure to support the needs of the people who reside in this country.

For a brief period of history there was a window of opportunity. A moment where history itself stood on the apex of change. In that brief glimpse of eternity where a choice made in a single instant is combined with thousands just like it to form the tapestry of time Rome had its chance. The goddess of Fate, the angels of Fortune, the forces of Chance and the diviner of Destiny each closed itself to the Roman chapter. The Wings of Glory that had descended like heavenly bodies to uplift Rome surrendered its hold as her power and memory crumbled with the walls of the Colosseum.

As it was then, so it is now. And so we continue as a civilization, millions of individuals in a broken shell of the past as we walk like hollow wights into the veiled mists of tomorrow. The choice is simple. The choice is yours. The choice, is now.

*I'm not upset in any way, shape or form. I just wanted to write a little something different, but I realize how politically charged topics can come across aggressive in written text. ENJOY! :)*

One Life: Two Worlds

2009-11-08T11:06:00.001-05:00

Monday, January 19, 2009 at 8:59pm

I live a life in two different worlds, and they are slowly but inexorably on a path of collision. On the one hand, I am fully committed to my training and traveling while on the other I am completely absorbed with social relationships and the nightlife experience. These two lifestyles have become mutually exclusive because I refuse to settle for less than absolute dedication to the former and cannot fully enjoy the latter without a sacrifice that would negatively affect who I am.

Adapted from "No Handlebars" by Flobots. And exaggerated for dramatic effect. ;)

---

I can't lead two lives without losing some,
Without losing some,
Without losing some.
I can't lead two lives so I'm choosing one,
I'm choosing one,
I'm choosing one.

Look at me, look at me feet on the ground like it's good to be alive,
I'm an endurance athlete even when my body's all crookedy.
I can show you how to run forever,
I can show you how to say no to never.
I can take apart a triathlon bike,
But I can almost put it back together.
I can swim laps from noon to night,
I can teach you how to shine with might.
I know all the words to "Eye of the Tiger"
And "We are the Champions".
Me and myself used to weigh a ton,
Me and myself have the world to run.
And guess how long it will take,
I can do anything that I want cuz, wait:

I can keep running with no headphones on,
No headphones on,
No headphones on.

And I can see your face in the stars above,
In the stars above,
In the stars above.

Look at me, look at me, just stopped to say that it's good to be alive, in Miami
All decked out with the girls to see.
I can spend money make it rain at nightclubs,
I can make a memory with you in hot tubs.
I can create and design a story
You believe before you even down the Forty.
I can make new friends in just a minute,
I can make my wallet survive these economic conditions.
I know how to play this business,
And I can make you wanna buy what this is.
Dancers, drinkers and the drivers,
Me and myself understand the future
I see the strings that control the nightlife,
I can do anything without a girl-wife.

Cuz I can lead a girl on with a smile-and-nod,
With a smile-and-nod,
With a smile-and-nod.

But I can't split the atoms of my life no-more,
Of my life no-more,
Of my life no-more.

Look at me, look at me, running and I won't stop,
And it feels so good to be alive and on top.
My travels are global, my honor secure.
My causes are noble, my power is pure.

I can hand out a million great quotations,
Or leave them hanging in exasperation.
Have 'em all healed of their vacillations,
Or have 'em all hurt by the player-nation.

I can lift anybody from beneath the trample,
Just because I lead by example.
And I can do anything with no restrictions,
I do it all as part of my mission, cuz:
I can show you a life without being trite,
Without being trite,
Without being trite.
And I can set ambitions well within your hope,
Well within your hope,
Well within your hope.
And I can save a life just through sacrifice,
just through sacrifice, just through sacrifice,
just through sacrifice, just through sacrifice,
just through sacrifice, just my sacrifice!

I can't lead two lives without losing some,
Without losing some,
Without losing some.

I can't lead two lives so I'm choosing one,
I'm choosing one,
I'm choosing one...

---

Welcome to my life...

I wake up every morning at 4 a.m. I shower, eat, dress and walk out the door before the sun comes up. With my bike. I ride to work and change. Into my running clothes. I run for 5 miles and then stretch out before showering at my gym and going into work. I teach for seven hours on my feet and then take relaxing breath at 2:30. I change back into my running clothes. I run for another 5 miles and then ride my bike home to shower, eat and relax. I read a book for an hour or so and go to sleep around 8 p.m. Weekends are no different. I just exercise for longer periods of time. I'm up with the sun and out the door before most people start breakfast. I eat 5,000 calories a day according to a very structured diet of 60% carbohydrates, 25% protein and 15% fat. I run around 70 miles a week, cycle for 100 miles, and swim for 6 on any given week. I travel both locally and internationally to compete in races. Triathlons, marathons, sprints, Ultras; they're all amazing experiences. I do things and see places that most people will never be able to comprehend. It's an incredible life. A lonely life.

The Way of Walking the Lonely Road

* Do not turn your back on the Ways of the world.

* Do not scheme for your own pleasure.

* Do not rely on anything but the Way or anyone but yourself .

* Consider yourself lightly. Consider the world deeply.

* Do not think of the world in terms of acquisition.

* Do not regret. Ever.

* Do not envy the good or evil in others.

* Do not lament the parting of souls on any road, whatsoever.

* Do not be inflexible like the Oak, but rather bend with change as the Willow on the wind.

* Do not harbor false hope of a permanent home.

* Do not hold an unhealthy liking for luxuries and eccentricities.

* Do not withhold your strength from helping those in need.

* Do not be intent on possessing valuables at an old age to sacrifice the here and now.

* While walking the Way, never fear or begrudge death.

* Though you may give up your life, never give up your honor.

* Never depart from the Way of the Warrior.

Welcome to my other life...

I wake up every morning around 6:30 a.m., exhausted, and hit the shower. I head in to work, teach a full day and go home to take a nap. I sleep for a few hours to recharge my batteries before I go for a long run. Finally fully awake, I shower and get ready for a night on the town. The night starts around 9 p.m. and usually ends up with me walking back home around 3 in the morning. I meet people, make friends and have a full social life. I go to clubs, bars, lounges...they're all fun experiences. I country line dance into a rueda salsa and finish up with some techno. At the end of the night, the fun experiences I have replay through my head as I collapse exhausted into my bed. The temporary happiness I get from these casual encounters fade away with the rising sun, and I'm not quite sure what lasting meaning I receive from living this life. I keep telling myself I'm trying to meet someone of quality who is worth it.

"So here's to the the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do." - Steve Jobs

So goodbye late nights. Goodbye to distractions. Goodbye to everything that never really served me in the first place. Goodbye.

Welcome to my life...

2008: The Year of Change

2009-11-08T11:05:00.001-05:00

Friday, January 9, 2009 at 9:34pm

So last year I wrote about how quickly my life had changed in the span of a short year. I know this is a little late but I wanted to make sure I got it in. In 2007 I basically recreated my identity and redefined who I wanted to be as a person. The year of 2008 was in many ways similar: I continued to grow as a new individual with a completely separate and unique outlook on life. However, this past year also bore witness to a great number of changes in who I am as well. Some of them have been very good. Others, I have yet to pass judgment on despite trying to see them in a constructive light.

So I will begin my discussion of the new year in 2008 as I did the year before it. One overarching principle: Be happy. Three fundamental rules: No shame. No fear. No regret. A deep rooted conviction in pushing myself to new limits and a pledge to live as spontaneously as possible.

"It was the year of fire. It was the year of destruction. The year we took back what was ours. It was the year of rebirth. The year of great sadness. The year of pain. And the year of joy. It was a new age. It was the end of history. It was the year, everything changed." - J. Michael Straczynski

I reflect upon 2008, the "Year of Change" and see so many incredible things. I ran a marathon with a hematoma in my right thigh and quadricep. I ran a 50 mile ultramarathon with two torn ligaments in my left ankle. I ran a 100 mile ultramarathon. Period. I competed in a triathlon with stingray barbs in my right foot. I competed in an IronMan with stingray barbs in my foot. It's been truly amazing.

I continued my crazy streak of spontaneous things. I ran across the Golden Gate bridge. I went skydiving. I picked up scuba diving. A night of martinis and jungle swings in Colorado. I traveled across much of Europe. A late-night walk through the streets of Prague and no clue where to go. I picked up beer in Germany. I picked up wine in Italy. A barefoot sprint across gravel and rock in Sanibel. Climbing up trees for coconuts and then strawberries with champagne.

This second year of my rebirth has been so tremendous. I can honestly say that never have I experienced so much in one year. 2008 was about successfully growing into the changes that I underwent, and that is something I have definitely done. For most of 2008 I walked the Way and hope to continue that path into my future. Strip away all of the accomplishments, the countless hours of training, the cherished memories, and I go back to that one single principle that is the core of my life: Be happy. That foundation for my life is protected by those three simple rules: No shame, no fear, no regret.

The dawn has brought a new year in 2009 and with it a new age full of potential and possibilities. A new era that will present as many opportunities and memories as I am willing to make. 2009: a year of trials where my lifestyle will be challenged. Can I keep it up? Is it possible for me to continue climbing the ever-steepening hill? I believe in myself that I can, which makes all the difference. A new year with the chance to forge my own path along the road.

Death of a Hero...A Tribute to Superman

2009-11-08T11:03:00.002-05:00

Friday, January 9, 2009 at 5:01pm

I have spent a lot of time putting this note together but have not had the opportunity to work on it in a few weeks. I would like to take you on a metaphorical journey through the heart and soul of a society's struggle for belief, honesty and identity.

Superman may possess an array of impressive powers but even the Man of Steel has a tough time surviving in our cynical world. Created in a time of black and white, good and evil, the boundaries have spilled over into shades of gray that encompass every aspect of our society. No one has suffered more from this change than Superman. No longer easily discernible between right and wrong, the first superhero to stand for truth, justice and the American way is the first to fall...but to what? How could someone so strong of body and pure of heart meet succumb to such a fate?

In 1992 DC comics brought this monumental struggle to the fore by introducing a villain of unparalleled power and destruction: Doomsday. Named by the Man of Tomorrow himself, Doomsday represented more than just some unstoppable evil juggernaut; he was the antithesis of Superman. Where Superman cherished life and brought hope Doomsday offered only death and destruction. Released as the first issue in January 1993, Superman fought Doomsday with every ounce of his strength. Ultimately, he made the greatest sacrifice in offering his life to protect the people he loved: the innocent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-EsZD6bxUU

Superman is intricately tied with the moral values we honor as a society. As a cultural icon of the American people it is only natural that his story change to reflect the evolution of our own perceptions of these values.

Many look at Superman as some idealistic illusion. Living a life of noble sacrifice and selfless service his actions are viewed as unrealistic and the rhetoric he spouts nothing more than propaganda issued by the powers behind the symbolism of Superman.

Too perfect a character, people lost interest in Superman and the virtues he represented. Little if anything can be done to counteract this common perception. What makes Superman such a unique individual is not his seemingly limitless power, but rather his choice to do good with that power. His power is a part of him, intricately intertwined with his identity. It is not a creation of his wealth or the consequence of an accident; instead he is put in this singly unique position and it is his choice that defines him. His human upbringing shapes him into a man that wants to help others. A man who believes in the right of his actions. In doing so Superman shows that power does corrupt, and absolute power can corrupt absolutely; but not all men.

To think that we have seen him rescue countless people in otherwise miraculous feats and still be able to say that Superman’s potential has never been fully realized is something substantial to consider. His is such a deep story. It is the tale of what a single person is possible of achieving with the gifts they are given on an awe inspiring scale. These are the times when limits, imagination and the impossible, have no boundaries. Superman is such a case - to give in to the wonders of believing a man can fly and yet having to choose which of the cries for help he should serve first is the beginning of a great story and the basis for inspiring tales of heroism and courage.

Ultimately, it was neither unstoppable villain nor the ever-dangerous kryptonite that did the Blue Boyscout in, but rather a death from within. Superman died because we no longer believed in him. Having emerged from the Second World War as triumphant victors in an epic struggle against the evils of fascism, the following half-century saw a nation fracture and collapse upon itself. Prolonged conflicts in Vietnam and elsewhere called into question America's military might. Assassinations, military coups and an increasingly distant and secretive government made citizens doubt America's political right. It is with sardonic humor that I note the timing of Superman's death with the end of the Cold War. The changing nature of our society is a topic for another time, but I will comment on it in terms of Superman's death. The villain Doomsday was not some titanic force of evil as portrayed in the comics or on television, but rather the physical manifestation of an idea. Violence, hatred, greed, fear, and distrust are but a few of the words that power Doomsday. Look at the symbolism and it is clear: Superman died because we no longer appreciated who he was and what he stood for.

And so I leave you with a Requiem for the death of a hero. A tribute to Superman. Perhaps lost, but never forgotten...

Superman is Condemned

Many times people would level false charges against Superman. He wasn't always there to save the day. He played favorites. His mere presence brought levels of destruction and evil that would otherwise never have occurred. Superman wasn't real they said, and he spoke not a word in his own defense. And so the critics clamored for his demise.

"The world was taking Superman for granted, so we literally said 'let's show what the world would be like without Superman'."

So Superman was condemned to death.

Even when you were misunderstood you silently forgave us, but so often we responded in anger.
We had the choice to save you, but we have fallen from grace, and demanded your death.

Superman Receives his Burden

Superman was scourged. He fought and bled and struggled until his symbolic garments were shredded and bathed in his own blood. Naked, you came into the world; naked you leave it. Vulnerable and exposed, not a superman, but a man. And yet you were the same. Unchanged. The symbols may be stripped away, but within you lies the same strength, the same love you showed to so many. A single trail of tears fell upon his face in mockery of the grief and loss that should have been shared by so many. Then they placed him in a casket and brought him to the place where he would lie.

Superman, you were mocked and betrayed. You did not deserve the suffering you endured but endured nonetheless for our sake. Thank you. Thank you for standing when no one would rise. Thank you for falling when no one would dare.

Superman Falls

Despite his vaunted strength, even Superman could fall. The power of Kryptonite. The relentless assault of Doomsday. The ever-present burdens of watching the night, of holding the line, of staying the course.

Knowing the consequences, Superman embraced his burden, placing it upon his shoulders to bear for all the world. Sagging down with the weight of fatigue of constant struggle a fiery pain shot along his arms and legs to explode with excruciating pain in his mind. Yet he would not break. Superman poured all of his strength and indeed his life energy itself into a blow so powerful that he destroyed this manifestation of evil and darkness. But not without great cost. In his desperate act Superman gave up his own life to protect those he cared so much about.

His spirit was willing, but our faith was weak. Our faith is still weak. We shy away from the weight of your burden, refusing to bear witness to your deeds. Everything you did was meant to inspire us to better ourselves, and for that we should be forever thankful. May we find inspiration in your ultimate sacrifice.

Superman sees Lois Watching with Despair

In your struggle for our safety you looked upon Lois and saw the anguish in her eyes. And yet despite your desire you could not stop to comfort her or to share your emotions with her. All of your energy was directed at saving us from the evil you stood against. You left the small farm in Kansas to fulfill your destiny as our protector, and you left your love to die in the same role. Through your example we can share the pain involved in choosing what is right even if it causes pain to those who care for us. May we find truth in your actions that they may be not suffered in vain.

Lois cradles the shell of Superman

Compassion. Lois holds your broken body tightly as tears stream down her cheeks to fall lightly upon your face. Though you cannot feel the outpouring of love she has for you, rest easily knowing that you were loved. Your choices in life and your actions inspired others. They instilled a sense of pride and stirred emotions deep within those who truly knew you. Know that there can be no greater reward in life.

The Legacy of Superman

You have shown us how to make the right choice. You have shown us how to make the hard choice. Should we choose to partake of the cause we will become tired; we will become weak. Only later will we recognize the fulfillment and privilege in shouldering the burden of fighting for right. In so doing it may be that we are filled with an inner light that shines through with compassion and empathy for those around us. A burning, life-changing love. The same light that shone within you.

Superman Falls for the Last Time

We ask if this struggle will ever end and feel hope slip away as the timeless conflict wages on. Many did not realize the answer: For ever; until the never-ending road is ended; until the impossible is completed, until the unbearable is borne through all of eternity. Often we fall and are tempted not to rise again. Often we fall to the laughter of those who doubt, who criticize, who hold bitterness in their hearts and no longer believe. When all is dark, and hope is gone, it is hard for us to have faith. We did not know the costs would so great. We did not know the sacrifices we would have to make, but we endure. We ask for the strength to fulfill our promises. We firmly resolve to go on:

For the sake of my children. My sons. My daughters. My loved ones. My bride. My people. I must go on. I will go on. I must not, cannot, give up now. The Way of sorrows, the Way of pain, the Way of self-renunciation, the Way of my burden.

So go tell a friend or passerby:
That here, forever, will a hero lie.

Farewell Superman.

These Shoes...

2009-11-08T11:03:00.001-05:00

Monday, December 15, 2008 at 8:51pm

"My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance."

“Excuse me?”

“Something my father said. He was old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong and he said, ‘My shoes are too tight, but it doesn’t matter, because I have forgotten how to dance’. I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight and I have forgotten how to dance.” - J. M. Straczynski

Sometimes we become so wrapped up in the trappings of life that we actually forget how to live. We allow our fears to dictate our actions and in-so-doing we begin to react to situations instead of taking decisive action.

"It is better to be boldly decisive and risk being wrong than to agonize at length and be right too late." - Marilyn Kennedy

I am often reminded of the popular legend associated with Juan Ponce de León. His long and futile search for the fabled 'Fountain of Youth' to cure his aging ultimately cost him many years of his life. In the truest sense of irony he gave up the very thing he held precious in a vain attempt to keep it.

And now, a thought...

I wake up in the morning and go through the motions. I shower. I eat. I dress. What I do is mostly irrelevant; my mind devoting the bare minimum to the tasks at hand. Instead I am consumed by the seemingly insurmountable dilemmas of the modern era...

Did I forget anything? That's right, I have that meeting later today in the afternoon. I promised to call someone back but it's been over a week now. I forgot to take out the trash yesterday. I have to send the money in for the insurance. I can't go because of an appointment in the afternoon. Isn't it my turn to lead the discussion in today's class? I wonder if she will want to...Do they really think I...I can't believe it didn't...

Questions overlap and vie for my attention. Too many thoughts. Too many worries. Yet as I sit there in the dark, head resting in my hands my gaze suddenly focuses on some obscure shadow against the wall.

My running shoes.

I slightly exhale from exhaustion as I reach toward them and carefully place them down by my feet. Just like that my mind rids itself of the trash and is cleared of the useless clutter. I breath in a little deeper and feel the beginnings of a swell within my limbs as I think...

These shoes...

These shoes have carried me so far. I have run away from pain and frustration. I have run towards goals and salvation. I have run for my loved ones and I have run for myself. I have run at 4 in the morning before a full day's work. I have run at 7 in the morning after a long night's adventure. I have run for 30 seconds before pulling up short from the pain, and I have run 27 hours straight to cover over 100 miles. No matter where I have run, regardless of the destination and no matter the reason...these shoes have carried me there.

"We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon." - Emil Zatopek

The wistful remembrance recedes as I exhale with contentment. No longer subsumed by my previous concerns I settle my mind on the task at hand. Much like the warrior girding himself for battle I lace my shoes with practiced precision to ensure they will securely hold my feet without cutting off the necessary circulation of blood for a run that could last well over two hours. Content with their feel I confidently stride out the door onto a path that has no predestined end. For with these shoes...

With these shoes I will travel. With these shoes I will explore the road that lies ahead. With these shoes I will discover the true path. With these shoes I will lead by example. With these shoes I will conquer. With these shoes I will speak louder than any words could ever express. With these shoes I will go further, run farther, than anyone previously dared thought possible. With these shoes...I will change the world.

"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say." - J.R.R. Tolkien

The world passes by in a blur of vision and sound. I savor each moment as I soak in the essence of every stride I take. Sure, it sounds like existential nonsense, and why not? You have not experienced the sensation of running like I have. You do not know. You cannot know; but I was there, in these shoes...

In these shoes I will reclaim my life. In these shoes I will remember the future and forge the present. In these shoes I will redefine the impossible. In these shoes I will see the world. In these shoes I will live life's sweetest breath. In these shoes...I will fall.

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." - T.S. Eliot

The miles I have left behind pale when compared to the countless miles before me. The hours have passed without remark and have led me to the breaking point. Body broken on a dark and lonely road the fires in my heart have extinguished with the onset of the bitter cold night. The will, the desire is there, but my body can no longer take me there. My blistered feet, swollen with the pounding of innumerable steps try to push forward in vain. Laying there beneath a starry-sky my breath mists one final time as I exhale and recall the beginning of my journey in these shoes...

"It's at the borders of pain and suffering that the men are separated from the boys." - Emil Zatopek

These shoes have served me well. These shoes have carried me across muddy rivers and moonlit trails. These shoes have taken me to the mountain summit and ocean shore. These shoes have born witness to my trek across the vast continents. These shoes have weathered the storm and stood the test of time. These shoes have suffered with every step I took. These shoes have witnessed me fall to the floor, and these shoes have pushed me to my feet time and again.

So many years. The miles I have run, the places I have seen, the journeys I have taken part of will forever hold dear to my heart. Every memory a lifetime to relive in moments of reflection. Each run an adventure with its own story to tell. The time spent reminiscing only serves to strengthen the bond I have with this unique and fulfilling practice. There will come a day when I will lay my shoes beside my feet and wonder at the marvels of my life's achievements. I am confident that when the time comes for me to forever put my shoes away the responsibility will be passed unto another to carry the tale to some new horizon. That day is not this day. This day I will run, and remember how to dance.

"Those who say that I will lose and am finished will have to run over my body to beat me." - Said Aouita

Twilight draws upon us at the end of days. Each of our lives a flame that flickers with the winds of time. Choice and fate are intertwined to the core of our beings and yet we forever cry out blind to the darkness. If you could only see the light within yourself; the world not as what is, but what it could be. And so I will end as I began, with a quote and a thought. I ask that you reflect upon your own life's journey and ask if these words ring true in your ears at the end of the day as they always should.

"Today I gave all I had. What I've kept, is lost forever."

- and -

"Become something greater than you are." - Me

What Happened to the Good Ole Days...Were They Really That Good?

2009-11-08T11:02:00.001-05:00

Friday, December 12, 2008 at 12:22pm

The following is meant to provoke thought and discussion based on two opposing views. I was reading through a number of news articles, mostly international stories, and just found myself wondering how things have continued to degenerate so far. I started to think about life, society and culture in this country. How much have we changed? So I thought I would let my mind wander off for a bit...

Do you miss the good old days? Were they really that good? Were things safer, simpler, and even sexier back then? Was less really more?

I do believe in them, and I do think I'm a bit too "old school" for this day and age.

Has discipline in school really changed so much from talking, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, skipping in line, wearing improper clothes, and not putting trash in garbage cans to Drug and alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, theft, assault, and guns in school?

Certainly, life was different back then. Most people got married first and then slept together. Back then having a meaningful relationship was when you spent time getting to know a person and learning about them. Now it's about satisfying your emotional emptiness through momentary and ultimately unfulfilling physical pleasure. A long term relationship is anything that lasts longer than a month, and a person's status and their 'game' matter more than their values and personality.

Life was slower sure, but at least then you could spend a minute here and there to remember it. Service stations had service. Fast food was when you reheated leftovers from the previous night. People ate dinner at a table and talked to each other. It seems like in today's world our attention spans have been reduced to that of a goldfish, we get angry when something takes longer than exactly three seconds to get done, our vocabularies have been reduced to a string of four-letter words, (it's a long sentence, are you still with me?) and by the age of 15 we have already had our first stress-induced breakdown.

Back then a quarter meant a huge chocolate bar or an ice cream float from a soda jerk. Now it's something we drop into the tip jar because we don't want to deal with it. Oh yeah, that quarter could also get you a gallon of gasoline.

The good old days meant climbing trees, playing games with real people in real streets. Actually going outside to see the sun on a daily basis and using your imagination to pick out shapes from clouds as you laid in the grass just for the simple pleasure of it. Now we spend our time in front of a television, or an all-in-one phone, and have trouble creating anything without having it spoon fed from some mainstream media source.

Sure we had our problems in the past: Bigotry, racism, war. I sure am glad we've successfully rid ourselves of them!

My stance in this debate is abundantly clear...how about yours?

Echoes of a Reflection...

2009-11-08T11:01:00.004-05:00

Sunday, December 7, 2008 at 2:50pm

The first reaction to a truth is hate.

"Hatred is evil...and what is the root of all evil? Desire is the root of evil; illusion is the root of evil." - Siddhartha Gautama, The Buddha

"Hatred corrodes the vessel in which it is stored." - Chinese proverb

"Hatred is nothing more than self-punishment. Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated." - George Bernard Shaw

“The hatred of those who are near to us is the most violent - Publius Cornelius Tacitus

Why do you look at me like that? I see that look in your eyes and wonder why I even bother any more. Do you think I have spent all of this time wasting my life? Actually, I know that you do. It is so easy for you to criticize me for every little thing I do. Even worse is that look you give me for those I do not. I have spent so much of life trusting you and working for you. When does it end? I really want to know. When will you finally be satisfied? Please tell me because I need to know. I need to know what it will take to make you happy and to leave me be in peace.

Again you look at me with judgment and disappointment. Do you think any of this can come so easily? Have you no patience? No, forget patience. Have you no faith in me any more? What happened to you? What makes you think you have any right to judge me?

I hate you.

I hate everything about you! I hate the fact that you quit on me. I hate it when you tell me I'm not good enough. For all of the chances in life you have made me miss, I hate you. I hate the fact that you have let me down so many times in my life. I hate how you always have an excuse. There is always something that never lets you see it through to the end. I hate that you constantly try to beat me down with your negativity. I hate that you always wait until the last minute to get anything done. I hate that you never stand up for yourself. Why do you always try and please everyone else? Why do you let people walk all over you? I hate the fact that you do these things knowing exactly what the other people are doing. I hate it when you are disappointed in me. I hate it when your fears hold me back. I absolutely hate you.

I hate that I can never say goodbye to you.
I hate that I can never run away from you.
I hate that I cannot hide from you.

But most of all...more than anything else, I hate that you stare back into my eyes every time I look into a mirror.

There comes a time when in each of our lives where you look into the mirror and realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. Then you accept it, or grow to hate yourself. Or you stop looking into mirrors.

Self-hatred never inspires lasting change. Time is irrelevant. Excuses are immaterial. Drown out the echoes and shatter the reflection. Become something greater than you are. This moment. Here, and now. Be the change you wish to see in the world, in your life, in the depths of your soul.

"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy." - St. Francis of Assisi

Believe...

2009-11-08T11:01:00.003-05:00

Friday, December 5, 2008 at 12:06am

I should be sleeping right now, but I feel inspired and this is more important.

For all of you who need this; and, more importantly, for all of you who think you don't.

Believe...

I know that there are times-a-plenty you and I have fought,
The angry voices, heated moments, apologies for naught.
I wander down this lonesome road now trying to get by,
A blurry image, I see your face and stumble as I cry...

Believe in me, through battles hard fought to the end...
Believe in me, above all else you I'll defend.

Believe in me, I will not go back on my word...
Believe in me, I love you girl haven't you heard.

Believe in me, no matter the cost I'll not fail...
Believe in me, a deed well worthy of the tale.

Remember back when we first started all that we had said,
That first cold night when it was raining holding you in bed.
A flash of light and we skip forward I'm down on bended knee,
My nervous hands they lead yours forward, a life that's yet to be.

Believe in me, nowhere else can we two belong...
Believe in me, this something I've said for so long.

Believe in me, this paradise clouding your eyes...
Believe in me, a future foretold by the wise.

Believe in me, a love I tried hard not to lose...
Believe in me, you will not regret once you choose.

The memories fade and as they go I cannot help but think,
Each choice and every single reason that brought us to the brink.
I sit beside a warm-lit fire and stare out in the snow,
Reflecting back on my long life the love that I let go...

Believe in me, for what I will tell you is true,
Believe in me, 'cause all I believe in is you...
Believe in me...
Believe in you...
Believe it's true.

Running is a Way of Life...What Dreams May Come

2009-11-08T11:01:00.001-05:00

Monday, November 24, 2008 at 7:27pm

My name is Marcos Redondo. I'm 25 years old. I'm a teacher, and I run. I run because it is my nature. It is the calling of my heart. I run to relieve stress. I run to inspire those around me. I run because it keeps me healthy. I run because it makes me happy. I run to push the physical limits of my body. I run to find the immeasurable depths of the human soul.

There is no finish line. There is no end to the road I travel. There is no glory in what I do. There is only me, and the road. For a long time I've said that the only limitations that exist in our lives are the ones we place on ourselves. Visualization. See yourself fulfilling your goal and there is nothing beyond your reach. We all find ourselves facing those moments where everything seems dire and all hope has faded. Yet it is in those very moments that we must endure. When you are broken and feel like giving up, what will you do? It is easy for us to admit defeat. Accept your limits and turn away from your goals. That is what dreams are after all: a fantastic representation of what idyllic circumstances might bring. I know that for me, personally, I would rather sacrifice everything I might ever be or do in the future to fulfill one dream in the here and now.

Reckless? Possibly. Yet why should I plan my life around the possibilities of what dreams may come? To hell with that. I've spent the last 22 months running as a way of life. I've run less than a mile and had to stop because of pain so sharp it has dropped me to my knees and I've run longer than I ever dreamed was physically possible for myself. I've run through frigid nights where I lost all feeling in my hands and feet and suffered heat so fierce that drenching myself under a bottle of water would evaporate within five minutes. I can honestly say that I cherish each and every one of those experiences. Running gives me the ability to simultaneously release the pressures of worry and doubt while inspiring me to dream of the impossible.

"There's a man Ian never got to know, the man he was growing up to be. He's a good-looking clear-eyed fella... about 25. I can see him. He's the type of guy men want to be around, because he has integrity, you know? He has character. You can't fake that. And he's a guy women want to be around, too. Because there's tenderness in him... respect... and loyalty, and courage. And women respond to that. Makes him a terrific husband, this guy. I see him as a father. That's where he really shines. See, when he looks in his kid's eyes and that kid knows that his dad really, really sees him... he sees who he is. Then that child knows that he is an amazing person. He's quite a guy... that I'll never get to meet. I wish I had."

This quote, spoken by Robin Williams in the movie "What Dreams May Come" is a beautiful representation of what I am trying to get at. Dreams. We all have them. We all have aspirations and goals we want to accomplish in our lives. From the simple to the grandiose, our dreams define us. Ambition. Aspiration. What drives you? Whether it's becoming the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or raising a loving family without the passion to sustain you through the hardships and tribulations that we all inevitably face in achieving our goals we will stumble, and we will fall.

My motto is simple: Become something better than you are. I originally thought of it one night as I was running in August of 2007. Troubled by my past and worried about my future I decided to let it all go. I finally realized that none of the pain or worry was worth a damn. All that existed was the present moment I was living. The here and now. I had to decide how I would experience that single precious moment of my life. Would I squander it worrying about something I had no control over or worse, regretting some decision I had already made? Or would I use it as a foundation upon which I could build a future for myself. Not looking at some final goal but simply using the time I had to make myself a better person in every way I could.

It was that motto which forged itself into the depths of my very soul as I chose to ignore pain, injury and illness to accomplish previously unimaginable feats. For no other reason than to test myself and to force myself into that critical moment. That single instant that repeatedly defines us as individuals: Will you stand or will you fall?

What are your dreams? What will you sacrifice in order to see them fulfilled? Will you surrender if you falter along the way, or will you endure? Will you be happy with yourself even if you fall short of your goals in the end? Will you?

Here is another quote from Robin Williams in What Dreams May Come:

"What some folks call impossible, is just stuff they haven't seen before."

So call me what you will. Label it impossible. Watch me.

Beneath the Mask

2009-11-08T11:00:00.002-05:00

Monday, October 13, 2008 at 11:13pm

This was originally drafted in early September. I decided to finally finish it because I thought it would be thought provoking and because I like to write about a lot of different things. :P It basically reflects a boy's transformation as he searches for meaning and connection. It is fictional, by the way. ;)

We all wear our masks. In public and in private. Before strangers and before loved ones. To impress and to hide. Yet, as Tennessee Williams once said: "There comes a time when you look into the mirror and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. And then you accept it. Or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking in mirrors." At some point we must drop the facade we dress up our lives to be and face who we truly are, and what we have become. Strip away the excuses and the escapism and take a look into that mirror. What is it you see...

I lie awake restless wondering how to tell her that I cannot be what she wants me to be in her life. Knowing how much it will hurt her I decide to tell her the truth and accept that she will never look at me the same.

Change...

A twist of chance puts her in my path as I try to mend a broken heart. All I manage to do is remind her of the pain she wants to bury beneath a bottle and a new lifestyle.

Change...

With thickened walls to block my heart I cast myself into a world of risk, adventure and reckless abandon. This care-free confidence puts everything else into a different light.

Change...

She likes me and I know exactly what to say to her. I spend the entire night making her laugh while I struggle with myself to let go of these antiquated restrictions.

Change...

A random encounter turns into flirtatious fun. The only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions.

Change...

I confidently walk up to them and get them talking about my shirt. Within twenty minutes I have them laughing at my jokes and leaving the guys they came with to hang out with me and my friends.

Change...

Late-night phone conversations and a trip to the beach leaves me looking for something more. The games no longer hold their appeal and old emotions begin to stir.

Change...

A first-time experience becomes a frequent occurrence and I set up shop in style. A pretty face and surprising conversations make me nervous for the first time in a long time.

Change...

I spend the night entertaining her with jokes, stories and a good time. An easy target with materialism written all over her I politely turn her down and get another earful for my honesty.

Change...

I cast off the worry and the need for companionship and just have fun. The world is my oyster.

Change...

I look to my left; I look to my right, and I sigh. This isn't who I really am.

Change...

I take a step back and try to remember another face that looked back at the reflection in the mirror. A naive boy who wanted nothing more than to find romance and his princess from a fairy tale.

...

Beneath the Mask... -- Marcos Redondo

Beneath the mask so false we lie,
To hide ourselves from piercing eye.
Yet hope remains that one day we,
Might drop the falsehood subtlety,
And show what waits beneath the mask.

'Til then our shadows dim the light,
Why should we take a chance that might,
Reveal the depths of horrid fright,
What lies beneath the mask.

We talk, we laugh, we pay our dues,
Not long now can our souls' abuse,
Take refuge from a poisoned tongue;
Corrupt now what innocence begun.
Now must you choose to flee or free,
What lies beneath the mask.

The Time of Your Life...A Matter of Choice

2009-11-08T11:00:00.001-05:00

Monday, October 6, 2008 at 10:41pm

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right, I hope you have the time of your life." - Green Day

24 hours in a day.
8 hours of sleep.
16 hours in a day.
8 hours of work.
8 hours in a day.
1.5 hours of swimming.
6.5 hours in a day.
1 hour of weight training.
5.5 hours in a day.
2 hours of running.
3.5 hours in a day.
2.5 hours of eating, dressing, changing, showering, grooming, walking, talking, texting, writing, reading, driving, and every other mundane thing that we do each and every single day of our lives.
1 hour in a day.
Cross Country practice, club meetings, answering e-mails, lesson plans, grading papers, going out at night, and every other conceivable thing I might do...in one hour.
I've already cut into my sleep time significantly just to stay up and write this note...and to eat my Pepto Bismol flavored strawberry frozen yogurt.....what a disappointment!

24 hours in a day. I remember when I used to have so much free time in my day that I would literally look for something to do to occupy myself. Now I find myself looking to squeeze as much out of my time as possible. It forces me to choose the things and people in my life which are most important to me. I've always believed that we find the time for the things we want in life. I wouldn't have that any other way.

I spent six hours today training. 2 miles swimming, my regular "Spartan Workout" with the consecutive 30 x rep sets back-to-back for about an hour, had a smoothie and then went for my 15 mile run.

I know the people who are important to me in my life and I know which things I value and wish to maintain in my life. They are choices I make with the time in my life. It's something unpredictable, but in the end I truly think it's right; so decide for yourself and have the time of your life.

Searching for a Purpose

2009-11-08T10:59:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 9:56pm

I feel rudderless. I can't help but feel that something has been missing in my life, and it has caused me these past few months to become distracted. The lofty goals I had set for myself have been accomplished. I ran a marathon with only a few weeks of training for the distance. Seven months later I completed an IronMan. Five months later I ran my first 50 mile Ultramarathon. Two months later I doubled the distance and ran 100 consecutive miles.

The goals I have for the future seem absurd and cause even those people who know me best to question whether or not they can be achieved. Yet for some reason I cannot seem to maintain the single-mindedness of purpose that I have had these past 21 months. I will be running seven marathons on the seven continents in seven consecutive weeks in 2010. While I am hoping it to be one of the most incredible experiences of my life the actual challenge itself does not require me to push myself or reach a new level. The Spartathlon will be held this weekend in Greece. Unfortunately I only became eligible to register after the registration had closed for 2008, but it is the goal I have set for myself in 2009.

I will be running in the race next September. I hope that in the very near future I will be able to reestablish the level of dedication and commitment to my goals with something like the Spartathlon on the horizon. I believe I have already taken the first steps in the right direction toward completing my future goals; time will tell.

The reason

When the Persian army landed at Marathon, Greece in 490 B.C.E. stories tell of an Athenian messenger who was sent to Sparta to request aid in their fight against overwhelming odds. The messenger, Pheidippides, ran the 150 miles to Sparta in two days. Other stories tell of how Pheidippides ran the 26.2 miles from the battlefield of Marathon to Athens to tell the Greeks of the tremendous victory. In 1879 the English poet Robert Browning recounted the story:

"So, when Persia was dust, all cried, "To Acropolis!

Run, Pheidippides, one race more! the meed is thy due!

Athens is saved, thank Pan, go shout!" He flung down his shield

Ran like fire once more: and the space 'twixt the fennel-field

And Athens was stubble again, a field which a fire runs through,

Till in he broke: "Rejoice, we conquer!" Like wine through clay,

Joy in his blood bursting his heart, - the bliss!"

It was this poem that acted as a source of inspiration to Pierre de Coubertin, founder of the modern Olympic Games. The story of Pheidippides' run from Marathon to Athens tells of an impressive feat. One that has been replicated and completed by many people across the world. Yet Pheidippides was a runner of true grit. Running 150 miles across the rugged and hilly terrain of Greece nearly two-and-a-half millennia ago ignites a passion in my blood. Something to strive for; to fight for. A purpose.

Always the Hopeless Romantic

2009-11-08T10:59:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 at 8:43pm

He stood there at the forest's edge watching her enter the city gates surrounded by royal escort. Under the pine-scented branches the moonlight cast shadows across his face. Part of him wanted to cry out to her and warn her of the darkness that had engulfed her home for so many years. Shaking his head, the thought faded as soon as it was formed. There was too much at risk. Too many dangers. Especially to her. Unconsciously his hand drifted toward his left cheek. To the scar that always brought him back to the promises made on a cold winter day so many years ago...

Even if the distance is vast...
Or the struggle great.
Even if I did not know where to search...
Or know how to start.
Even if the road ahead is blocked...
Or I can no longer walk.
Even if every bone in my body shatters...
Or if everyone tells me otherwise.
Even if you don't want me to...
Or will hate me for doing so.

I will save you...
Because no one else can warm my soul, fire my heart, or light my life.
I will save you.

"Take the strongest us. The most hardened of men. At the core of each of us is a boy with a wounded heart. A broken dream. We build walls around our emotions to keep from facing the truth. To keep us protected against ever having to experience that kind of pain ever again. Yet no matter how far we run, no matter how much we do to forget there is no salvation in denial. When the end comes and it is time to face the decisions we make in life it is only by embracing love that we can find peace in our hearts. Never be afraid to live."

...I just felt like writing something. I hope you enjoy it. :)

The Spartan Workout...Day 11

2009-11-08T10:58:00.002-05:00

Sunday, September 21, 2008 at 10:58am

So my new training regiment continues and while I am absolutely loving it I have noticed that there is even less time in my day now to spend on other things, like sleep. Still, it's worth it. I might end up renaming the workout though. I feel that the best way to improve yourself is to push yourself to new limits. That does not happen when you are feeling fresh and at peak levels but rather when you are exhausted and completely broken. It's called critical condition training.

I've broken down my entire day's workout to give an example of what I mean. I also included the amount of calories I ate throughout the day. There's definitely no exercise bulimia going on here. :P

Saturday - 20 September 2008

4:00 a.m. - Get home
4:30 a.m. - Bowl of Tomato Basil soup, box of Wheat Thin crackers ~ 1,500 calories
5:00 a.m. - Go to sleep
11:30 a.m. - Wake up. Bowl of Frosted mini-wheat ~750 calories
12:30 p.m. - 2 x Bioprotein bars & 2x glass skim milk ~ 1,000 calories
2:00 p.m. - Stretch; pre-workout routine
2:30 p.m. - Swim workout; 3 x 1,000 yard swim with 250 yard warmup/cooldown
4:00 p.m. - Shower; weight training:

Elevated push-up x 30
One-arm DB Squat x 30
45° Lat Pull-down x 30
Jump-squat w/DB x 30
Elevated push-up x 30
Split-squat Jump x 30
Band-row Seated x 30
Shoulder-press x 30
Stationary Lunge x 30
Russian Twist x 30
Bicep Curl x 30
Core workout (Plank, Crunches, Flytrap, Sit-ups, Bicycles, Cross-Crunch, Butt-raises, Leg-lifts, Plank)

5:00 p.m. - Nutella smoothie ~ 500 calories
6:00 p.m. - 2 x Vanilla yogurt, Gatorade protein bar ~ 700 calories
7:30 p.m. - Bowl of frosted Mini-wheat ~ 750 calories
8:30 p.m. - Chicken Caesar Salad with vinegar dressing ~ 1,000 calories
11:30 p.m. - 15 mile run
1:00 a.m. - Cool-down; post-workout stretch
3:00 a.m. - Go to sleep

I feel like I ate way too much though because I felt extremely full for most of the evening and probably needed to skip out on one of the evening meals. Just another day in paradise.

The Spartan Workout

2009-11-08T10:58:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 at 8:47pm

So today marks the first day of the 'next step' in my training. I am very happy with the conditioning of my body and my level of fitness, but I want to try and improve on some strength and toning.

Day 1: 10 mile run
Elevated push-up x 30
One-arm DB Squat x 30
45° Lat Pull-down x 30
Jump-squat w/DB x 30
Elevated push-up x 30
Split-squat Jump x 30
Band-row Seated x 30
Shoulder-press x 30
Stationary Lunge x 30
Russian Twist x 30
6 mile run

Between the two runs I did the total 300 repetitions in 30 minutes with very little rest time...as in none.

On the second run the first three miles were some of the most painful and fatigued miles I have ever run in my life. Fortunately, my conditioning kicked in (read: endorphins) for the last three miles and that part was much easier.

Sigh...Day 1 complete. 179 days to go. Stay tuned.

Pain.

Saint Crispin's Day...This Day

2009-11-08T10:55:00.000-05:00

Wednesday, September 3, 2008 at 8:49pm

The speech delivered by Henry V of England before the Battle of Agincourt in William Shakespeare's Henry V; Act IV, Scene 3:

"This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day"

Henry V:-

The random thoughts of a man inspired by the above words and several interviews with veterans from the Second World War. This Day:

They say we've come upon the end of days;
That all we've known and bled and fought for,
Shall wither and die before the coming storm.
Often I have wished that the burden of our times,
Had passed to another; for were I a better man,
I would not despair at the loss of all I cherish.
And yet the task has fallen to us my brothers; for on this day...
On this day of days, we shall stand against the tide.
We will hold the line and cry out: No more!
For though we dare not hold the hope of victory for ourselves;
Our deeds will light us down into the annals of eternity.
The wind itself will bear the tale to all the corners of the world;
And like a fire given life shall the lips of thousands pass;
The story of the choice we made here this day.
Until rekindled will the dream of yesteryear be;
And the shadows' veil be lifted from their eyes.
Remember well these words: Take heart! For sacrifice,
Though heavily undertaken, is neither vain nor folly my brothers.
Born from the ashes of this day so unremarked;
The foundation of a better tomorrow shall we lay.
We have fought together through insurmountable odds;
The bond we share can never be broken; never be corrupted.
You have followed me into darkness; you have followed me into fire;
Now follow me, my brothers, on this day...into history.

IronMan Kentucky 2008 (A Matter of Perspective)

2008-09-07T20:42:00.000-04:00

Originally written on Tuesday, September 2, 2008 at 8:40pm

When I got back to my hotel Sunday night after the race I pulled out my leather journal I picked up in Italy and started writing an entry about my experience in the 2008 IronMan Kentucky race. Here is what I wrote:

So it's just past 11 p.m. and I am resting after a very long day. I woke up at 4:45 a.m. and went through my normal pre-race routine. I took a shower, started listening to my iPod, stretched, dressed in my tri gear, ran a mental check on everything I needed, and left for the transition area.

Once there I checked to make sure my bike was secure and that the tires were still fully inflated from the overnight stay in the transition area. Satisfied with everything, I began walking towards the swim start.

A quick aside: One of the many ever-present contradictions in my life is the dichotomy between being in 'deep thought' and being in 'the zone' whenever I train or race. Sometimes it's one or the other, and sometimes it changes between the two throughout the duration.

As I walked to the swim start I thought about all the preparations I had made to get myself ready for this race. The intense training sessions twice a day for a month leading up to the race. Booking the flight and hotel nearly a year in advance. The extra days I took off from training in the two weeks leading up to the IronMan. Everything. All for this one chance. This one opportunity to put everything on the line for a chance to qualify myself for the Kona World Championship IronMan in Hawaii. I was confident. I was prepared. I was ready.

On the morning of the race the water temperature in the Ohio river was a frigid 83 degrees, far too warm for the use of a wetsuit. As I expected. Knowing that the swim leg of any triathlon had traditionally been my weakest event I spent a considerable amount of extra time building up my endurance in the water for this race. A 5,000 yard swim three times a week gave me some much-needed assistance getting ready to start the race.

As I made my way toward the dock where each athlete would jump into the Ohio river I allowed my mind to go still. The calm before the coming storm...and with that, the race began.

Jumping into the water I immediately noticed how poor the visibility was. I couldn't make out anything past two feet, including the tips of my outstretched arms. My main concern though, was the quality of the water. As the second busiest commercial waterway in the United States, the Ohio river isn't what I would really describe as...clean. Far from it. I suppose it was inevitable that I would end up swallowing some of the water throughout the course of the swim. Still, I didn't think the water would cause me any significant problems.

As opposed to the traditional 'mass start' of an IronMan in Louisville they basically line all the athletes up on the dock and allow them to jump off a few at a time. The benefit to this is that you don't have some 2,000 athletes trying to occupy the same space in the river at the same time, but on the other hand having so many athletes staggered out does cause some confusion and a lot of traffic later on as the faster athletes try to pass the slower ones who started ahead. Plus, the race clock isn't accurate for anyone except the pro athletes who start in the beginning. That, to me, is very irritating.

As I climbed out of the water at the transition area I took a moment to record the split on my watch. I swam the 2.4 mile open water river swim in 1:22:03. Out of nearly 1,000 male participants in the race, including professional athletes representing over 22 different countries, I posted the 91st best swim time. Out of 1,000. Needless to say I was very happy with my swim time and very thankful for all of the training I had put in.

Immediately after leaving the water I sprinted (I don't jog) into the transition area and put on my socks, shoes, gloves, glasses and helmet for the bike portion of the race. I didn't bother bringing different clothes to change into. After bathing myself with a quick layer of sun screen I hopped on my bike and was off peddling away. Total time spent in transition? 4:10...nice.

One quick side note. It was here that I made a small mistake. Usually, I keep a towel in my bike gear bag to dry off my feet before slipping into my socks, but I must have taken the towel out the previous night for some reason. Anyways, more on that later.

The bike portion of the race...112 miles. As if the distance was not intimidating enough, welcome to Louisville, Kentucky. Where the climbs are steep, the hills are many, and they never end. Ever. The entire length of the course save for the first and last 12 miles was nothing more than a contiguous length of rolling hills.

Revelation #1: Plan accordingly.

My bike...is amazing. I love her. Yes, my bike is a she for a number of reasons. Her name, by the way, is 'Whistler'. Not only because she is so stunningly beautiful that people can't but help to whistle when she rides by, but because of her speed. My fastest recorded speed on her actually came in today's race. It was over 50 m.p.h. On a bike. I was actually going so fast that I was drifting too close to a congested group of cyclists in front of me and I had to slow down. I've yet to come across a bike faster on a down slope. Often times you can hear the wind literally whistle through my helmet. Hence the name: Whistler. But I digress...

As I was saying. My bike is amazing...in short distance sprints or on a flat course. I use a very small crankset, which basically means that it takes more strength/power to pedal each revolution of the tire, but the maximum potential for speed is increased. Throw in an extremely hilly course and you begin to see my problem. With the steep incline it takes that much more of my energy to pedal. In the future, I will definitely take the terrain into consideration where my bike setup is concerned. Lacking that option for this race, I improvised.

I played to my strengths. The two flat segments of the course at the beginning and end I just brought down the hammer and cut loose. For the other 88 miles, I kept it in first or second gear on the uphills trying (and failing) to conserve energy, and gained as much momentum and speed as I could on the downhills. When I dismounted from my bike I checked my watch. I finished the 112 miles in 6:35:13. A few minutes slower than I was hoping, but a great time considering the hilly course. 98th position out of 1,000.

Switching out of my bike gear after dropping off Whistler and changing into my run gear took me another 8:33. Another good transition split. Before I go on to discuss the run I have to point out three things that had happened by this point, two of them very significant. The least important first. Remember how I said I didn't have a towel to dry my feet after the swim? Yeah, that's a bad thing. Wet feet create blisters. Especially after biking 112 miles. I had some amazingly painful specimens. So why is this not important? Because I have become so desensitized to that kind of pain that it's like turning off a switch for me. The blisters were causing me pain, so I stopped paying attention and ignored them.

Now, the two critical developments. First, I had an agonizing headache throughout the entire bike leg of the race. I mean constant sharp pain blazing in my skull like a sharp needle piercing the skin. It was brutal. I felt so badly during the bike portion that I was shocked to see my time when I started the run. Fortunately, during the run my headache had subsided to something more manageable that I could ignore. I can only speculate at the source of the headache, but I think it was the water I swallowed from the river. I didn't have the headache when I woke up, and the water was truly filthy. Several people I talked to after the race agreed that the water could have negatively affected me. Of course, it didn't help that I could smell the gasoline in the water for the last half-mile section of the swim.

The last, and most devastating development: bloating. I wish I was kidding. My stomach was bothering me severely by the halfway point on the bike. By that time, I had only consumed 1/2 of a Snicker's Marathon Energy Bar, and three individual servings of GU energy gels. That's about 400 calories. Those calories represented all of the food I ate the entire day of the race. 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run...on 400 calories. I lost 10 pounds.

Which leads me to explain the run. I was setting a great race pace for me by the time I started the marathon. A combined 8 hours for the swim, bike and both transitions. My goal was to run the marathon in just under 3 1/2 hours at an 8-minute pace. The first five miles of the run I finished in 40:11 which was perfect because the first few miles after the bike tend to be slower while your muscles adjust. And then it hit me...hard.

When I started the run I noticed two immediate problems. I had some pretty serious muscle cramping in my right quadriceps. I knew I would be able to run through it though because of all the experience I've had in running with and, more importantly, through, pain. The increased bloating however, I could not ignore. Not only was I unable to eat anything, but now because of all the gas buildup I was having difficulty breathing. Normally when I run I take deep, measured breaths to keep my heart rate controlled, but by the fifth mile I couldn't even take a shallow pant without having sharp pain course through my backs, chest and stomach. It's one thing to deal with muscle pain and quite another if you're unable to breath with each and every step you take.

Whereas I finished the first five miles in just over 40 minutes it took me just under two hours to finish miles six through 10. I was in bad shape. One of the most precarious moments came at the aid station near the seventh mile. Fatigued as I was with no energy I thought to take a few minutes to use the restroom. It was inside the wonderfully fragranced porter-potty that I almost blacked out. My vision blurred for a few seconds and my skin was pebbled with the chills that accompany any day with temperatures in the mid nineties...

Realizing I still had over 18 miles left to run, the degraded condition of my body and the inability to change it I realized how my position was. By the time I reached the 10th mile I tried to alternate between three minute intervals of jogging and walking. This forced march allowed me to cut down the time it was taking me to complete each mile. I wasn't concerned with the race clock or my ability to finish before the cutoff. By this point my competitive race was over. I was still in a race against time though. My body was shutting down, and it was only a matter of time before it made the decision for me.

It was around mile 13 that I saw a woman accompanied by a young boy waiting along the side of the road to cheer for the man who was racing for them. A husband to his wife, a father to his son. A son...who was paralyzed from the neck down and had no control over his motor functions. As soon as I saw him I started running. I became so angry with myself for making excuses and for allowing the pain to overcome me. All of the pain I felt throughout the entire day does not come remotely close to what that boor boy endures every second of his life. So I ran. I ran, and told myself I wasn't going to stop until I finished the race.

Four miles later and I threw up. Twice. I tried to continue after the first time, but when it happened again I lost control of my body. At the next aid station my legs gave out and I had to sit down. People kept asking if I needed help, and each time I politely replied that I was fine, and that I just needed a few minutes to rest. At this point my legs were shaking and tingled from the knees down. Without any calories for my body to burn and the sodium my body needed it was only a matter of time before my body died on me. A very short time.

So I got up and started shambling at a slow walk. I tried to shuffle along at a jog, but stopped when I realized that others were walking faster than I was jogging. With no choice left to me I decided to risk it. At the aid station near the 19th mile I grabbed some pretzel sticks and ate them. I needed the salt more than the calories and figured it was my only chance of keeping myself lucid. I threw up a third time.

Still, my body must have absorbed some of the salts because with just over six miles left I poured everything I had into one final focused effort. I ran the last 6.2 miles at a sub-nine minute pace. I finished the race in just over 13 1/2 hours and despite my poor run split ran nearly 30 minutes faster than the first IronMan I competed in with mono. With an abysmal run time of 5:39:12 I still managed to have a decent race.

Revelation #2: Preparation is key, but on the day of the race do what you can with what you have. I had great splits on the swim and bike, and would have on the run as well if not for something that was beyond my control. I didn't qualify for the Kona World Championship race in Hawaii, but I finished IronMan Kentucky in a respectable time and set a new personal best for myself. When I crossed the finish line, I felt every inch the winner I had set out to be when I set my mind on competing. I never gave up, and I never will. The letters 'D.N.F.' will never appear next to my name in a race.

Overall, I had an amazing experience. The race was tremendous fun. The course was beautiful and the city hospitable. The people I met were friendly and my life is enriched to have encountered them in my life. It's all a matter of perspective really, and I wouldn't trade my experience for anything in the world.

Taking the Next Step...Whatever it Takes

2008-09-07T20:34:00.005-04:00

Originally written on Saturday, May 31, 2008 at 10:17pm

A couple of notes before I begin: The following is a complete transcription from the digital recorder I took with me along the 100 mile Keys Ultra marathon run. Throughout the 27 hour run I managed to record an entire hour’s worth of material. For the reader’s sake and my own compulsive behavior with proper writing I’ve tried my best to clean up the grammatical errors, slang, etc.

Each paragraph below represents a separate recording from a different stage in the race. After each recording I have added my own commentary to either better explain the situation surrounding the recording or to express my thoughts and feelings about the recording after having had time to reflect on the race in its entirety.

Alright so it's 6:26 in the morning. I just finished running about the first, oh I don't know, four miles or so, give or take. I just met a couple guys named Mohammad and Alan. Very cool people. Alan just stopped by with his support crew, and [laugh], I don't see mine for another, oh I don't know, three hours. Anyways, I’m having a great time so far. My hamstrings have been bothering me for the past couple weeks, but whatever. It’s not like that’s going to stop me. We'll see how it goes. Note how my voice will change from upbeat and peppy, to giddy/ecstatic, to oh dear God why, but I'll let you know how it goes.

Okay, first reflection. I decided to run this race nearly at the last minute. I officially registered six days before race day, and had some difficulties putting together a support crew. Still, I had a plan and I knew how I expected the race to play out so I had some idea as to what I was getting myself into. It’s funny how for the first 2 ½ hours or so I was worried about the tightness in my hamstrings and by 4 hours into the race my hamstrings never bothered me again.

Alright. Now we've gone 49 and ½ minutes [6:50 a.m.] and about 30 feet back there was a real strong smell of maple syrup. So I would just like to give a big 'screw you' to whomever the hell is eating something with maple syrup at 7 in the morning. Hmm, I have no idea what mile marker I'm at. Anyways, it’s another two hours until I get my support crew. The sun's coming up. I’m still wearing my vest...which I didn't need; still holding my light...which I didn't need, and holding the water bottle...which...I need, but wish I didn't have to hold.

Nearly an hour into the race and I was still feeling very fresh and excited about participating in such an amazing feat. According to my whole plan when I first started toying with the idea of running marathons and the rest I never dreamed of running one-hundred miles consecutively. It’s still shocking for me to think that in less than sixteen months I progressed from not being able to finish 26.2 miles in Gainesville in February 2007 to finishing male runner-up in a 100 mile race from Key Largo to Key West in May 2008.

So it's about one hour and fifteen minutes into the race [7:15 a.m.], and I just spent the last half hour or so running with the same woman who is part of the 'Heat Strokes' team. She just tagged off to her partner who's leaving me in the dust. Eh, I'm debating on picking up my pace to keep up wit her, but my pride...well no my pride is that big but, we'll see. Other than that I’m feeling pretty good. I’ve got a nice pace going and the weather is beautiful. An hour...no...a little under two hours before I see my support crew and God will I be happy to see them. I just kind of want to talk...so I guess I will: For a little while, anyways. Although, I don't know what I want to talk about, which is kind of odd. Do you ever get that feeling that you want to just talk with someone? Well, I get that all the time. Fortunately, I can always talk to myself. There will be plenty of that later however. I'll save my delusional ranting for you until then.

Something I absolutely love to do when I travel or race is meet new people. I have met some very incredible and unique individuals throughout my brief racing career. This race was no exception. From Bob and Jared, the two race directors, to Jimmy, Peter, Dante and Alan who include some of the racers and support crew I met during the race, it was an absolute pleasure having the opportunity to interact with each and every one of them. On another note, in hindsight I am really glad I decided to take a digital recorder with me to the race. Not only can I use it to learn from my experiences throughout the race to better prepare me for the future, but now I will always have another way of remembering my experiences that day.

Alright, one hour and forty minutes in, so it's almost 8 a.m. I’m taking it nice and slow and feeling pretty good. I was pacing with another one of the groups, a runner from the Marathon High relay team. Unfortunately she wasn’t very talkative as she was putting a lot of effort into maintaining her pace Hmm, need…to go…to the bathroom. Not…a good…thing. Well, I’m sure I’ll find something coming up in a little while; sooner or later. A little over one hour before my support group gets here and I cannot wait to take off this reflective vest which I haven’t needed since about three seconds into the race and the flashlight which I didn’t need at all, and all that good stuff. Oh and I really could use, oh, I don’t know something like…Gatorade. Yeah…I remember what that tasted like. That would be nice: Gatorade. Drinking the Pedialyte is not going to be fun but I think I will need it a little earlier than I thought if this heat continues to pick up. Other than that it’s been pretty boring so far. I mean, not boring in a bad way, boring in a good way. As in, no sprained bones, no getting hit by a car, you know, the bad stuff that might happen. Anyways, I’ll let you know when I find my miracle bathroom.

The first 2 ½ hours of the race were pretty interesting. I was the only runner out there by myself. I had no support crew and it was pretty amusing to me running with a reflector vest and a flashlight in my hand with the morning sun clearly above the horizon. I know a few runners thought I was either insane to be running the race completely solo or just stupid to have my support crew there and not link up with them. Neither was the case, of course, but they couldn’t know that. I did regret not having someone there from the beginning though. The extra fluids and electrolytes early on definitely would have helped over the course of the day.

Alright so now it’s about 8:20 a.m. My dad just came by about 2-3 minutes ago and lightened my burden. I dropped off my flashlight, the extra sun block, the light jacket and a few other items It was really nice and definitely appreciated. It’s funny because I stopped to use the bathroom at a gas station, and I drank an entire Arizona Herbal iced tea. I just didn’t want the Gatorade yet. And the tea was nice with a little bit of sugar. I like the taste. It was alright. It was stress relief. Come on…it doesn’t get any better than that. The tea coupled with less weight to carry, in more than one way, definitely gave me my first adrenaline boost of the day. I’m very appreciative of that; thank you adrenaline. Other than that I saw a lot of runners go by as I used the restroom and now I’m just enjoying the breeze. It’s still very nice weather; obviously no where near the heat of the day yet. Maybe we’ll get to see a little bit of that around noon. Hopefully it won’t be too bad. I’ll keep you updated. It looks like I may have found my race pacer since I don’t have one with me. I think I found one in this runner, who’s about seven meters in front of me so I have to talk low. His name is Mohammad; from North Carolina. Seems like a nice guy. A little quiet, but I don’t really care about that. I just care about running next to him.

A lot of running is mental. Actually I think I need to be more specific. A lot of distance running is mental. I can hop on a track and run a 5-minute mile but then it’s over and done with. It’s all the physical condition my body is in. Of course, there is a lot of mental preparation involved prior to the run, but it’s over in the blink of an eye. With distance running you have all the time in the world to just think. I find it very interesting that I can spend two or three hours running without a single thought crossing my mind and at the same time I can run for that same amount of time and my mind is racing faster than my body is. It all depends. It has to do with distraction. If I have someone running next to me I can literally run on autopilot and stop thinking completely about my surroundings, pace, pain, etc. It all fades away because someone else is focusing on all of that for me. That’s why racers are allowed pacers in these kinds of events. Aside from a brief 15 mile interlude between miles 35 and 50 I didn’t have that luxury.

So I’m just reaching the apex of my first bridge, and the water is gorgeous,. Such a beautiful breeze. I don’t know it’s just amazing, it’s a beautiful view. The water looks so freaking inviting. I just hope the weather stays like this. I mean it is absolutely stunning, but it’s about 8:30 right now; in the morning. [amused laugh] So, I should be seeing my support crew again in the next half hour or so. Hopefully won’t be seeing my next bridge for the next ten hours or so, but I know that’s not true.

The only comment I’ll make here is that the weather did indeed become brutal. For several hours of the day I was running in 95 degree heat, and that’s not including the humidity factor. Counting that, the heat was well above 100 degrees out there. The only reprieve from that was the breeze that came in from the water. The numerous bridges were a catch-22. On the one hand they could have steep inclines and I couldn’t stop on them to receive aid from my support crew, but on the other the breeze definitely made the run more bearable at times.

On my second Bridge. The water is still beautiful even though the sun’s coming up. I’m feeling good but I’m definitely tired. My legs, you know. I can’t imagine why though. I should be seeing my support crew up here at the end of the bridge. They should be, but, I’ll have to find them. I’m three hours in so it’s about 9:00 a.m. and about 18 miles done. So we’ll see how it goes from here.

At this point I made my first mistake. I should have consumed my first calories of the day here, but I was worried about upsetting my stomach early on and put it off for a while. For approximately two weeks before the race I was trying to gain some extra weight to have as a reserve for the race. My average weight on a week to week basis hovers around 188 lbs. Every morning when I wake up I get on my scale to see where I’m at. I’m not trying to gain or lose weight per se, but I am trying to monitor it to see if my training and diet are regulated correctly. Depending on my workouts in a given day my body weight can swing five pounds easily. The day before the race I weighed myself at 192 lbs. That meant I was carrying an extra four pounds of stored energy and I’m very glad I did.

I just passed the 20 mile marker at 3 ½ hours so it is 9:30 a.m. Starting at mile 12 I had my support crew come visit me, and it’s going to be the 4th pit stop at mile 21. So that’s four stops in nine miles. That’s not too bad. That’s pretty good actually. The weather’s still amazing with a good breeze. I’m feeling amazing; except for my legs…again. They’re a little tight, a little sore. I really shouldn’t have gone running those six miles at sub-6:30 pace at Nike town on Tuesday. I mean, it was a good idea at the time. I did run sub 6:30 pace and prove that I was still an Alfa male. You know, like I said earlier my pride really is that big, but I don’t know if it’s still such a good idea today. I’ll let you know in another sixty miles. Let’s see…anything else. I’ve been drinking a lot, and I’m a little worried because I’m not feeling bloated but I am feeling full. I’ve still got that God-darn cotton mouth feeling like I did during the 50 mile run. I think I’m going to start swishing out water and not swallowing it just to start moistening my throat and mouth. Hmm, I didn’t eat. I forgot to eat at the last pit stop. I need to get a banana at the first checkpoint at mile 25. I may have my first bag of trail mix, I think. We’ll see how my stomach’s feeling.

They say that pride goes before a fall. My pride in my running is a matter of perspective. I see it as an unwavering confidence that I can achieve any goal I set myself to. Others, including many of my friends and family, see it as a form of hubris. The only difference between pride and hubris is whether or not the expression is internalized or visibly discernible to others. My pride in myself and my abilities are tightly held within me, in the deepest corners of my heart and mind. Yet the deeds I perform based on that pride are visible to all and are therefore judged by others according to their standards and points of view. I will not waste my time defending myself or my actions, especially after the fact. If a man tells you he will do the impossible then that man is obviously crazy. If that man performs the impossible then that man is a pioneer, a genius, a hero. How fickle our beliefs are. My actions speak louder than any words I could say or write.

I’m on my fifth bridge; I think. I lost count but it doesn’t really matter. I just wanted to throw a big shout out to the relay team ‘Keys of Asylum’ for offering me something to drink. I didn’t really need it but, it was very nice of them to offer anyways. I’ve got about four miles to the first checkpoint. I kept forgetting to eat something so I had a little piece of my emergency bar; with no water to wash it down of course. So that wasn’t too good but at the same time I’m al little over filled with liquid right now. So I need to make sure I monitor that and be careful with it. Everything else is going great. The one thing I might need to do is reapply my sunscreen around mile 35. This spf 60 stuff is great, but I’m sure it’s going to wear off by then. Let’s see what time is it; about 10:00 a.m. So, doing well. I think.

One of the things I was very worried about throughout the race was sun exposure and over heating. 18 months ago I looked like Caspar the friendly ghost. Now I have a permanent tan and have to be careful my sun-darkened skin doesn’t absorb too much heat. Fortunately, the only aspect of the race that went exactly according to plan was that the sunscreen I applied before the race and again in the middle of the day kept me completely protected from sunburn. Everywhere except for the top of my head at least. I wore a visor throughout the day to provide shade for my face but to keep the top of my head exposed. This way I could avoid the heat becoming trapped in a hat and continuously cool off by pouring water over the top of the visor. It pretty much worked. The only problem was apparently a pretty bad sunburn on the top of my head, which is something I had not thought of.

So I’m tired as hell. I finally got some food in me which is good. Half of a Snicker’s marathon bar. I don’t really like peanut butter but, you know, sometimes you have to eat stuff, and I also had a banana which is good. Poured some water over my head; drank a little bit of water; drank a little bit of Gatorade; so I’m feeling okay. Just have to make sure I take it easy for my stomach now. Yeah, other than the heat though its just a matter of time. So as long as I can make it to 5pm I should be straight I think. That being said, I [extended pause] really hate negativity and let’s just leave it at that. But yeah so anyways everything is going really well and I’m thinking once I reach the checkpoint I’ll probably take a five minute break there just to stretch out my muscles and make sure I’m not getting cramped up in this heat. Then I really need to find someone to run with; that’s my biggest concern now. If I have a pacer it’s just so much easier running, or even walking next to someone else. I mean if you’re running by yourself the task is a lot more daunting; you notice a lot more. I should be coming up on the checkpoint in a little bit. It is currently 10:30 a.m. so 4 ½ hours in. This is about when I wanted to reach the checkpoint. I’m about a half-mile away. Not too bad. I want to make it to mile 50 by 10 ½ hours. So I technically have 6 hours from now. I think I should make it. So that should be about 4:30 p.m. By that point I’ll have faced the hardest part of the day, the brunt of the day. Oh, there’s a runner; hello. I’m going to go tag along. So yeah 4:30 p.m. is my goal for the 50 mile.

I don’t really expect most people to understand some of the things I say or do. How could they? I don’t hold their views against them, but is it really so difficult to ask for the same kindness in return? I don’t want to live an ordinary life. I don’t want to live a safe life. I want to live on the edge. I want to do the impossible. “What people call impossible, is just stuff they haven’t seen yet.” – Robin Williams. Well, open your eyes and see. I will succeed, and if for some reason I should fall before the end I will have laid the foundations for those who follow after me. So lend a hand or get out of my way. I have no room for negativity in my life.

Checked in at mile 25, the first checkpoint; 4 hours and 51 minutes. It’s a little after 11:05 a.m. right now. I’m making my way to the next checkpoint. That will be mile marker 50, or something like that., and that will be 50 miles done. After that, the real start the race starts. I mean it really is just a 50 mile warm up; a very long, arduous, hot, painful 50 mile warm-up. I poured almost entire bottle of water into or onto me so that was really great. I’m feeling refreshed; feeling good. Had a watermelon slice, which was phenomenal. I guess I need to start using watermelon slices in my long runs. I mean it’s so bland and, and lightly sweet; it’s just great. My hamstrings and calves are killing me, so it definitely was not a good idea to have done all that running earlier in the week. There’s no point in complaining about it now. I just have to take the next step. Put one foot in front of the other. Right now I’m using a 6/2 minute interval.. Run six minutes; walk two minutes. Hopefully that’ll help me get through this hottest part of the day, and then when the sun goes down I can start picking it up again.

I knew this race was all about the second half. I had run 50 miles with a sprained foot and torn ligaments two months prior and had no doubts about making it that far. My real concern was that I had no idea what condition my body would be in for the last 50 miles. The watermelon was really a pleasant surprise. For some reason I had never thought to use it as part of my race food. It is packed with water, has some natural sugars and is easily digested by the body; a great discovery. As for the pain in my legs I failed to mention that I went out at night with friends that entire week. For some strange reason I decided to go out every night of the week to see if it was worth it to go out certain nights. It’s not. The experience was not a waste, because I had fun every night I went out. It just wasn’t worth it to me. I don’t really like to go out at night and stay up to daybreak any more. I’m a different animal now. Plus, I’m sure I can justify the sleep deprivation as part of my training to run 27 hours straight. ;)

Alright I’ve run 29 miles, and I’m at mile marker 72. I just experienced my second acid reflux. This time it was…[pondering the taste]banana and watermelon. That’s much better tasting than the first time, which was roast beef and potato rolls from last night. So I’m bloated, which is really bad. At least I’m not menstruating. Still, with the bloating I don’t know if Id be able to absorb any calories if I tried. I hope it goes away because otherwise I’m screwed! The good news is, the calories I did take in helped to get rid of all the discomfort in my calves and hamstrings. So it’s six up and half-dozen down I guess. I’ve got a pit stop coming up. I’ll try to get some water all over me just to keep myself cool. I don’t know about drinking that much though I don’t think I can. There’s a very ominous looking bridge ahead. It looks disgustingly high, and this will be like the 426th bridge I’ve crossed. Not looking forward to it.

I can only imagine how much more difficult it must be for women to do these kinds of activities at certain times. It’s very impressive, to say the least. I was pretty comfortable around this point. 30 miles is long enough that my body has adjusted itself to do what I need it to but not long enough that I’m actually putting a real strain on it. I’m not trying to boast here. In my honest opinion the day-to-day rigors of training and commitment usually far outweigh the demands of an actual race. That’s how I felt during the IronMan. Yes, it was 140.6 miles of swimming, biking and running. Yes, it took me almost 14 hours to complete. Compare that mileage and time to the countless hundreds of miles and hours of training I put in to reach that level of fitness. So it is with my running. I know my body extremely well and trust it implicitly.

Six hours and twenty-three minutes in [12:23 p.m.]; mile marker 68. I’m tired as hell; it’s hot as hell. I’ve got blisters on my toes; cramps in my body. At least I’m not sunburned, which is a good thing. I definitely used enough sunscreen, and just reapplied it. So that’s been good. The bloating is tolerable. Not too bad. Nothing I can’t handle. I’ve got a pit stop every two miles until this cursed sun goes down. Next one I’m going to have to pop this blister; see if I can get something around it. And, unfortunately all I’ve been drinking is some nasty, well, it was delicious in the beginning but all I’ve been drinking is purple rain Gatorade; which I love but you have enough bottles of it and you start to get sick of anything. Im desperately craving some Pedialyte, Acai juice, or some other Gatorade. Hmm, thought there was something else. Well, whatever. I might, I even want a flat sprite; ice cold, but flat with no carbonation. That would be amazing right now. Anyways so I’ve got all that coming in about four hours. Hah! Hopefully I can take care of that blister. Hopefully the sun will go down soon, which it won’t, but you know, whatever. I’ve got to hold off and see if I can get through to the halfway point coming up in…oh there’s mile marker…69. Thought it was 68. Whatever; so about…19 miles…left to the checkpoint, and after that my brother should be coming up soon. Then he can give me the Camelbak with all the good stuff leading up to the seven mile bridge.

At this point in the race the sun was blazing overhead; 95 degrees plus the humidity with no shade whatsoever and the hot pavement acting as a furnace. Really the only complaint I had at this point was that I was sick of purple rain Gatorade. When planning for my support crew I really was scrambling at the last minute. My brother and I had gone shopping for everything I thought I needed, which was good because I ended up needing it. While my dad was helping for part of the first half of the race all he and my mom had packed was water and that one flavor of Gatorade for drinks. I was also really starting to feel the heat of the day. You can look at some of the pictures from the race and you’ll notice how completely dry I look. I lost count of how many bottles of water I literally upended over my head. It was so hot that any and all liquid evaporated within minutes.

Leyton…I thought this place smelled bad…on the outside! Uh…oh…at least they have a food store. I’m really hoping they have an ice cold Sprite that I can de-carbonate and drink; or some more of that herbal stress tea. Or anything that’s cold…so long as it’s not water, or purple rain Gatorade.

I didn’t really go into too many crazy movie tangents or random stories during the race, which surprised me. I usually let my imagination run wild during these events. For those of you who don’t catch the quip it is a line Harrison Ford uses in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. As I was entering the town of Leyton I don’t know where it was coming from but there was a potent smell and it definitely wasn’t pleasant. Oh! Also when I entered Leyton there was this middle-aged man just sitting in a chair under some shade and he called out to me to run faster…seriously! I told him he should switch places with me and he can run the last 65-odd miles for me. That wiped the grin off his face.

I found a Sprite! Obviously didn’t wait until it de-carbonated and I just finished the bottle in about five seconds. It’s about 12:41 p.m. now. I figure I’ll walk another five minutes or so to try and get rid of the carbonation bubbles. Hopefully at the next pit stop I’ll get a little water, and then head down to the next bridge.

I never drink soda in my daily diet any more. I usually never drink soda when training or racing. That said, when the temperature is extremely hot or I can tell that my blood sugar is a little low (or both) I’ll try and drink some very cold Sprite, preferably flat if I can get it. The high concentration of sugar sends a jolt to my body and it usually helps to get me back into things for a bit.

Okay I know I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in a while. It is currently 8 hours in, which means…8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 1, 2. It’s 2p.m. in the afternoon. The sun is broiling…I don’t really care. And I told you this is the giddy/ecstatic phase because I found my pacer. Now before anyone starts making…I’m getting closer so I have to be quiet. Before anyone starts making any Brokeback Mountain gay cowboy jokes, let me explain. Yes, it’s a guy; obviously. There are very few women running this race. Anyways, his name is Dante and he’s a great guy. I know, I know. Still, he’s a great phenomenal guy. He’s running a little bit slower than I do, but you know what? It’s just been a distraction talking to him, finding out about his life; sharing my life, the whole thing. He’s a teacher in Ft. Myers believe it or not. He’s been running for a while. So anyways, we’ve just finished running a two mile bridge in the middle of this dead heat. I figure it’s about another 14 miles to go before we get to the half way point. So I’ll check in later.

For those who don’t get the monologue I am basically pretending to defend myself from the inevitable jokes from some of my friends and others who thought it very funny regarding the circumstances of my 50 mile Ultramarathon in Brooksville. After spraining my ankle around mile 5 I spent the rest of the race running with this guy who basically became my race partner. Throughout the race we helped each other get through the toughest parts of the race and we shared a lot of personal information about our lives to each other. I took a lot of heat for it with my friends, making some crude jokes, etc. That’s basically what this was about. Also, at this point I was really happy because finding someone to run the race with was very important to me and I honestly started enjoying the race more having someone to share the experience with and talk to.

Okay so I’m still running with Dante. The poor guy is like…swaying. He’s definitely suffering from heat exposure. I don’t know if he’s going to make it; no matter what though I’m going to stick with him. Let’s see I’m at mile marker 62. So I’m going to try and stick with him for the next 12 miles and when my brother comes by I’m going to switch on the Camelbak, run that freaking insane 7 mile bridge, and then take off on my own pace, By then the heat should be gone, the sun should be down, or down enough, and I can get ready for the last 40 miles of the race. What else…oh I just went to the bathroom next to a concrete pillar and I honestly think that my urine melted the concrete. That’s how acidic and how powerful my urine is…so just back up, alright? Watch out. Seriously; like not playing. Anyways…moving on from the psychotic ramblings and ranting, it’s still a gorgeous day. Honestly, the wind is a blessing I don’t care what anyone says about it slowing you down and the headwinds, etc. Itt’s cold. That’s all that matters. Or cool, rather. Speaking of cold I could use a cold drink but I’ve got to wait a mile or so. Next year if I end up doing this race again I’m definitely going to try and get a support crew to run with me. Dante’s support crew was assigned to him from the race directors and he has a couple of volunteers that are phenomenal: Jim and Peter. That’s the problem when you sign up for the race so late, but thanks to my dad and my brother at least everything’s been going pretty well with that.

This was by far the easiest part of the race. Having someone to run next to and talk with made the hottest part of the day into something that I could easily manage. The only things I really had to worry about were maintaining good levels of hydration and staying cool under the blistering sun.

It’s currently 2:15p.m., which means I’ve been running for eight hours and 15 minutes and I’m still feeling good. My legs are hurting but the endorphins have sort of taken over. So it’s more like the awareness of pain but you don’t actually have the sensation of pain. Aside from that, I don’t think there are any more surprises like…extremely long bridges or anything until the halfway point which is at mile marker 50…in 12 miles. I’ll see my dad at the end of this bridge with some cool drinks at mile marker 61. Hmm, I’m hot. Let’s see, I think that’s everything. Tired…yeah I’m tired. I’m hungry…but not really, because my body knows that it’s running and that I have to run, and because of that plus the fact that I’m still extremely bloated, means that I don’t really want to eat even though I do want to eat. Oh! I’ve got this huge blister on my left toe; the pinky toe. Huge; as in I can feel it there in my shoe. It’s just gushy, really gushy. It hasn’t popped, but…oh got to start running and catch up to Dante. He’s done with his crew, but…oh yeah that’d be great actually! Thank you. Watermelon is the greatest discovery of this trip, by far. Let me just grab one more. Thank you so much. I’m chewing watermelon while I talk so just bare with me; yummy, yummy, yummy….delish. It’s like…watery…and sweet; and chewy. There’s a word…there’s a word I’m looking for. I don’t know what it is. It would describe this perfectly. Oh! Good. There it is. Good. It’s good. Alright…I have to go, I’ll talk to you later.

This was probably the hottest part of the day. My body was doing well, considering. I was still decently hydrated, but no matter how much I tried to stay cool any water I poured over my head or onto my clothes evaporated within three to five minutes. I can’t overstate just how hot the weather was throughout the day. I also think that I made another critical error here. I needed more fuel. Between two and four-thirty in the afternoon I barely had anything to eat besides a few slices of watermelon and cantaloupe. Especially considering this was the hottest part of the day I should have had something more. Yet at the same time I was bloated throughout much of the race and it was always delicate balancing just how much I could consume at a given time. After all, this was really an experiment for me. More than anything else I’ve gained considerable knowledge on just how far my body can go with limited amounts of liquids and calories.

I haven’t seen my support crew in five miles. I’m dehydrated, depleted, cramped. I have no energy; nothing. When I ask to see if I can get a pit stop to get something to drink and eat, the response from the man is he’ll get lost looking for me, but I should find him soon. Anyways, just wanted to vent a little bit of my frustration, and make sure I got that down. Everything was great up until I’m running in this 95 degree weather with no water, no electrolytes, no food. I haven’t had a calorie in, oh I don’t know, two hours maybe; maybe three I’m at mile marker 55-ish. Which is great….just great So…at least my brother’s on his way. He should be here soon, and then I can get all the goodies that I bought and all the good stuff. We’ll have to just wait and see what happens.

This was definitely one of the biggest problems of the race for me. There was a good stretch of the course that was on a trail just off of US-1, and unfortunately my support crew ran into some trouble finding me. Not only did this happen during one of the hottest parts of the day, but the trail itself acted as a conduit for the heat. It was stifling. Within the space of a few miles I had gone from a comfortable pace and a positive feeling to a complete physical and mental breakdown. This was especially concerning for me as I had not even reached the halfway point yet.

Well, look at that; he found me. So, anyways, basically all I have to do now is get rid of thse muscle cramps, get rehydrated, get all of this…fun stuff…taken care of, and try to get myself back into this race. I would just like to thank Dante, and his support crew, Jimmy and Peter, because without them I probably would have been forced to drop out of the race by now; just throwing that out there. So…big…big shout out to them and let them know that I really appreciate them for everything they did. I can’t run; my legs are completely shot. I’m at mile marker 54…and 1/2…ish, maybe 55. Give or take. Uh, I can’t…I can’t run, at all. My legs are completely shot. There’s no strength in them whatsoever. I have no calories to burn, and I’m in desperate need of some electrolytes. There’s very little water in me to help with hydration and circulation, and there’s no water on me to help cool me down.

The transcription pretty much says it all. I was in very bad shape at this point in the race and am extremely grateful beyond words for the help Dante and his support crew gave me during this stretch. I could barely walk in a straight line and was feeling pretty light headed here. I remember starting to feel the effects of the heat and feeling somewhat helpless in the situation.

Okay, I was really over-heated but I just poured a half bottle of water over my body so it’s a little bit better. Of course, the water has already evaporated. Had some water melon slices thanks to Jimmy and Peter, and I took some Endurolytes. I can’t take care of the calories until my brother gets here but hopefully…but I mean I’m feeling better at least; the upper half of my body anyways. Hopefully he’ll be here soon because I’ve still got, oh you know, 54 miles to run and I’ve…this is where I wanted to be at. I’m sorry it’s 4:30 p.m.…and it’s 10 ½ hours into the race. This is when I wanted to be at the 50 mile check-in and I’m not. (inhale) so I’m four miles short of that. (exhale) four and a half maybe five whatever it is. So it looks like it’s going to be a long night.

Before I started the race I had mapped out checkpoints for myself. I always set a number of goals for myself and try to stick by them as best I can. These goals are multi-leveled beginning with the basic outline of what it is I am trying to do and I build from there. For instance, for this race my basic goal was to finish. There was a 30 hour cutoff for the Keys 100 Ultra, so my basic goal was to finish in 29 hours 59 minutes and 59 seconds. Then I set myself a personal or target goal. The first Ultra marathon I ever read about was the Western States 100. I remember thinking about trying to do something on such a grand scale in under 24 hours. That was my personal goal. I wanted to finish the race in less than 24 hours, which didn’t happen. I understand every course and every race is different, but I still like to set an actual time goal for myself. I remember racing in an open water sprint triathlon and looking at the race clock as I came out of the ocean. My time was significantly slower than I expected considering the condition I was in. Despite posting a good time on the bike split and a great run time I felt that the race had gone poorly for me. Of course, I forgot to take into account how those same conditions that affected me would also affect the other athletes. I ended up winning my division. That race taught me to continue setting high expectations for myself, but to be flexible with the course. I’ve run races in blistering heat and frigid cold, with clear skies and pouring rain. Each race is different, and each athlete faces the same difficulties you do. It’s just a matter of how you choose to face those adverse conditions.

Welcome to the rebirth. I just had about three and a half spoonfuls of Nutella: an extremely fattening but oh so good source of energy, and a pediatric drink for babies. I’m back. Let’s get to it.

This was recorded right after my brother found me. I was very happy to see him. Before the Keys 100 the longest run I had ever been on was a 50 mile trail run in Brooksville, Florida. The weather that day was absolutely perfect. I ended up tearing two of the ligaments in my left foot on mile 5 and finished the last 45 miles with a lot of pain and severely overcompensating with my right leg. Going into the 100 miler I knew I would be able to finish 50 miles, and I knew that my brother couldn’t support me for the entire race by himself. My plan was to have him and all of the goods we had purchased available to me for the latter half of the race, and I’m glad he was. After seeing him, I quickly regained a lot of my swagger and confidence. (Not to mention the energy and calories that I needed!)

I just got out of the first pit stop with my brother, and I’m flying. I’m running about a 10- minute pace right now. I’m on set. I’m about an hour behind schedule, and two miles behind schedule, but I should be able to make it back to where I want to be. I caught back up to Dante for a minute before I saw Mike and had to stop again. I lanced this huge blister on my left pinky toe. I mean it was twice the size of my toe. I tried to dry it off as much as I could ,but Mike’s going to pick up some foot powder for me. I grabbed a new pair of socks. I feel nice and fluffy. I re-laced my shoes, downed an Accelerade and got a bottle of water here for the heat. The only real problem is…because of…things…I previously mentioned…I had to down that Nutella and Pedialyte earlier than I expected. I’ve got huge gas bubbles in the back of my chest and lungs. (burp)So I don’t know if you heard that but there was one of those bubbles. Anyways, that’s going to take me back a bit whenever it decides to mess with my digestive system, but hopefully I’ll be able to get past the halfway point (burp) there was another one…in time to catch up with my pacer. Then it’s on to the seven mile bridge. The cramps are gone, I’m alert. And I’m ready to go.

In hindsight I think the jar of Nutella I consumed during the race was my salvation. My body has never reacted well to any gels, such as Gu, Accel gel, Clif or Power Gel. I’ve always preferred consuming real food while cycling, but it’s a little different when trying to eat on the run. My attempt to have some trail mix ended badly, but the bananas and watermelon worked pretty well. Within the space of 15 minutes my entire situation had reversed. I was exhausted and defeated, and then just like that it was as if I had been reborn with a new sense of vitality and purpose. The race was not half-way over…it was just about to begin.

So why they would put the check in on the other side of the street going in the wrong direction makes no sense to me. You know…so I…well, actually it does make sense to me. It’s because someone WANTED me to run an extra two and-a-half miles. So I’m not running 100 miles. I’m running closer to 103 miles. So yeah it’s great. Of course when I get to the check in I don’t even know it. No one is there and I don’t see it. Thankfully, one of the support crews pulled me over and was just like ‘Hey you missed the check in’. I thought they were pulling a joke on me! No. I KNEW they were playing a joke on me. No one would be that cruel. Apparently the people at the check-in didn’t see me across the street, but you know they’ve had a hard day. They’ve…they’ve been sitting for hours. I can’t personally off the top of my head think of anything that might be more difficult than SITTING for five or six hours; nothing at all. No…there’s no bitterness, there’s no bitterness; none at all. (Bitter tone) No, it just means I’m running four marathons as opposed to 100 miles. (Sigh) Close enough.

I was admittedly a little frustrated here. Shortly after my recovery from the lack of water and supplies I was feeling great and just like that my situation was reversed again. It was definitely an emotional roller coaster. Imagine having run 52 miles and having to turn around to run another couple of miles in the wrong direction. It was psychologically devastating to me. Not only that, but two runners I had passed after my recovery crossed me again as I was running in the wrong direction. It was definitely hard on me. Thank God that gentleman was kind enough to flag me down and let me know. I honestly don’t know what would have happened had I run an extra four miles to the seven mile bridge and only then realizing I had missed the halfway checkpoint. The problem was that I was completely focused on taking that next step. The rest of the world was oblivious to me, and I didn’t even think to stop or look across the street to check for the waypoint. Well, all is well that ends well, but I definitely was not in the same frame of mind when I experienced it.

I’m finally on…the seven mile bridge. It’s 7:10p.m. I won’t be seeing anyone from my support crew, which is my brother, for the next two hours or so. After that there’ll be 40 miles left in the race. I’m feeling great other than the fact that my legs are destroyed; absolutely, and completely. They wouldn’t be like that had it not been for that five mile breakdown with my supplies earlier. There’s nothing I can do about that now so I’m going to try and take this seven mile bridge as easily as possible. I’ve got a change of clothes waiting for me on the other side for my night gear, and after that it’ll just be a matter of time (sigh) I’m going to finish. No doubt about that. It’s just a matter of how long it takes me to get in there. So…my whole plan of doing a sub-24 hour run my first time is not going to happen. Probably because of the fact that I ran the first 12 miles without support and I ran five miles in the middle of the heat without water or anything and I ran an extra two and a half miles to go back to the checkpoint that put someone who I was about to pass at least 25 minutes ahead of me. Despite that, technically, it looks like I’m in 8th place. Not too bad a showing. Could have been 6th or 5th, but whatever, I don’t really care about the placing. I just care about finishing. And that’s what I’m going to do.

As I made my approach to the seven mile bridge I was feeling slightly fatigued. I realized that I only had 47 miles left. I’m just sitting here and thinking about that: only 47 miles left. Running 47 miles would be a significant enough accomplishment on its own and I had already run more than that throughout the day. At the start of the bridge, despite how tired I felt I was confident that it was only a matter of time before I finished. I had no idea how much the next seven miles would test the depths of my commitment and just how far I was willing to go in order to achieve my goals.

So, let’s see, I’ve got another 3 minutes and 15 seconds of relax time. I might as well use them to talk. Well, the good thing is is that unlike before with the 5 mile stretch I’m definitely prepared for these next 7 miles without support. I’ve got a Camelbak filled with two liters of ice water, and my walkie talkie to have a chat with my brother whenever I get done with this in case I get bored. I took another hit of Pedialyte and Nutella right before I loaded up for the bridge. I need, I need the calories and even though I’m bloated I just need the calories. I’ve also got my headlamp on, got my night vest on…this time I will need it because the sun is setting in about half an hour. And that’s about it I’m just, I’m just…I’m having a great time. I’m just…tired, just tired. Looking forward to being done. So that way I can take a nice hot shower. Or…forget the shower; a nice hot bath. Yeah, a nice hot bath would be nice. I’m going get a massage…I’m going to have a masseuse come to my house. Oh yeah. Yeah. Definitely; that’ll be Monday. After work. If I go to work. I’m not even sure if I’m going to go into work on Monday. I really should. Eh…we’ll see. Depends how I feel. The real problem is that it’s not like I can at least go to sleep. The minute I’m done with the race I’m back in the car and we’re driving back to Miami for my Grandmother’s 80th birthday. It’s a surprise party for her, and I’m not allowed to miss it. Nor would I want to. (Sigh) Technically this whole race is dedicated to her anyways

It’s a good thing my brother and I prepared as much as we did for the last half of the race. Everything came in handy, but nothing more so than the walkie talkies. We were virtually in constant communication with one another, and that was an invaluable resource. My mind was definitely wandering at this point looking for distractions. I may as well talk about this now since I brought it up in the recording. One of the problems that arose when I was considering whether or not to run the race was that there was a scheduling conflict with my grandmother’s 80th birthday party. My mother in particular had been planning it for months and there was a serious concern that if I ran in the race I would not be able to make it to the party. As if I would let that happen. I made her a promise that no matter what happened nothing was going to keep me from making it to the party, and if there is one thing I will always do is keep my promises.

Wait, wait wait; no I’ve got a minute and twenty seconds and I’m not going to splurge. Or, rather I’m not going to cut myself short and I am going to splurge. Let’s see, what else can I say. There’s still a nice breeze. Aside from that, earlier today around 2p.m. is when it became a broiling blistering heat, but that’s also because we were running on that trail I mentioned earlier. It was just like a furnace in Hell that just ensconced all the heat and amplified it. It wasn’t pretty. Okay…(exhale)thirty seconds. Well…I’m probably not going to be on here again for a while, just because I’m not sure if there’s really anything else to say until I get close to the end of the bridge. There’s one more check in, but that’s in…when is it, 15, no 22 miles from now. Fun stuff; and that’s the last check in before the finish. So…you’ll definitely here from me then. Time’s up. Gotta go.

Basically what I was referring to with the amount of time left was a five minute break I gave myself at the beginning of the bridge to walk a bit and stretch out my legs before I started running the length of the entire bridge. There was a particularly steep incline at one point that I could see from the beginning that I was not looking forward to running over.

Alright now this is a secret so you really, really can’t tell anyone. It’s 7:35p.m. I just took…the most AMAZING piss…in the middle of the Key Biscayne…no no no, Key West Bridge, thank you very much (sigh of relief). I was holding it in! I, you know…come on, come on! I didn’t know I had to go! I’m serious! And then all of a sudden I’m on this freaking bridge with no where to go! The way I saw it, I could either jump over the side, pee in there, and find my way back up or I could just…take a…piss…and that’s what I did. No one even noticed…it’s all good. It was very subtle. Very subtle. Yeah…yeah. I think I buy that. (Exhale) (Extended Pause) Are we there yet?

I was slightly delirious and giddy at this point. At the same time I really had no alternative. I was about a mile into the bridge when all of a sudden I had this very urgent need to go to the bathroom. I actually laughed when I realized it because it was six miles to the other end of the bridge and there was no way I was turning around to run a mile in the wrong direction. I held it in for another mile and a half or so before I really had no alternative but to just be discreet. I waited until traffic in both directions died down and I was given a window of opportunity…which I took.

It’s 8:30p.m. I’ve been…running…for 14 ½ hours now. I’ve got a tweak in my left knee, a blister at the bottom of my left foot that’s hampering my running AND walking, a blister on my right pinky toe, and lower back pain. I’m exhausted, having some difficulties with cramps, and muscle knots in my calves and hamstrings. I’m in a bad way right now. Hopefully at mile 40… or mile marker 40 when I meet up with my brother…I can…take some salt tabs and electrolytes and get some of this stuff squared away. We’ll see how it goes. (sigh) If I can maintain a brisk walk I can alternate miles, which would be great, but I’ve got to take care of these blisters first. Other than that it’s just a matter of how much pain I have to tolerate in the race…before reaching the finish line. Which, I don’t even want to guess what the time frame for that is right now. Um…yeah…okay. One step at a time.

There was some serious trouble for me on the bridge. The blister on the bottom of my left foot became too painful to run on after a while and it was bothersome to even walk normally. On top of that my left knee was…tweaked. As I said in the recording there was just something wrong with it. I can’t really think of a better way to describe what was happening with it. Exhaustion and fatigue are one thing, but when your body physically starts to break down you reach a completely new level of pain and despair. At one point the pain was so great that I literally fell on my right knee and lay there panting for a minute. As I lay there huddled on the side of the road in the darkened gray of dusk my mind frantically searched for a solution…something…anything to make the pain go away and pick myself back up off the floor. But there was nothing. There was no logical solution laying there on the floor; there was no reasonable explanation for why I should stand up and continue on with the pain. So I abandoned thoughts of what to do next and I struggled to my feet; and I took the next step. I whimpered in pain, but I was moving forward. That’s all it was. Take the next step. Don’t think. Walk.

Alright…I’m done with the bridge. I popped the blister at the bottom of my foot. It still hurts, but it’s better. I popped the blister on my right foot…still hurts, but it’s better. I changed socks; got some Pedialyte, some Enduralytes, and some more water. I also watered down my feet. Hopefully it’ll numb them a little bit. I’ve got…I’m looking at 9:30p.m. 40…38 miles to go…ish. My feet are better, the knee is still hurting but, I…popped some Advil. I HATE doing that, but you know what…at this point I need it. (Beeping noise)….(sigh) that’s my sign to run, but I’ll wait a second. Let’s see what else is going on. (exhale) I…because of the pain, I broke down at one point and got down on my knees on the bridge, and was…just…crumpled there. Couldn’t really do anything…it hurt so much. But,…you know there was really no choice. I had to get up and just keep going, so that’s what I did, and now, the hardest part is over. (HAH!) That bridge was THE hardest part of the race, considering my, my injuries…like had it, had I not had that damn blister and everything I would have been better, but, um, even still I I gained some time on the guy ahead of me, which is good considering I don’t know how the hell I did it, but, not that I care but it’d be real nice to be running next to someone right now. My brother is fantastic. He doesn’t know it yet but he’s getting a PS3 from me, as an early Christmas gift or whatever the hell he wants to call it because he’s…earned it, a hundred times over. Just, you know making stops for me, getting everything for me just been constantly supportive and positive and it’s just he’s been completely amazing. I could NOT have done it without him at all. And, AND his attitude; without his ATTITUDE I would have been so defeatist and I would have…I don’t even know what I would have done…I would have just…I wouldn’t be in the mood I’m in right now that’s for sure, What else, what else, what else; Nutella: you know it’s a Godsend. It’s pure fat. And that’s exactly what I need on this kind of race. My body digests it quickly. That plus the Pedialyte…wow that guy’s going like a hundred…can I go a hundred? (Ah, wit) Plus everything else has just been sort of really helping me out. My legs are just…completely fatigued but, but they’re moving; they’re moving. And I’m going to make it…in time…for the cutoff, and I’m going to make it in time for my grandma’s surprise party. It’s going to happen. So…thought there was something else. I could have sworn there was something else. Oh! No, no no…you said that. Oh well, if I think of it I’ll tell you. Where’s the…can’t see it. So, oh by the way it’s night time now. It’s about 9:30p.m. so I’ve got my headlamp on and,,…my reflector vest which has a front pocket to keep a few goodies. So now I won’t get hit by a car at night. Hopefully. Annnnd…stop.

I spent about 30 minutes performing maintenance on myself after the seven mile bridge. As you can tell by now, I was in desperate need of it. In addition to my feet, and left knee needing attention I also was able to take in some more calories and electrolytes to try and replenish my body. I also changed my clothes. I figured after 50 miles it would be nice to throw on a new pair of shorts and shirt to give the illusion of feeling fresh. It worked.

Okay. I’m at mile marker 35. I just blew away the last five miles and…I’ve been making really good time, but unfortunately, the blister at the bottom left, of my, of the, of the foot…bottom of my left foot, is raw…completely. And I’m in trouble. I can’t run on the balls of my feet, can’t run normally, can’t run on the heel because it’s impossible. I’m sort of limping along right now…at mile marker 35. I wish I had been later, like even 25 would have been helpful. I only got five good miles in…I feel PHENOMENAL. I feel absolutely phenomenal but I can’t, but I can’t even run. Mike’s going up to a possible drug store about five miles up to see if they have anything, and if not, well…I’m only hoping that maybe…(exhale) I don’t know…I don’t know what I’m going to do. Well I’m going to finish is what I’m going to do, but I don’t know how I’m going to do it like this. Yeah…definitely painful. We’ll have to see. Figure something out. (sigh)Whatever.

This was pretty upsetting to me because right around mile marker 35 I was in a great groove. I was running along at a good clip and had put another five miles away when all of a sudden the popped blister at the bottom of my left foot went from being a large blister drained of pus to a huge blister infected and filled with pus. So while my entire body was ready to log another 10 miles without much difficulty, because of my left foot I was stuck there with a painful limp in my very short stride. Looking back I feel that the last half of the race was as much a test of patience and perseverance as it was of endurance…if not more so.

It’s 10:50p.m. So, it’s almost 11, which means…(extended pause) I’ve been running for about 17 hours now. Well if I do a short hobble...with the most of my weight centered on the heel of the left foot, it’s almost no faster than a walk but I am moving a little bit faster. Of course, the gait is awkward so I’m rolling my hips so I don’t know what that’ll do to me later on. but…maybe with enough time I can start numbing the sensation around my foot. (sigh) Anyways. 35 miles to go. I will check back in later.

Whatever it takes.

Okay…am I on? Yes. Just…I’m ignoring the pain. So, it doesn’t exist. I’m just running through it; not as fast as I was, but, still running. It’s only been about 7 minutes. The one thing I would like to say, and this is, probably the number one…well, two things I’ll say. One: is that to take away from an Ultra marathon…a hundred mile Ultra marathon you without a doubt need a strong supportive…ow…ow…ow, support crew. Ow, ow, ow! Damn it! Without them, you can’t run the race. It’s…just…physically impossible. So, definitely the first thing you need to take care of is the crew. I mean, it’s intensive, it’s demanding. The strategy involved. The plans, the communication prior to the race; you have a slight breakdown in the middle of the day, it can set you back three hours, as with what happened to me today. Second thing I’ll say is…and this is my fault completely. If you FEEL debris in the bottom of your shoe, and I guess that’s the one thing bad about my shoes; (Newton) they’re very light and they have a lot of air vents etc, but I guess at some point early on around mile 15 or so some debris, dust, dirt, rocks, whatever it was, got into the shoe at the bottom under the sock and started rubbing up against the bottom of my foot. So what I’ll say is…take care of your feet; and I normally adhere to that, religiously, but I ignored it here in this case. Mostly because I just didn’t want to stop at the time…and I didn’t think (laughing) it was going be a big deal. Well, I’m paying for it in spades; which is no less than I deserve. Take care of your feet. Make sure that you have dry socks. Make sure you have multiple changes of socks. Make sure that if you…eh you know make sure your laces aren’t too tight or are…are tight enough. Etc. there’s a hundred different thing that go into it. Make sure you’re wearing the proper kind of shoe, etc. etc. But, specifically with regards to what happened to me…make sure you take care of your feet with blisters. Blisters on the toes are one thing. They happen just because, they’re grating against each other. You can wear things for that. Which, I was planning on doing but I couldn’t find anything last night. So I just ignored it. It hasn’t been a factor. But the bottom of my foot; this is the first time…well, this has never happened to me before! Especially, I mean…literally the size of a dollar coin. It’s about two inches in diameter, and twice the size it was five miles ago. That’s not a good sign either. We’ll see, but make sure you take care of your feet. And I’ll let you know what happens.

I’ve gone into this in depth before and here in the recording so the only thing I will say is that I cannot emphasize enough how more than anything else in the entire race this blister had the most significant impact on my performance.

(Exhale) So…the shambling walk thing, slash hobbling run thing, is working to an extent but I feel the blister and pus moving forward and backward on my foot as it’s growing. (Mike on the walkie talkie) Yeah man I got you, do you hear me? (conversation on the walkie talkie) Hold on one second. Whole what? (Mike talking about the hydrogen peroxide, bandaids and Neosporin). Let’s do it. Soon as I get to 32 I’ve got sort of a hobble going on. I have no idea where I am I just crossed a bridge so I’ll be there when I can. (Mike talking about my previous race pacer a mile or so ahead of me) Good man whatever works. How’s he doing? (Mike conversation…me) Are you still recording? You ARE still recording. Hi there! So like I was saying…well the good news is I’m catching up. I passed two people, two people dropped out and I’m catching up to two more. So I’m making my way back up the pack which is good. The bad news is, like I said, my foot is in a BAD shape. And I still got 33 miles to go give or take. So…I don’t know. I don’t know how my foot’s going to be on Monday that’s for sure. It’s going to be pretty nasty. As long as I can take care…actually I don’t know how to treat a blister like that, it’s huge! Well I’ll hydrogen peroxide the hell out of it, Neosporin the hell out of it, Band aid the hell out of it, then wrap it back up the way I have, and then hopefully that’ll solve some of it, but I’m not going to touch it until it becomes unbearable again. That’s what I did at the last stop; it was becoming more painful but I was still running on it. So I took off the bandage and saw it, an d saw there was a new blister and I lanced that one…and that’s when the skin became so raw that it was just…extremely painful to the touch. So I plan on taking care of it, but in due course. Right now I can run on it without too much pain. Well, that I’m aware of. So…it’ll stay like that for a while. Anyways, got to keep running. I will talk to you later.

One of the more humorous recurring themes throughout the race, at least to me, was how something would happen and it would become the most painful or most difficult part of the race. First it was the long stretch without support. Then it was the heat. Next I had to deal without a support crew or supplies for five miles. Then it was the seven mile bridge, the tweak in my left knee, the blister on the bottom of my foot, etc. In the end it was the sheer length and breadth of the course in terms of miles and minutes that sneak up on you. When you get to the point where you have been running for 20+ hours straight you learn a new definition of words like tired, exhaustion, fatigue, deprivation and a whole slew of other words. I guess my point is, tongue in cheek, that no matter how bad you think it is…don’t worry, it gets worse.

Okay, just made a pit stop at mile marker 30. Got some more Pedialyte, got some more Nutella. Mike hydrogen peroxided the hell out of that insanely large blister. It was extremely painful, but hopefully it been disinfected so it won’t too bad. Then he drenched it in Neosporin, covered it in band aids, medicated foot powder, covered it in a pad, and then covered it in brand new dry socks, and I put on my reserve shoes which are a little bit lighter. They’re a little bit used. I mean, by a little bit used I mean like several hundred miles more than they’re supposed to, even though they’re only a few months older than my other pair, but they definitely feel good. The pain in the foot’s gone. Now I’m just sort of…I don’t know…tired maybe after running 70 miles. 71 miles…but I’m getting there. I passed by another person. We think the other person dropped out because we couldn’t find her. I have no idea what that puts me at and I don’t care, but it’s just fun to keep updated on these kinds of things. A good distraction. So, I keep forgetting to drop off the damn towel. We’ve got another pit stop in two miles at 28, pit stop in three miles after that at the last checkpoint, 25, and then it’s basically one more marathon to go. Ha ha! (Pitiful laugh) It’s 12:08a.m. so that pit stop took a little over 8 minutes. (Deep breath) If I can maintain my 12 minute pace we’ll be done by 6:30 (laugh) 24 ½ hours, which isn’t bad considering I was on course for 28 earlier. When things were looking bad; I mean, things aren’t great by any means right now, but they’re definitely working better for me if I can just hold out. It is currently ten minutes after midnight which means I’ve been running for 18 hours and ten minutes. Fun, fun fun.

Once we got the hydrogen peroxide and Neosporin inside the blister it was so much better. The pain faded for the next 15 miles or so and it was such a blessing. The next time I plan on running an Ultra I will definitely take better care of my feet, and I will definitely have some Moleskin and Blister derm patches on hand. That’s basically what I’ve been using on my foot in the week following the race and it makes such a difference. I can only imagine how much they would have helped had I been able to use them during the race.

So I just checked in at the ¾ waypoint 75 miles in at mile marker 25. I’ve got a little under 25 to go. Um, apparently I checked in 3rd. So I’m in 3rd place right now. And, um, apparently the guy who was leading, in 1st place took off way too fast. I was running with him in the beginning (Alan) but apparently he’s got a big problem over by mile 20. Five miles ahead of me so that means anything could happen. I doubt I could catch him anyways (Laugh) I’m not in the best shape right now, but there he is. Then there was the woman I was running with in the beginning with, Lisa, she’s, she’s been, solid. Phenomenal from the beginning, from the get-go. So uh, she’s probably going to win the race. Then there’s one guy who checked in right after me, or a couple minutes after me, and if he’s got the staying power he’s going to pass me. Again, don’t really care, but it’s interesting, I had NO idea. I mean…it’s 1:24 in the morning. It’s…19:25…I’ve been running for 19 hours 25 minutes and I had NO idea that was going to be anywhere NEAR the front of the pack. Then again like six or seven people have dropped out just because of the heat earlier, medical problems, etc. etc. So, I mean so far so good we’ll see how it goes.

When I checked in at the final way point before the finish I learned just what it means to run an Ultra marathon. Obviously you have to be at a certain level of physical fitness, but vastly more important, in my opinion, is the mental fortitude necessary to never give up. To not quit in the face of despair. To not allow bleakness to swallow you in the abyss. Persevere. Believe. It’s not impossible. Nothing is impossible if you maintain faith.

Mike just passed me. He’s headed out to the next pit stop two miles away at 23, and I’ve got one marathon left. The way it’s looking about 6 ½ hours (HAH!) we should be done around 7a.m.(HAH!!!). So we’ll see how it goes.

Enter the bludgeon of sleep deprivation.

Alright…3 a.m. I’ve been running for 21 hours. I’ve got 18 miles to go…(exhale) and I just about have nothing left in my body. Um, (exhale) I’m just physically…(sigh)drained. So I’m trying to walk…and…I’ve got lacerations all over my body. I’ve got (I just sound dead here) a deep blister on the bottom of my left foot. I’ve got a tweak in my RIGHT knee now. Probably from overcompensating from my left knee earlier. My eyelids are heavy, and um, I’m just tired. I would just like to go to sleep right now. And on a regular given day 18 miles, you know, I don’t know whatever I can do that in 3 hours, easy…less, but um, right now…it’s looking more like…six hours.(exactly right) hopefully after a mile or two of just walking I’ll be able to start jogging again. More than anything else it’s my knee that’s bothering me. With my knee, tweaked, it’s just hard…it’s impossible because of the sharp pain. Forget about the exhaustion. But anyways, so…again like I said hopefully, um, maybe after about half an hour of walking or so I’ll be able to jog in two miles or so. So…give me a grand total of about 3 ½. We’ll see what happens and I’ll let you know.

Just like what happened with my left knee earlier in the race my right knee got ‘tweaked’ somehow around mile marker 19. With 18 miles left my right knee was just a continuous sharp thrust of pain with each stride. Fortunately a few miles later the paramedics came by in the ambulance. I flagged them down and they gave me an Ace bandage. I wrapped it around my knee tight enough to stabilize and support the joints. I think that’s all it was. 22 hours of running continuously and my joints were just weakened from the exertion. Once I wrapped the bandage around my knee it was much easier for me to continue on.

So it’s…bout 6 a.m. Sunday morning. And I uh, I’ve been running for the past 24 hours. And I’m at mile marker 10. So it’s 91 miles in 24 hours. I’ve got about, 8 miles…and more than anything else I think I’m just dying. Completely exhausted. Like I uh, I uh, don’t have any energy left at all. And I keep harnessing it so I can put it into a push, and I’ll stumble and I’ll run and I’ll jog and I’ll get into this groove for a mile or two miles but uh, but um, my body’s gassed. It’s at its limit right now and um, I just want to make sure I get to the fin…to the end. So…(extended pause) 8 ½ more miles to go. And I’ll let you know how it ends.

Another big mistake here…I think at 6 a.m. it had been about five or six hours since I had last eaten anything. My brother and I discussed it later on. I didn’t even realize it at the time, I was literally too tired to think of anything. There were times where I was running with my chin on my chest and my eyes lidded. Also, I just wasn’t hungry. I really couldn’t summon my appetite. Even when we started driving back to Miami to make it in time for my grandmother’s birthday I had to force myself to eat a sandwich. Well, it’s a work in progress, and I’ve learned so many valuable lessons from this race that I will be able to take with me for the rest of my life. I also cannot express in words just how tired I was. I think it was physically painful to run like that. I vaguely remember being in pain, but to be honest I can’t recall much of what happened between 5 and 7a.m. Sunday morning.

So I’ve got a little under 4 miles left. It’s 7:53 (Mike on the walkie) Sounds good. So…should be done by 8:30-ish, give or take. The uh, blister on the bottom of my foot is by far the worst pain I’m dealing with right now. Um, I’ve got a number of different rashes and infections that are in a number of different parts of my body. So I’ll have to try and take care of those when I get home, but um, we’ll see. Let you know how it turns out in the next hour it should all be over. And then I can go to sleep. And I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated sleep as much as I will after I finish this race.

The end is near. This was the point where I turned off of US-1 and made my way towards Smathers beach. What a tease! Just when you think you’re getting close the road leading to the finish line seemed to stretch on endlessly. Of course, my perception was skewed by this point and it was only a few miles, but it seemed like an eternity after running for 26 hours.

So it’s currently 8:47. I’ve been running for 26 hours and 47 minutes. I’ve got 1 ½ miles left to go. I’m really really happy.(Mike on the walkie) Wait…the what? (Pause) Ow…ow! But anyways, I’m really happy about everything that’s been going on…Hey Bob! So anyways, sorry that was the race director that was congratulating me; apparently I did something funny. Um…I don’t know…I don’t remember what I was saying. Oh! One mile left; yes I’m very excited. Yes, very very happy. Thrilled! Can’t you tell in my voice? (Dead tired and no emotion whatsoever) Um, I um, probably won’t be running for the next week, at least. I especially need to take care of my feet, my inner thighs, some other parts…uh, where else am I rashed or otherwise lacerated. It’s a work in progress and I’ll have to check it out as it goes. So um, still can’t see the finish line. I can see, well I can’t see anything I’m just walking. I call it walking because I’m going so slow that if someone was walking they’d still be able to pass me. Technically I’m running, because I guess I am making the correct body movements for it even if I’m not moving much. Um, so yes this was a great experience. One I’ll most likely never do again. Or if I do it will be a much cooler less hot less humid race. Well, I say that now. Ask me again in 24 hours after I’ve slept. With a slightly more organized crew plan, you know. But, despite that, my brother did a phenomenal job in taking care of me throughout the latter half of the race. But anyways, I’ll…I’ll do my whole post-race summary after I take a nap on the car ride back so I can go surprise my grandmother.

I finished. I did it. Within 15 months of failing to finish my first marathon I successfully ran my first 100 mile Ultra marathon. I can honestly say I am satisfied with the complete transformation of my life. I believe that I have taken my first steps in a larger world. To quote Dan Millman I can “stop trying to be superior in an ordinary realm, and start trying to be ordinary in a superior realm.” It truly is funny how life works sometimes. I believe I have learned more about life in the past 18 months than I have in the rest of my entire life. I will continue to live my life as an aspiring Peaceful Warrior, and I will continue to cherish each and every moment that I live for the potential that it offers.

I dedicate this race to my grandmothers, Beatrice “Bea” Rodriguez and Norma “Muna” Cerecedo in remembrance of what began my journey in the first place, and in honor of what is truly important in life. Happy 80th birthday Muna. May you live to see a hundred.

Appendix

List of items consumed during the race: Amount of each item Caloric value of item

Zephyrhills water bottle (700 ml.) x 14 0
Zephyrhills water bottle (½ liter.) x 17 0
Berry Rain Gatorade (12 oz.) x 09 810
Strawberry Rain Gatorade (20 oz.) x 03 390
Mountain Berry Accelerade (20 oz.) x 02 360
Berry Accelerade (20 oz.) x 03 540
Sprite bottle (20 oz.) x 01 230
Ginger ale can (12 oz.) x 01 120
Pedialyte (128 oz.) x 01 400
Pediatric drink (milk-based) (xx oz.) x 03 405
Banana x 02 220
Snicker’s Marathon Energy Bar (Peanut) x ½ 105
Watermelon slice x 12 150
Cantaloupe slice x 6 90
Trail mix (chocolate) (10 oz.) x ½ 115
Nutella (13 oz.) x 1 1,900
Total 5,835

Body weight Friday, May 16, 2008...6a.m. 192 lbs.
Body weight Sunday, May 18, 2008 12p.m. 181 lbs.
Body weight Sunday May 24, 2008 9a.m. 184 lbs.

The Road to War...

2008-09-07T20:34:00.001-04:00

Originally Written on Sunday, April 27, 2008 at 12:31am

What does it mean to see the face of God? Is it a literal translation where one actually perceives the face of the Creator? Or is it metaphorical; having at last glimpsed some existential revelation that transcends previous thoughts regarding our reality?

Do we exist in a world that consists of natural laws and absolute truths, or is even the concept of the world a subjective creation of our sensations and experiences limited only by the constraints we place upon ourselves?

As I write this sitting by myself in front of my computer, over six billion people are living out their lives in vastly similar and different ways. It is, to me, inconceivable that I will ever truly be able to live in their world, because I will never experience it. I may meet thousands of people in my life, and touch several hundred of them in some meaningful way. It is even possible that my words and deeds will somehow influence the thoughts and actions of others. That, in my opinion, is an extremely powerful notion.

The legacies we as individuals leave behind us when we die are measured in innumerable ways. Wealth, property, offspring, even our family names are considered part of what we leave behind to posterity. Personally, I think more significant than the sum of all the others is the affect we have on the people we meet in our lives. The impression we leave after a friendly smile, a casual word, a glance, a loving embrace; whether the time spent together lasts long enough for a few sentences or a lifetime of shared memories and experiences our words and actions can echo in another's mind for the rest of their life. That, is a legacy.

The Road to War...

I march along the road to war,
To live, to die, to breath, to soar.
And though I am consumed by Night,
I'll not surrender my inner Light.

The one that drives me to succeed,
An endless hunger I need to feed.
Though battered, broken, bruised and bled,
Yet still this lonesome path I'll tread.

Now pay attention or you'll misperceive,
These words are more than average creed.
I need you here now can you see,
Just what these words do mean to me?

I've run farther than men can dream,
I've born this pain without a scream.
In search for immortality,
Until the end I'll not bend knee.

And so I march along this road,
Not knowing what the time will bode.
Yet ever knowing that my fight,
Will lead me to undying right.

Of principles, this moral code,
I swear by life I will uphold.
They'll mock, they'll sneer, they do not know,
My enemies I will lay low.

I've wandered now this endless dream,
For countless nights my thoughts do teem.
I'll rest beneath the bright starlight,
and marshal strength to fight with might.

These Demons now they mock, they jeer,
They try to beat me down with fear.
Yet each new day I rise again,
I march to war until the end.

I've shed my tears for fallen friends,
and vanquished foes as they descend.
I will not think compassion's trite,
but my soul still shines a bit less bright.

This weariness a burdened crown,
And emptiness this ghostly town.
The lonesome cold it does surround,
Drag me beneath the depths underground.

I feel the weight come crashing down,
These whispers try to make me drown.
Of death, despair, defeat and woe,
At twilight's end I still shout no.

I pick myself back off the ground,
My battle shout so clear the sound.
Defiant still, my head held high,
This tempest wind, a serene sigh.

With each new breath within my side,
I fill my soul with fire and pride,
I stand unbroken, show no fear,
These dedicated eyes do seer.

With strength infused into my limbs,
My conviction steel; save these victims.
I will not quit nor will I fail,
I'll see this battle through Shadow's Vale.

My words and deeds they do avow,
As I place my conscience upon my brow.
I sheath my sword the war is done,
I look to see where dawn comes from.

As sunlight washes overhead,
I stand atop the conquered dead.
Look past horizons of futures untold,
I take that lonesome step so bold.

So off to war I march again,
A constant struggle start to end.
I now know why they call it life,
The joys that come with all the strife.

The road to war goes on and on,
I'll stay this course from dusk to dawn.
With each new battle I swear my vow,
Immortality begins right here, right now.

Life brings new challenges every day. Sometimes they confront us head on. Sometimes they come out of nowhere. Sometimes we're ready for them. Sometimes we're not. These challenges can bring us great pain, and they can bring great sorrow. The true test of our character comes not when we are at our best, but when we are most vulnerable. It is when we are broken and shattered that our true character shines through. It is when our hearts are bared with tears streaming down our faces that we are most beautiful. It is when we are so weak that we can barely stand or see through the pain that our true strength is unveiled. It is only after we have broken down all barriers that we can truly begin to build something meaningful. It is only when life is chaotic and swirling all around us that we can clearly see its true meaning.

I am a Peaceful Warrior. Each and every day I find myself distracted. Each and every day I find myself needing a war to fight. A cause to pledge myself to. A goal to achieve. A mountain to climb. Each and every day I march along the road to war, and each and every single day I am reborn again as I find something or someone to fight for. My only hope is that with each new day I can take someone's pain away, lighten their burden, and help them see through to the other side where they can find peace and happiness.

Eternity in a Moment

2008-09-07T20:24:00.000-04:00

Originally written on Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 9:25pm

Within each grain of sand lies a world undiscovered; with each new breath we are reborn as life begins anew. Every blink of the eye captures a moment for eternity. Every unspoken thought a requiem for a conversation forever lost in what might have been.

I was running through a park several days ago and saw an elderly woman sitting in a park bench lost in thought. She was staring with unfocused eyes as though reliving some memory of her past. It struck me then of all that life is and how it can pass us in a moment.

I started thinking of how I wanted to compare that captured image of the woman on the bench in my memory to a scene frozen forever within a snow globe. A single moment of time forever captured in eternity. Within the blink of an eye so many possibilities open and close. They stop to say hi or pass by without a glance. I was going to write about it at length, but then when I began I started to think of these rhyming lyrics. I really do not think I have any talent for poetic rhymes, but sometimes it's nice to express my thoughts in a different way.

If you've ever looked into a picture frame, or glanced at your reflection...
Maybe you and I would feel the same, and pass this point of tension.

Of broken hearts, a fractured glance, our eyes meet for a moment...
A stuttered start, I ask to dance, a path to my atonement.

A nervous smile, a little laugh, I can't seem to say anything...
Forgive me girl it's been a while, my path, forever wandering.

I fail to make you see the fire, that burns within my soul...
Every word I say "a liar", your past has taken its toll.

But if you could only see within, and feel of my emotions...
You'd no longer seal it in, risk love and cross the oceans.

All I want to be is there, for you, forever after...
'Cause all I really do is care, it's true, so still the laughter.

A crying shoulder, just be a friend, or love that lasts forever...
I'll be that boulder, your heart I'll tend, I want to be together.

I see it all within a flash, then back to this reality...
The picture frame goes in the trash, reflection just a mockery.

Then I'll go back home at night, and write it all down for comment...
Of what could have been the light, eternity in a moment.

There are no Coincidences

2008-09-07T20:21:00.002-04:00

Originally written on Monday, March 24, 2008 at 10:12pm

When I woke up at 4:30 a.m. on the day of the race I knew a number of things were going to happen throughout the course of the day. I knew I was going to run 50 miles. I knew I was going to meet some new and interesting people at the race. I knew I was going to have an amazing time, and I knew that at least once during the day I was going to question my sanity. Yet it always seems that it is the one thing we do not prepare for that inevitably forces us to make a difficult decision. This is no less true in our daily lives than it was for me on this given day.

I drove to the race feeling calm and confident. Sure in my abilities and the path that had led me up to this point in my journey. Everything seemed to be working in my favor. My muscles felt loose and rested. The weather was perfect: cool and slightly breezy. Unlike most of my races I knew this was going to be a long day, and I was already in a state of mind that allowed me to see the course of the day unfold before me.

I started the race in the middle of the pack but methodically worked my way up front. I used my powerful small flashlight illuminating the ground before me as a guide of where to step. The race was called "Croom's Trail 50 miles Fools Run" and the name was apt. Only a fool would choose to pay and run along a treacherous trail littered with dead brush, fallen branches, hidden roots and any number of other perils.

As we passed by the "start/finish" area and began our first 15-mile loop I settled in to a comfortable pace with a group of four other runners. There was a young man in a red shirt around my age who led the pack and despite his cavalier approach to running headlong into the trail kept us at a good pace. He constantly stumbled over the raised branches and hidden roots, and he fell twice. Muttering about a weak lighting, red shirt allowed me to pass him and take control of the pace group. I led us further down the trail until we reached a fork in the trail with no visible marker as to which way to go. No glow sticks, no trail tape, no orange blaze to let us know which trail was correct.

As the other four members of my pack and I discussed which way to go I was suddenly reminded of a scene from "The Lord of the Rings" where Gandalf is leading the Fellowship through the Mines of Moria and comes upon the three diverging paths. I smiled to myself as I thought "I have no memory of this place". After discussing it for a minute or so we continued on the right trail (we guessed correctly) red shirt took the lead again, stumbling through the darkness. I remember thinking to myself how horrible it would be if he fell again and broke an ankle.

Not ten minutes later...I fell, and felt as much as heard a sharp *SNAP* in my left foot and ankle. Immediately grasping my foot in a crouch, I gasped as the pain seared through me. Red shirt and the rest of my pack stopped and asked if I was okay, but I told them to go on. They could do nothing for me. The last runner in the pack told me it was 12 miles to the beginning of the loop, and only three miles back to the base camp. I did the only thing I could do. I ran.

Or rather, I tried to run. The first step sent a lance of pain through my leg as I whimpered to another stop. Doggedly, I began walking forward. Determinedly, I put one foot in front of the other, all the while thinking to myself...all of the training, the countless hours, the dedication...wasted. As other packs of runners caught up to me they each expressed their concern and offered sympathy, but all I could taste was the bitter ashes in my mouth. Wasted. As the grey of pre-dawn broke the darkness around me, my self-pity and morose thoughts transformed into a series of short, angry phrases:

Pain is...a weakness.
Pain is...temptation.
Pain is...temporary.
Pain is...an illusion.
Pain is...life.
Pain is...meaningless.
Pain is...powerless.
Pain is...nothing.
Pain is...the Siren's Song.
Pain is...a welcome struggle.
Pain is...the price to be paid.
Pain is...on the road to victory.

With each utterance I lurched forward into a shambling run, bloodied but unbowed in my quest. I would not allow myself to come so far only to fall so short from my goal. The pain was grueling yes, but no matter how sharp the pain felt, no matter how much it seared through my leg, I knew that the pain in my ankle was a pale shadow compared to the pain I have felt before in my life. A small pinprick compared to a gaping hole in my chest. The pain served as a reminder of how important each continued step was to me. Not just for myself, but for all of the people who doubted. For all of the people who say it cannot be done. More importantly, for all of the people who wish it could be done, but cannot themselves. Most importantly, for those family and one or two friends that I love and cherish.

Anger is a funny thing. It fuels the body with adrenaline and allows us to achieve more than we are otherwise capable of. It was anger that motivated me to sign up for the IronMan competition after an incident with my father over the summer. It was anger over lowering my guard that convinced me to sign up for the Ultramarathon. Yet Anger is its own weakness. Anger fades. It is illusory. It is transitory; of the moment. The only way to live a good life is to act on our emotions, but emotions are not enough to sustain us over the course of time. Emotions cannot go the distance. For that, one needs to be committed to a deeper reservoir of power.

Dedication. Belief. The will to act. Dedication to one's self, dedication to the lifestyle I have chosen for myself, and dedication to live each day to its fullest potential. Belief in myself, belief in my ability to achieve anything....anything I set my mind to, and belief that what I do will inspire others to better themselves, if in many different ways. The will not just to dream, but to act. To make my dreams a reality and to inspire others to achieve their dreams, whatever they may be. The will to change our lives for the better by becoming something greater than we are.

So I ran. I jogged and I shuffled and I limped and I walked...and I ran.

Then I ran into Phil. Literally. In my reckless attempt to carry on I caught up with one of the packs that had passed me and joined myself to them in the back. There were five runners, and as I joined their conversation I introduced myself to them. One of them asked if my ankle was going to hold up. In a grim humor, I quoted Han Solo from "Star Wars" in saying "Don't worry. She'll hold together." Ironically enough, a hidden root and a twisting pain in my foot made me fervently think to myself: Hear me baby, hold together.

The last runner in the pack in front of me was Phil. A 29-year old infantryman from Ft. Benning, Georgia, Phil and I became very close throughout the course of the race. Genuinely concerned about my ankle, Phil offered to help me with an Ace bandage and painkillers when we reached his truck at the beginning of the trail. Over the course of the next seven miles or so I took the lead from the pack and pushed at a quicker pace to try and get to the beginning quicker. Phil kept pace with me and kept asking to make sure I was doing okay. Over the course of 10 hours running together you really get to know a person. Phil had a number of things he really needed to talk about and I was really glad I was able to meet him and listen. Truly a great guy.

The two of us finally reached his truck and I swear Phil had enough stuff to stock a Walmart in the back of his truck. He had a cooler with drinks, a box of power bars, an Ace bandage, and the coup de grace...800mg Aspirin. This is the stuff you can give to horses and women in labor. (Okay, not really...but still potent stuff) I am stubborn to a fault with most things, and that includes taking medicine. I rarely ever do so unless it is absolutely. Being in the condition I was in though, and having 30 more miles to run with an ankle I was seriously considering gnawing off at the bone...I wrapped my ankle in the bandage, popped an Aspirin and we headed out for the second loop with Phil.

If the second loop was torture for me, it was just as bad for Phil. By mile 30, Phil was nauseous, gaseous, bloated, dizzy and overall in a bad way. Each person is different, but you have to maintain the very fine balance of hydration and caloric consumption in order to keep your body functioning properly. If there's one thing I've come to learn extremely well over the last year, it's my body. Over the course of the entire race I consumed no more than 600 calories. One and a half bananas, 1/2 a Snicker's marathon bar, one 3 oz. cup of chocolate M&Ms, and a handful of reduced fat Wheat Thins. That's it. Of course, I drank enough water and Gatorade to fill a small lake, but even still I didn't need to use the bathroom once all day.

Phil though was eating gels left and right and starting getting some really nasty cramps. At this point I was running faster than him (ankle and all) and he told me to keep going without him, but I told him to forget it. Without him, I would have been in really bad shape and I was going to repay him for his kindness. So I chivvied him, bullied him, and kept making him take step after step in order to keep him from stopping. So Phil (the cramped and dehydrated) and I (the cripple) somehow managed to make it back to his truck at the end of the second loop. At that point he told me how sorry he was for my ankle but at the same time how grateful he was I stuck around to run with him. That made the race worth while for me if nothing else. With 35 miles down and 15 to go we were on our way.

The last loop I led for most of the way making sure Phil was drinking enough water to stay hydrated and trying to work out some of those knotted cramps by walking every once in a while. It started raining on us with about four miles to go, but Phil was almost burned out by this point. I just let him take the lead and jogged behind him when he could, talked next to him when he walked. Everything really does happen for a reason, and if a sprained ankle cost me a chance at winning the race, it also put me in a position to meet Phil and help him finish his race. Definitely worth it in my opinion.

Ten and a half hours after starting the Croom's Fool Run Ultramarathon Phil and I crossed the line together in what culminated in a great day. We had to run through the finish line again because the photographer was sitting under a tarp. I thought it was hilarious. After the photo-finish I walked over to the covered bench where a dozen or so finishers were recuperating. They asked me if I was hungry, and I stared at him. He gave me a hamburger. A juicy, delicious, heavenly hamburger. Probably one of the best-tasting things I've ever had in my life.

The other finishers were sitting at the benches but despite my ankle I was standing and walking around. I truly felt incredible after the race. I just had an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. The more so for having done it in the way I did. Phil and I talked for a few minutes before I decided to head back to the hotel and get out of the rain. To celebrate my race I ordered a large pepperoni pizza and devoured it in one sitting. (It's becoming a tradition)

Yes, I probably aggravated my injury by running 45 miles with a sprained ankle. Yes, I could have run another race in a month or two after letting my ankle heal. Yet I also kept my promise of finishing through with what I started. I kept my promise of not quitting and not giving up. Like I said, the race was an amazing experience, and I wouldn't change anything that happened.

This thread goes out to all of the people (including myself) who have ever used the word can't at some point in their lives. I would like to introduce all of us to the words can, will, and did.

Oh, one last thing. A small thing, but important to me so I'll end my thread with this...

As I was gathering all of my gear the morning of the race I suddenly noticed some words written around my race number hanging from my race belt. They read: Don't quit. Don't ever quit...

...and I never will.

The Circle is Now Complete...

2008-09-07T20:19:00.000-04:00

Originally written on Monday, February 25, 2008 at 9:23pm

To borrow a line from "Star Wars: A New Hope", I thought it a fitting title for what I had in mind for this note.

One year. That's how long I've been racing. The 2007 Five Points of Life Marathon in Gainesville was the first time I had ever attempted running in a race since I graduated high school. Moreover, unlike all of the 5k races I ran in Cross Country, I had leap-frogged all the intermediate distances and jumped straight to the 26.2 mile marathon. As I've written before, I couldn't finish it. Despite all of the hard training and work I wasn't able to adapt to the extremely cold conditions and had to stop shortly before mile 23. I kept a positive outlook on the day and the race, but it really bothered me that the first test of my new conviction and lifestyle met with, in my eyes, surrender. I vowed that day never to quit again. No matter the cost.

One year. That's how long I've had to grow since that day. The countless hours I've spent training myself. The redoubled efforts to accomplish new feats and meet my ever-rising expectations and standards. Everything I had accomplished and the immeasurable amount of personal growth I had achieved in the past year was amazing...and yet I still had that blemish of giving up in my mind. So I signed up for the Gainesville marathon again. I approached the race with no expectations. Just finish the race. That's all I cared about.

One year. That's how long I had been waiting for redemption. Come race day morning, I had a very intricate plan. Run. A lot. Fast. Hey, it worked. The first ten miles I spent following my "pace pal". Basically the person I felt would keep a similar pace to what I felt comfortable running for the entire race. After that tenth mile, however, I was still feeling fresh and decided to start running "naturally". Running for me is a lot of fun, but it's also competitive. I'm not the kind of person to hang back and just keep the same constant pace throughout the race. I am much more likely to be a better runner when surrounded by better athletes. I am much more of aRoger Bannister than I am aJohn Landy. That is to say, I am only as good as my competition makes me. So at the halfway point (1:40) I still felt fresh and wanted to push myself to see how well I could do. So I ran naturally. I found the person ahead of me. I caught them. I passed them. I found the next person ahead of me. Repeat. I ran the second half of the marathon five minutes faster than the first, and finished seventh overall.

One year. That's how long I have been living my new life.
I felt great. I feel great. I had such an amazing time throughout the weekend and race. This past year has seen a number of changes to my personality, behavior, and general outlook on life. As with anything in life there are always ups and downs, but it is important to remember to keep that determination and positive spirit when things don't seem at their best; even more so than when everything in life seems to be falling your way. Everything happens for a reason; even if you do not see it right away. Without my failure last year I would never have pushed myself so hard to finish the Sarasota marathon two weeks later. I would never have received a phone call from a concerned friend to start resting and branch out. I would never have raced in my first triathlon a week later. I would never have known all of the joys of this one year.

One year. That's how long I have lived in this reflection. What does your reflection show you?

List of Things to do Before I'm Thirty (The Five Year Plan)

2008-09-07T20:17:00.001-04:00

Originally written on Sunday, February 17, 2008 at 9:15pm

So on this beautiful weekend I did some thinking on my runs and rides about what I wanted to accomplish in the near future. As I was thinking I started coming up with a list, and decided to put a deadline in order to make sure I completed them. So without further ado, here is a list of what I will accomplish before my 30th birthday:

1.) A 50-mile Ultramarathon. (CHECK)
2.) Skydive. (CHECK)
3.) IronMan Kentucky (CHECK)
4.) Swim the English Channel
5.) Run seven marathons on the seven continents of the world.
6.) Scuba dive off of the Great Barrier Reef in Australia.
7.) A 100-mile Ultramarathon. (CHECK)
8.) Spend a year volunteering with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
9.) IronMan Florida
10.) IronMan Arizona
11.) IronMan Lake Placid
12.) IronMan Wisconsin
13.) Run the Western States 100 Ultramarathon.
14.) Finish writing a book.
15.) Take a spontaneous flight to a random international destination. (CHECK)
16.) Travel across Europe. (CHECK)
17.) Visit Japan.
18.) Race in the Spartathlon.
19.) Run with the Bulls in Pamplona.

There are also a number of things I want to do before I'm 30, but can't guarantee that I'll have finished them by then. This includes:

1.) Learn the basics of sign-language.
2.) RE-learn the basics of the guitar.
3.) Get my PhD.
4.) Crash a wedding (So close to being done this past Summer...)

I'll update the list as I think of more, but I'm always open to suggestions as to what else I should do :)

Just Another Day in Paradise...

2008-09-07T20:16:00.002-04:00

Originally written on Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 4:36pm

I've just spent the last 5 1/2 hours learning how painful it is to run from my house to Key Biscayne and back. Thirty-five miles of running is an incredibly difficult thing to do, more so than I would have thought considering what I've tried to accomplish in my life.

I woke up this morning feeling great and planned to go on a long run. This was the first week since I got injured with the deep-thigh contusion/hematoma that I felt back to 100%. So after breakfast and some stretches I was out the door and on my way.

Because I knew I wanted to push myself today I decided to take my "fuel belt". Basically it's a belt with four 8 oz. squeeze bottles and a pouch for miscellaneous items. I filled two bottles with Gatorade and two with water. In the pouch I had my phone, my debit card, $10 cash, and some Endurolytes...basically pills with sodium and other things the body needs replenished through sweating and exercising.

Running with anything around my waist is an awkward experience...and it was especially disturbing running with the added weight and the constant motion of the liquids, but I went with it.

It was a beautiful day and by the time I had crossed over the Rickenbacker causeway I was feeling great. Another six miles and I was at the turnaround point near the 7-11 and La Carreta. Out of drinks, I popped in to buy some water and a banana before I started my way back. By mile 19 I started feeling a little fatigue in my legs, but what was really bothering me was I was constantly thirsty throughout the run. I probably had cotton mouth half the time I was running. Every time I drank it helped for a few minutes, but I was getting full and nothing was working. The electrolyte pills I had consumed were helping replenish my body but they have a pretty bad impact without sufficient hydration.

Anyways, by mile 22 my body was in open rebellion against me. My legs were very tight and I was light-headed. The only thing that kept me going was that stubborn determination that has seen me through so much...but even that was wavering with the realization that I had more than 10 miles left to run, it was hot, and I wasn't racing, just out for a Saturday run.

And then I saw it. The most beautiful thing I've seen in the last 6 1/2 days...a frozen lemonade stand. I practically giggled at the idea of having something in me. For the last 45 minutes I had been witnessing the fight between my heart on the one side and my brain and body on the other when really I should have just been listening to my stomach! I had run for 3 1/2 hours and my body craved energy.

Normally I have a pretty regular pattern of what I eat and how I regulate my food intake, but at that point I really didn't care at all. So I asked the vendor (super nice guy by the way) for a cold sprite, a small frozen cherry icee, and a bottle of water. Needless to say, I was in heaven. That sprite was the first soda I've had in a very very long time, but the 110 grams of sodium, 56 grams of sugar and 56 grams of carbs were MUCH appreciated. The carbonation and gas...not so much. And the cherry icee? Are you kidding me?! You may as well have given me crack or caffeine pills for all the effect it would have on my body. Whatever is in one of those things, it's pure artificial sugar, and my body broke it down within minutes.

So now I was back on my merry way. Oh my body was still complaining, but it was more of a subdued grumbling as opposed to the out right pain I had experienced. At least I felt alert and didn't have to worry about my body literally shutting down on me. The next 7 or 8 miles went by without any real problems and then I stopped at Sun Juice for my routine smoothie and chat with the people who work there. There's nothing like a Nutella smoothie to just make your day that much better. After I finished the smoothie I finished running back to my place and then literally fell into the pool (FREAKING COLD) and relaxed for a bit, reflecting on the day.

5 1/2 hours. 35 miles. Ultramarathon runner. I have a 50 mile Ultramarathon coming up soon...and I definitely need to do a little more planning the next time I decide to do something spontaneously crazy like this.

"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will." - Vince Lombardi

Hema-what? Proving a point...honoring a promise.

2008-09-07T20:16:00.001-04:00

Originally written on Sunday, January 13, 2008 at 8:51pm

I felt like writing something and this was on my mind earlier during the marathon in Disney World today so here goes...

So on December 27th I seriously injured myself in a freak accident and for two weeks was unable to do any kind of training whatsoever. I spent four days on my back screaming into a towel for 90 minutes as the muscles in my right leg were torn apart from the calcification and blood clotting from the hematoma I received in the accident. For each of those four days I pushed my friend to push me: to take me to the threshold because I needed to be ready to run in the Disney marathon on January 13th.

Why? It had nothing to do with wanting to run in the race. Far from it. I am very competitive in most things that I do and I did not want to embarrass myself with a poor showing at a race I was not properly ready for.

I did it for two reasons. First, I ran the Disney marathon because I had to. I made a promise to someone. They don't even know I made the promise. I promised I was going to run the race for them, finish it and give them the medal because of how much it meant to them. Of course...this person is incredibly stubborn (:p) and won't give up until they figure out the secret, but there it is.

The second reason ties in to the first. I had to run the race. How could I let something as insignificant as pain and opposition stop me from overcoming adversity. The person I ran the race for has overcome so much in their life...so much more than I can ever possibly imagine coming close to. So I had not run for a little over two weeks. So I could not even properly stretch out my muscles before running. So I probably aggravated my injury and prolonged the recovery process. So I let my stubborn nature dictate my actions...again. :)

So was it worth it? Absolutely. Why was it worth it? Because everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that. We make so many decisions on a daily basis and sometimes we don't even realize how important the most insignificant choice may come back to affect our lives weeks, months or even years down the road. Why was it worth it? Because I overcame adversity. I made a conscious choice that I would not allow my circumstances to dictate my course of action. I triumphed when all that was expected was failure. Why was it worth it? Because I fulfilled my promise. That above all else succored me through the most acute pain I felt while running today.

My running the Disney marathon is dedicated to Alyssa "Smurf" Exposito. An amazing friend, an incredible young girl, and a true inspiration in my life. This one was all for you Smurf. I know you can accomplish anything in your life as long as you stay committed, and I look forward to helping you achieve your goals.

2007: The "Year of Marc"

2008-09-07T20:14:00.000-04:00

Originally written on Sunday, December 30, 2007 at 12:58am

The end of 2006 saw my entire life change in a matter of a few months. Shortly before the new year I promised myself that the year of 2007 would redefine me as an individual. I would create a new identity for myself. One I could use to move forward with my life. One overarching principle: Be happy. Three fundamental rules: No shame. No fear. No regret. A deep rooted conviction in pushing myself to new limits and a pledge to live as spontaneously as possible.

"It was the year of fire. It was the year of destruction. The year we took back what was ours. It was the year of rebirth. The year of great sadness. The year of pain. And the year of joy. It was a new age. It was the end of history. It was the year, everything changed." - J. Michael Straczynski

Now I look back and reflect on the "Year of Marc" (borrowed from the "Summer of George" on Seinfeld). Prior to 2007 I had never run a race longer than a 5k, and that was in my senior year of high school. Throughout the course of the year, I ran my first marathon...and became hypothermic at mile 22. I ran my second marathon two weeks later in Sarasota...and finished. I raced in my first triathlon the very next week on my old mountain bike in Clermont. Two months later I finished a half IronMan in Orlando, and after five months of training and fourteen hours of swimming, biking, and running with mono I crossed the finish line for the IronMan in Clermont...the city where it first started.

I've done a number of completely random and spontaneous things...some which I will cherish for the rest of my life.

In one year I feel I have done so much with my life...and I now know that I have barely begun to scratch the surface. 2007 was about rediscovering who I used to be growing up, and who I wanted to become as an adult. I have successfully walked that path, and I am a stronger man today than I have ever been in my life. Strip away all of the accomplishments, the countless hours of training, the cherished memories, and I go back to that one single principle that is the core of my life: Be happy. That foundation for my life is protected by those three simple rules: No shame, no fear, no regret.

Twilight approaches as the end of the year draws near. 2007 gives way to the dawning of a new age. A new era that will present as many opportunities and memories as I am willing to make. 2008: a year of hopes and dreams, a chapter unwritten in history, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity...to achieve the impossible.

Why the World Needs to Believe...

2008-09-07T20:09:00.004-04:00

Originally written on Monday, October 22, 2007 at 1:51am

...in dreams, fairy tales, make-believe, fantasies, wishes, super heroes, and above all...inspiration.

Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here?

“Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” – Albert Einstein

As I continue to live my life, I feel there is so much that I have experienced. So much I have loved, lost, cherished, sacrificed, achieved…lived. There are so many things in fact that I find it immensely humorous when I compare those experiences to the innumerable occurrences that I will never know solely because of the finite period of time allotted for what we call life. Yet when I do make that comparison it puts into perspective for me just how contradictory our lives as human beings truly are.

“Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I used to worry about everything in my life. From my appearance and money to my car and clothing. From the worry of saying something offensive to a stranger or by expressing my feelings too soon to someone I cared for. Most of these things may sound trivial, but thinking back to any number of situations in my past this mindset dominated my life. Fear. Fear is what controlled my life for all those years. Nothing more than fear. It was fear that rooted my feet to the ground and kept me from walking the unknown path. It was fear that kept my lips sealed from speaking those words that now can never be said. It was fear…nothing more than fear, and it was killing me…one inch, one moment at a time.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

No longer. I feel it is very difficult trying to express it. Life has become so simple. No. That’s not right. Life was always simple. I just chose not to see it that way. The transition came and went without much fanfare, as moments like these usually do. There was no divine messenger, no orchestrated music in the background or awe-filling light from above. I honestly don’t even think I can point to the exact moment where this transformation truly occurred. Much of it has to do with self-awareness. The realization that life, in whatever form we choose to shape it, is always precious. I could have died yesterday, I may die tomorrow, but today I am alive, and for me not to take advantage of that fact would be a waste.

“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved.” – William Jennings Bryan

This new philosophy on life revolves around revering all of life’s possibilities. About living life one day at a time. One moment at a time. Realizing that there really is no such thing as an ordinary moment. Carpe Diem…Memento mori. How then do I seize the elusive day Horace wrote of so many centuries ago…by remembering that there is only one true certainty in all of life: it ends. Mortality: one of the greatest lamentations of human beings while at the same time one of our most precious gifts.

Inspiration

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us”. – Oliver Wendell Holmes

I do not know about the rest of the world, but I do know how important inspiration is to my life. That uplifting swell deep within my soul that empowers me to do anything, literally anything I can possibly imagine. I truly believe that everyone needs that in their lives. Some people find it in the love they have for another. Others in their deep-rooted belief in God or religion. For me…it’s super-heroes. Fantasy, fiction…make-believe. It’s the imaginary that is anything but the ordinary. It is my imagination that allows me to be anything but ordinary. I sincerely feel that human potential is only limited by the restraints we place on our reality.

“Run towards your fears. Embrace them. On the other side of your greatest fears lives your greatest life.” – Robin Sharma

I worked on this written piece throughout the week while I have been sick with mononucleosis and strep throat. I do not remember the last time my body has suffered an illness this debilitating. For the first time in my admittedly brief span of racing and training I felt compelled to stay in bed and rest, and not to race. It is impossible for me to ever fully express how irksome and irritating that surrender is.

On This Day

“If you can dream it, you can do it.” – Walt Disney

Fast-forward four weeks later. Everyone I know told me not to go. Everyone, including my doctor, mother, friends, their mothers, coworkers, students…yeah pretty much everyone told me not to compete in the IronMan. They told me I was stubborn, psychotic, that I could have a relapse with the mono or possibly die from a ruptured spleen. They told me it was not worth the risk, that there are plenty of other IronMan competitions and races for me to participate in…and they were right. I could have seriously hurt myself. I could have been too ill to finish. I could have lost consciousness from fatigue and physical exertion. I could have died.

“Don’t limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do. You can go as far as your mind lets you. What you believe, you can achieve.” – Mary Kay Ash

But not this day. On this day I would fight. On this day I would overcome. On this day I faced my fears, I faced the doubt. On this day I faced the endless hunger, the debilitating illness. On this day I embraced the pain, overcame the emptiness. On this day I outlasted the fatigue. On this day I faced the elements and the terrain, from the rain and choppy currents to the battering winds and bitter cold. On this day I covered the 140.6 miles, and beat the seventeen hour clock. A fourteen hour struggle that pitted me against each one of these challenging obstacles from before the sun rose until after the sun set on the 20th of October in the year 2007. Throughout the endless hours of training, the countless miles swimming, biking and running, I never gave up the hope that I would meet my goals. Not that I could, but that I would. The attitude, the conviction makes all the difference in my mind. I have become something greater than I was. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has yet to be written, but today…On this day, I am an IronMan.

The Timeline

“The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.” – Arthur C. Clarke

On March 10, 2007 I competed in and finished my first triathlon ever. It was a sprint race, consisting of a quarter-mile swim, a 10 mile bike ride and a 5k run. By the end, I thought I was going to pass out from exhaustion. Despite the fact that I had run my only two marathons in the three weeks prior to this event, I could already tell that triathlons were something I loved and wanted to continue to do. So with less than two weeks of swimming and cycling under my belt, I decided to take on something greater. Two months and ten days later I competed in and finished the ½ IronMan in Orlando, Florida. Six hours from start to finish and I thought it would never end. I was so drained at the end of the race that I needed to have an IV placed in my arm at the medical tent to replenish the missing electrolytes in my body.

"The nerve that does not relax, the thought that will not wander, the purpose that never waivers - these are the masters of victory."

After a week’s respite and a trip to Texas I resumed my training. I dedicated myself to becoming better. I pushed the limits of my endurance to levels that had previously been far out of reach. Five months after my ½ IronMan, to the day, I finish my first full IronMan. In addition to that, where I was completely healthy leading up to the half, I completed the full while still suffering from my bout with mono and a depleted immune system. Unlike the half, where I needed medical attention to fully recover from the race, I was able to walk off the effects of the Full IronMan. I was completely exhausted to be sure, physically depleted…but mentally alert and fully capable of performing regular activities. Just over seven months from my first sprint triathlon to finishing my first IronMan. And I have not yet begun pushing myself to the limit.

Acknowledgments and Dedication

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, not a destination.” – Souza

I had so much time to think while I was competing in the IronMan. So many inspirational thoughts and moments crossing my mind…it was the only way to keep myself entertained. I had planned on writing about them here, but most of them are gone and I feel they will be better saved for another occasion. I met so many nice people and had such a wonderful experience throughout the IronMan. These past two or three months have really taught me to be understanding. For a good portion of the time leading up to the race I was thinking about who I was going to dedicate this race to. There really is no question. My mother has taken care of me from the day I was born, and she continues to take care of me…even if she doesn’t always think my decisions are right. My illness would have been so much worse without her willing to pick up medicine, cook for me, and take care of me when I was literally bed-ridden. Without her I would be lost, and I can never begin to repay the debt I owe her for everything she has done for me in my life. And so I dedicate this seemingly never-ending feat of endurance to the person who has matched my accomplishment a dozen times over in the love and care they have given me. I love you mom.

The Why...

2008-09-07T20:09:00.001-04:00

Originally written on Monday, September 3, 2007 at 12:24am

It's amazing how much a person can change over such a relatively short time. It's really hard...because my ex-fiancee knew how I used to be, but doesn't really know how much I've changed. My mother knows how I am now, but never really knew how I acted on a day-to-day basis while I was gone in Gainesville. So no one has really been able to see the transition and compare it.

It's funny though, because on a daily basis...without fail, my life is commented on and judged by my family, friends, coworkers and students. It doesn't bother me. If anything it shows me that I have touched their own lives in some way, which to me is always a positive. Nonetheless, I feel like expressing my thoughts on the matter, and these notes have been the best method for that these past eight months.

So I wake up every weekday at 4:30 in the morning and jog for two miles. After I teach from 7:25-2:30 I coach from 3:00-5:00. From 5:00-7:00 I coach again at Tropical Park. From about 7:30-9:30 I bike or swim. I usually spend the next hour eating, answering e-mails and talking to students. I usually get to sleep around 10:30 on weeknights, and wake up again the next morning at 4:30 to repeat the process. And I love every minute of it.

I get to work wide awake while others are sleep-walking until they get their morning coffee. Mind you, I'm not judging...if anything, I'm envious of anyone who can be married, raise children, coach and meet the demands of being a teacher all at the same time. I feel lucky in a sense that I don't have those responsibilities yet and am able to live my life according to my own whims and schedule.

So...back to the point. On a daily basis I am cautioned on pushing myself too hard, training too much, taking on too many responsibilities, becoming consumed by my work, etc. The big question is always...why? "Why wake up so early, why train so much, why sacrifice your free time, why don't you give your body a break?" The questions are innumerable. So why is the answer always portrayed as monolithic and universal?

I'm still not quite sure why the questions I am asked are always accompanied by an answer from the person who does the asking. "Well, he's just compensating. It's obvious that he's not over his last relationship. He needs more friends, he doesn't have anyone to spend time with. You're spending too much time focusing on the job, you need to remember to save some time for yourself. You do too much." Or my personal favorite..."you're crazy. Just plain dumb-as-a-brick crazy".

So, more and more I've been thinking to myself about these things and finally decided I would post something. These notes have always been my personal expressions and thoughts. The fact that I post them for my friends to see is not a cry for attention, sympathy, congratulations or anything else that might comment a response. They are just my thoughts or experiences. That being said, I still enjoy all comments and criticisms. Any communication is always better than no communication.

The why...

I work my butt off at school because I love my job. I like what I'm teaching, I like the students that I'm teaching, the faculty I work with, the school I'm teaching at...everything. I was given such a rare opportunity, and I want to make sure I dedicate myself to being good at what I do.

I coach because without Cross Country I would not be the man I am today. Just running. I owe so much to running that I can never truly repay the debt in full. My senior year of XC at Coral Gables was such a memorable and character defining experience of my life that I can only hope that in coaching I can somehow impart my passion and experiences upon them. This is especially true of those individuals I see bringing their passion to the field, the track, or wherever else we may be running.

I train for me. I train so that I can become a better man than I was the day before. I train so that I can compete. I train because I want to win. I train because it's fun. I train because I love it. I train because it serves as a daily offering of thanks for the blessings of a sound and fit body. I train in honor of those who are less fortunate than me and cannot do what I do.

I read stories about, hear of, or see people that have suffered from some physical or mental injury, disease, accident, sheer bad luck, whatever the case may be. And every time...every time, without fail, I think of how lucky I am. So when it's 4:30 in the morning and I'd rather be sleeping, when it's 9:00 at night on a school night and I'm tired or cramping from a long day's work...When it's noon on a weekend and I'm running mile 16 in the sun and dehydrated...When it's 9 in the morning on a Sunday and I realize I'm only half way done, and have another 50 miles left on my bike...I force myself to roll out of bed, I make myself swim those extra laps, I grit my teeth and run through the pain, I pick myself up off the floor, dust off my hands and pick up my pace...because everything I have ever endured in my life is a small pittance compared to what some people have to live with on a daily basis. The pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain others have in their lives.

So by all means, comment, critique, judge, attempt to persuade, admire, scold...do what you will. But don't presume. Because the why...is something you will never understand.

That...and I'm an endorphin junky. ;)

A Midsummer Night's Dream: Training over the Summer

2008-09-07T20:07:00.000-04:00

Originally written on Sunday, August 26, 2007 at 4:00pm

Well, with school in full swing my training has definitely been forced into a much more awkward schedule. I find myself thinking about getting in a run during lunch at school...but I enjoy the company of my department too much. Coaching is such a fulfilling experience for me, so I wouldn't give that up...mostly it's been sleep that has had to make a sacrifice. Oh how I long for the days of summer. There's really nothing to compare with waking up late (hey, 8 am is late for me) and not having to worry about anything but getting in two workouts in the day.

So the triathlon trilogy has been a pretty good way for me to measure my progress over the course of the summer...at least to a certain extent. It was definitely hard with this last triathlon being at the end of the first week of school. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a while, and I know that I'm going to physically burn myself out unless I find a way to make everything fit into a 24 hour day. I have a splitting headache and it's progressively gotten worse since Wednesday. If anyone has any suggestions on sleeping (I won't take drugs for it) please toss them my way.

Well here's how I stacked up in the three triathlons...one in June, July and the most recent one today.

Swim - T1 - Bike - T2 - Run - Total - Overall
0:08:24 1:36 0:28:48 0:55 0:20:17 1:00:00.211 103

0:07:05 2:50 0:27:46 0:38 0:19:55 0:58:14.356 53

0:07:05 2:54 0:26:13 0:39 0:19:13 0:56:04.068 35

Not too bad considering...although I really have to find a way to get that first transition time down under 2 minutes...it makes no sense, but somehow I was in there for 3 minutes.

So Close and yet so far: a Bittersweet Victory

2008-09-07T20:05:00.002-04:00

Originally written on Sunday, July 22, 2007 at 1:31pm

So today was the second stage of the Trilogy Triathlon sprint series sponsored by Mack Cycle and Accelerade.

Last month was the first race, and it was the first race I participated in after completing the 1/2 IronMan in May. It was a bit of a slow recovery and I wasn't comfortable with the way my training had progressed, but I managed to put in a respectable showing. I ended up finishing 3rd in my age group (after someone who was ahead of me dropped back to penalties...yay me) and 103rd overall out of about 800 participants. My time was exactly 60 minutes.

So after a 2 week vacation in Sanibel Island I was finally able to get back to my pre-1/2 IronMan levels of training, and I felt much more comfortable coming into this second sprint in the series. Here's what the stats broke down to:

Tri #1 Swim T1 Bike T2 Run Total Age Group Overall
8:24 1:36 28:48 0:55 20:17 1:00:00 3/14 103/620
Tri #2
7:05 2:50 27:46 0:38 19:55 0:58:14 2/16 53/573

I was really happy with everything except the run. The first transition time seems very high, but I think they just measured it differently. In the first race the first transition was short and the swim lasted longer, so my Swim + T1 is how I look at that, in which they are comparable. My bike was really good today, and I'm thrilled I was able to shave off another minute from the 10 mile. The Second transition I knew I destroyed, and the run was alright. I was really aiming for a 19 flat, but it was raining the entire 5k and I managed to put in a decent time for it.

I don't feel like I won 2nd place though, I feel like I lost 1st. I had it in my grasps, and the guy beat me by 31 seconds. On the plus side though, I couldn't have lost to a nicer guy. He also beat me by about 30 seconds in the LAST race...so now it's about pride ;)

The race did end on a bitter-sweet note for me however. Because of the rain, all of my gear was soaked. That includes my tri-bag with all of my stuff. Which happened to include my iPod and cell phone. While my cell phone is still working (somewhat) I'm afraid the iPod kicked the bucket. Goodbye Mini-Me. I'll miss you and all the fun runs we had together.

Six Hours Later...Becoming 1/2 of an IronMan

2008-09-07T20:04:00.000-04:00

Originally written on Monday, May 21, 2007 at 8:48am

"Swim 2.4 miles! Bike 112 miles! Run 26.2 miles! Brag for the rest of your life!"
— CDR Collins, (1978)

After starting up swimming and cycling as part of my cross-training for marathon running, I really began to enjoy the changes in my workout routines. Instead of just running seven days a week with various workouts, swimming and cycling gave me a break from the monotony and at the same time helped to get me into better shape overall. I never thought I would end up competing in triathlons.

I started swimming and cycling shortly after the Gainesville marathon in the middle of February 2007. Two weeks later, on March 4th, I finished the Sarasota marathon and one week after that I competed in my first triathlon in Clermont, Florida. Despite being exhausted and somewhat depleted from all of the effort involved in sustaining those levels for almost a month, I had such a wonderful experience.

Fast-forward three months and three more sprint triathlons and we reach May 20, 2007. After the Sarasota marathon I wanted to push myself further and see how far I could push myself. When I finished that first triathlon in Clermont on March 11th, I realized I had a new avenue to pursue that goal. Having missed the registration for the St. Anthony's Olympic distance tri (0.93 mile swim, 24.8 mile bike, 6.2 mile run) I saw the opportunity to compete in this year's Florida 1/2 IronMan in Orlando. So, with about three months of swimming( my longest swim being little over a mile) and cycling(my longest ride being 50 miles) and a lifetime of running under my belt, I decided to make the 1/2 IronMan my next great achievement.

Six hours. What can you do in six hours? I can run a marathon in about three hours. I can drive from Miami to Gainesville in about five hours. Six hours. In six hours I can swim 1.2 miles, bike 56 miles, and run 13.1 miles. Six hours. Non-stop. I never would have dreamed of doing something like this six months ago. I have no idea what I'll be doing six months from now. But today, I'm a 1/2 IronMan.

For those of you who've read my earlier notes you know that my grandmother passed away very quickly after being diagnosed with Ovarian cancer. When I first found out, I thought I would have at least a year to spend with her before the cancer ran its course. Less than two weeks later she was gone. I was never able to tell her goodbye. She always did so much for me and never asked for anything in return. I told myself that I was going to finish the 1/2 IronMan no matter what it cost me in honor of her memory. And so I dedicate my life's greatest achievement-to-date to my grandmother Beatriz Rodrigues, born March 5, 1931 died but never forgotten on August 29, 2006. I hope that she found the happiness she always bestowed upon others returned to her a hundred-fold. Goodbye Bea, I'll always love you.

There's no such Thing as an 'off' Day

2008-09-07T20:00:00.002-04:00

Originally written Saturday, March 31, 2007 at 3:54am

Sooo....today was a somewhat busy day. The last day before my "spring break", it was kind of busy with me trying to get a bunch of stuff done so I could actually enjoy my week off.

My day started off pretty much the same as any other. I woke up, ate breakfast, showered, did some light weightlifting, stretches, then abdominal exercises. I got dressed, went to work, etc. After school was very different then the norm for me. Normally on Friday's I'll go for a light run (3.1 miles) and a long bike ride (working up to 75 miles soon I hope). Instead, I ended up going out for drinks with some friends after work. Whiskey + gingerale, White Russian, Amaretto sour, and some sort of combination between Stoli vanilla and a Shirley Temple.

Anyways, all good stuff, but I still had no time to get my workout in. I ended up going back to work for Senior night with the softball team. Great fun, bunch of nice kids, got to talk with a couple coworker friends, etc. I go home and do my evening light weightlifting, stretches and abdominal exercises and get ready to go run...and then I get a phone call. A couple friends of some friends are in town and the plan is to head out to dinner.

So, no time to workout. I hop in the shower, change, and I'm out the door again. 2 shots of sake, one Southside sling (plum wine and sake), one bottle of raspberry wine + sake and some good General Tso's chicken (even lightly fried food gives me an upset stomach now :(...meh) Of course the post-dinner plan is to head back to a friend's apartment to....yes, drink some more, and then head out for the night. 2 more shots of some God awful concoction of 5 different liquers that should never...ever be mixed together. Out the door to downtown (midtown would have been so much better). The night scene turns out flat, head home, relax a bit with the brother etc. then go back out to pick up some friends who weren't feeling the club either.

Hang out at the apartment for a bit and then I head home...by this time it's 2:35 in the morning. But...I still haven't gotten in a workout. So of course, I change back into my running clothes and run a quick 5k. Nothing too intense, since I have my long runs scheduled every Saturday (18.2 miles for this week). Get back home vowing never again to consume any fried foods or that much sake and wine again knowing I still have to run later in the evening. Well, I'm off to stretch, shower, and go to sleep so I can wake up by 8 a.m. feeling miserably exhausted and run down those miles.

No real reason for me to post this other than I wanted to share it with someone...and I don't have anyone to share it with :)
And also because several people have told me that I push myself too hard and that I need to take days off...well, there is no such thing as an "off" day for me. Sorry :p

Here are some inspirational quotes I use to help motivate myself. I hope that you may either find meaning in the following words...or at least get a kick out of knowing how sappy I am :) Cheers.

"While most are dreaming of success, winners wake-up and work hard to achieve it."

"Quitters never win. Winners never quit. But those who never win AND never quit are idiots." (I love this one)

"Commitment: Determination is often the first chapter in the book of excellence."

"Drive: Welcome the chores that make you go beyond yourself." (Most often repeated in my head.)

"If you are not living on the edge, then you are taking up too much space."

"The block of granite which was an obstacle on the path of the weak, becomes a stepping stone in the path of the strong."

"Perseverence: It is to the one who endures that the final victory comes."

"In matters of style, swim with the currents. In matters of principle, stand like a rock." -Thomas Jefferson (Just love this as a general rule.)

"Risk: Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." -André Gide (Especially on those long, open water swims.)

"Strength: The process of directing one's scattered forces into one powerful channel." (I just find that this particular quote resonates with my personality.)

"The nerve that does not relax, the thought that will not wander, the purpose that never waivers - these are the masters of victory."

Something to Prove...Take Two?!

2008-09-07T19:59:00.000-04:00

Originally written Sunday, March 11, 2007 at 8:48pm

No...not really. After spending so much time preparing for the marathon and going through the whole ordeal (wearing the cotton shirt, soaked in water, freezing, etc.) I really needed to do another marathon just so I could finish. By that point, I didn't care what my finishing time was for the first marathon, I just wanted to be able to say 'I completed a marathon'. A week ago today I ran in the Sarasota marathon and had such an amazing experience.

Well...the week leading up to the Sarasota marathon also saw me register for 'The Great Escape' triathlon held in Clermont, Florida on March 11. There was really no reason for it, other than that I thought it would be fun, thought it would be a great experience, and it would give me a taste for another one of my life goals: completing an Iron Man competition.

Anyways, like I was saying, the week leading up to the Sarasota marathon I was doing some very light running and started swimming and biking in order to continue building up my workouts. Directly after the marathon, I only ran on Thursday night (the one night I go running that week and I get hit by a car, not so much fun). I did some pretty good combination workouts with the bike and swim (20 miles biking and 1/4-3/5 mile swims). I had so much fun alternating my workouts, it was really nice to give my running muscles a break since I had run 7 days a week since May 2006.

So I talked with an old friend of mine who is a physical therapist in Miami (and a world championship qualifier for Iron Man). She gave me some great tips on how to direct my training, buying equipment, etc...and of course, told me not to overdo it(just like everyone else :-P).

I left for Orlando Friday morning to judge a national qualifying debate tournament. It was so much fun. The kids were great and the level of performance was very impressive. I can't wait to see some of them perform at the national tournament in Houston at the end of May.

After the tournament ended Saturday afternoon I left for the site of the triathlon in Clermont. It was a surprisingly hilly area with some beautiful scenery and lakes. I picked up my race packet and took a look at the course before going to the hotel. I spent alot of time resting up that day since I've been going non-stop for so long. It was good to just spend 2-3 hours in the hotel bed watching college basketball and some movies.

I woke up at 4 a.m. to prepare for the race (skipping ahead an hour for daylight savings was fun......). I got all my stuff prepped, stretched and headed to the course. It was 57 degrees that morning, which was perfect running weather...but I had to go swimming in 65 degree water for 3/5 a mile before biking and running in that 57 degree weather...so it was a very cold day :-P Fortunately, the wet suit I bought really helped me to survive the cold and the swim portion of the race.

Unfortunately, the suit didn't help with getting kicked in the face a few times. It wasn;t on purpose, it's just hard to swim in the middle of a four or five hundred person pack. I swam into people who were going slower than me, which was really bothersome because it continually forced me to stop and redirect myself to avoid other people. At the same time, some people who were swimming faster than me got kicked (hopefully in the hands and not the face...) and had to redirect around me. The current was pretty strong throughout the swim...I felt like every three strokes I took forward brought me back about two with the current. It was also difficult because, unlike the very nice clean and clear pool, the water was very murky and it was hard to swim in a straight line. I must have swam an extra 200 meters just zigzagging back and forth trying to get to the next buoy.

Once I finally got out of the water I felt like the hardest part of the race was over with. I stripped out of my wet suit, dried my feet and put on my shoes, helmet, gloves, etc. It was sort of funny being one of two people who did not have a tri-bike/road bike (mine was a converted mountain bike with hybrid wheels). No matter how much effort I put into it, every time I passed someone they would be able to pass me back with very little effort. It was a little frustrating at first because I get very competitive...especially at the one or two people who were a little condescending when looking at my bike. Apparently the Clermont triathlon is an upper-echelon event and a qualifier for the Alcatraz tri in California, so it brings a lot of elite competition. I just smiled though...I told myself I would see them again in the run portion of the race.

Once I finally got off my bike, I was very excited because I was feeling really good, and felt confident about the run. (3.1 miles? Nice cool down for me now :p) I started off on a brisk wobble...it's kind of hard to transition straight into a run after biking for an hour straight on hilly terrain. It was also a little difficult because whoever put the course together thought it would be fun for everyone to run through the loose sandy beach for a bit. Once I finally got off of the sand and onto some stable terrain I took off. I told myself I wanted to have a strong run and started counting the number of people I passed. It was especially satsifying passing those few people who had given me the looks about my bike :D

I'm not sure what my time splits were for each portion of the race yet, I'll post them when I get the information. I did however end up passing 42 people during the run.......very satisfying. I finished the race in a time of 1:47. I was shooting for anything under 2 hours, so I felt like I had a great race and a great experience. I met several nice people who gave me some great advice for investing in a good entry-level bike. It was amazing how many people who came to participate were from Europe and spoke almost no English. It seemed that almost half of the competitors had traveled from outside the continental U.S. I was very impressed. Anyways, overall I had such a wonderful time. I got some great educational experience on competing in a triathlon, met some nice people, got some good tips on how to improve (especially with a new bike :P) and can't wait to compete in my next one.

I'm not sure where I'll go from here. I definitely will continue running marathons. I'm a runner first and foremost. I will also continue to swim and bike in order to break the monotony of training and just to have fun. Thanks for reading and, as always, feedback is appreciated!

Just a Guy With Something to Prove?

2008-09-07T19:57:00.001-04:00

Originally written Sunday, Mach 4, 2007 at 6:30pm

...you bet. Well, for those of you who have read my last few posts, you know that I was training to run the Gainesville Five Points of Life marathon on February 18th. After months of training and building up the event, I ran into a brick wall in the name of hypothermia. Ultimately, I have only myself to blame for not taking the proper precautions and making the correct adjustments to cope with the freezing weather on the day of the race. I took pride in the fact that my training was perfect and that I ran an amazing race for the distance I did complete. Yet at the same time I felt as if I had let myself down by not finishing the race.

Sooooooo....I did what I always do. I push myself over the limit in order to achieve my goal. Instead of taking the normal three weeks off to slowly rebuild my muscles/endurance, I started training runs the very next day after the Gainesville marathon. Six days after the marathon I ran 11 miles and, despite some tightness and pain in my muscles, I felt that I could push myself through another 26.2 mile run. I spent some time that week searching for the next marathon in Florida and saw that there was one being held in Sarasota, Fl on March 4th. It was the last calendar marathon in Florida until November/December 2007. There was only one problem...I was supposed to be in Niceville that weekend judging a debate tournament.

I frantically tried to find a solution that would allow me to keep my promise to a colleague and still run in the marathon. I called the race coordinator, who very graciously offered to hold on to my race packet and drop it off at my hotel if I registered in time. So, even though I would miss the race expo and the pre-race events, I would still have my race equipment and be able to run at 6 a.m. Sunday morning.

Thursday afternoon we left for the debate tournament, and 4 1/2 hours later we were in Destin. The beach/resort/tournament was an amazing experience. I managed to leave the tournament early Saturday despite a few....minor problems and 3 1/2 hours later (what can I say, I drive faster alone) I was back in Gainesville. I quickly showered, ate 3 servings of pasta, changed my travel pack, and was on my way to Sarasota. I finally arrived around 8 p.m. and checked in to the hotel. I met the race coordinator, picked up my gear, ate a banana and hit the sack.

I woke up Sunday morning at 4 a.m. feeling pretty good. I knew that my muscles were going to cramp long before the race was done, but was determined not to stop. The unfinished marathon in Gainesville had become something that I needed to redeem. I needed closure in order to move on in my life and my training.

The race started promptly at 6, and I was off. I was hoping to manage a 7:30/mile pace for the first half of the marathon...and just try to survive after that. I started feeling the pain through my IT band (knee, hamstring) before the second mile marker...definitely not a good sign. It only finally settled down around the halfway point, but by then I started getting cramps in my hamstrings and calf muscles. The combination of the hard effort two weeks before, the lack of rest and recovery, and another hard effort at Sarasota was definitely taking its toll. Despite the pain, I finally managed to surge through the finish line at 3:37. Much slower than my pace two weeks before, but considering the circumstances, I'm happy with the performance. I spent the last 1.5 miles passing by other runners, surging with a last-ditch effort sprint. The muscle spasms I endured after the race ended were extremely painful. The price, however, was well worth it.

When I finally crossed, I felt a combination of elation and bitter satisfaction. The weather was perfect all day. The course, despite the long incline over the bridge, was extremely flat. Knowing I didn't run my best race because of the weather two weeks ago, and exhaustion today, was somewhat frustrating. However, the joy of finally finishing the marathon was enough to wash those thoughts away. I completed my marathon goal, and now I can spend some time recovering before my next event. Well....at least a little bit of rest. One day should be enough. Maybe I can still swim and bike, and I'll only take the day off from running.......What can I say, I'm still crazy.

Thanks for reading and, as always, feedback is always welcome and desired.

Looking at the Good in the Bad

2008-09-07T19:55:00.001-04:00

Originally written Sunday, 18 February 2007 at 5:33pm

So today was the big day. The short version is that I didn't finish. I stopped at the 22nd mile marker suffering from a moderate case of hypothermia. But I don't feel bad about the race at all. I actually think I had an amazing race.

The longer version goes like this..

I woke up around 4:45 and did my usual morning routine. I got all my stuff together and checked the weather report. Even though the forecast said high of 53 low of 29, surprisingly the current temperature around 6 a.m. was 45 degrees. This made me very happy because that was the low end of the ideal temperatures aI had been training in. I still dressed in a sweater and windbreaker pants to keep myself warm prior to the race starting.

About 10 minutes before the race started I checked in my equipment bag and took off my sweater/pants. This left me in my Under Armour attire, the marathon race shirt and a pair of short running shorts that I look rather sexy in (sorry not the hot pink pair).

The race got off to a great start. I was maintaining a 7 minute mile pace and felt very comfortable in my stride. There was this woman who kept trying to pass me on the downhills (by the way, a surprisingly hilly course). I kept passing her again on the uphills. By mile eleven the two of us had passed by most of the half-marathoners and marathoners so I decided to ask her which she was running. Turns out she was running her 7th marathon and trying to qualify for the Boston marathon later in the year. She didn't believe me at first when I told her I was running my first marathon ;) We both thanked each other for pushing the other to keep pace and we spent the next 3 miles or so talking about what we were doing in Gainesville, etc. Very nice woman, but I digress.

The two of us passed the half-way point in 1:32, we were making very good time. We continued to run at about a 7 minute pace for the next 5 miles, but I started to notice the wind was really picking up and the temperature was starting to drop pretty drastically. I found out later that with the wind chill the temperature had dropped from a comfortable 45 to a very chilly 29-30. (sigh) Anyways, by mile 18 my watch showed 2:10, we were still making very good time. However, despite not being tired or sore I found that I couldn't maintain the pace any longer. In addition to the cold weather, all of the water/gatorade that had spilled onto my clothes had really started to affect my body temperature. I found that I had no body heat whatsoever, and the clothes I was wearing were only adding to the cold.

I spent the next 3 miles trying to maintain a sub-8 minute pace and it was working pretty well, but the cold winds were just staggering me. I started shivering uncontrollably, my face started to tingle with numbness, I got dizzy and lightheaded, etc. The last mile was pretty much spent with me walking 2 minutes and stumbling in a lurch for 1 minute. By the 22nd mile marker I realize I could continue on and probably suffer a serious injury or illness by the time I finished, or I could call it a day, shrug off the extenuating circumstances, and look at the experience in a positive light.

So I stopped my time at the 22nd mile marker at 2:42. Had I been warmer and able to finish at my previous pace I would have made it under 3:!5, and possibly 3:!0 depending on my last surge. The woman I spent the first 18 miles with finished 3rd in the full marathon. So I feel good knowing that I was competing on a very high level. Now I get to take a week of light rest, cross-training etc. and then start training for my next, hopefully warmer marathon.

And next time I will be setting a goal of 2:59. Gotta keep pushing myself ya know :)

The Struggle for Victory Against One's Self

2008-09-07T19:46:00.003-04:00

Originally written Sunday, January 28, 2007 at 4:52pm

Hello everyone, and welcome to my first official blog! Well, in order to get things moving I decided to post some of my previous journal writings to give visitors a chance to read a little bit about me and what I have done in my recent life.

I was going to wait another three weeks to write this, but the fact that I actually managed to do "it"has inspired me enough to write this. This note revolves around a comparison against myself, then a struggle against myself, and finally a series of thoughts, inspirations, etc. I experienced during my run today.

First things first...a comparison between the man I am today and the man I was a year ago. Last year at this time I was flying out to the University of Hawaii at Manoa to deliver a paper at the annual East-West Center graduate conference. While there, I probably had the most enriching and fulfilling academic experience of my life. I met a number of intriguing people from all over the world and heard papers on numerous topics from several different disciplines of study. I still remember packing my bags carelessly with several different outfits for the presentation. It was only after I arrived at the conference when dressing for the opening ceremonies did I realize that none of my clothes fit! It had been a few months since I had last worn formal clothing, but I did not realize at the time how much weight I had gained while working on my Master's degree. I remember how upset I was, and remember how ashamed I felt when I could not even finish running three miles around the UHawaii complex without experiencing fatigue and muscle pains.

Fast forward one year later, and I now have my Master's degree and teach at a high school in Gainesville. I now wonder if I should try and pursue academic possibilities that could take me back to the University of Hawaii. It's definitely an option that presents tempting opportunities.

Today also marks the first time I was able to finish running 26.2 miles non-stop. With exactly three weeks left until the official Five Points of Life marathon, I was becoming anxious about not being able to log in a long enough run to reassure me about my endurance. After a failed attempt yesterday(only managed 13.1) due to some nerve/muscle problems in my right leg and dehydration from the night before, mild disappointment began to settle in. I woke up this morning with the hopes that my leg would settle down during the run, and I would finally be able to break the 20 mile barrier that had eluded me these past few weeks. The weather was near perfect throughout the run, and after 3:43:20 I staggered across the finish line of my run and near collapsed out of exhaustion and joy. I now have complete confidence in my ability to run the marathon in three weeks.

It's amazing how much thinking a person can do when running for such an extended period of time. After six or seven miles, my leg did finally begin to relax and settle in the rhythm of the run. The following is and interpretation of my body's progression throughout today's run. I found part of it extremely comical and part of it inspiring, but I will let you decide for yourselves...

Mile three:
Brain: "This is going pretty well".
Body: "Yeah, because you are doing so much right now..."
Right leg: "This hurts,(stride)this hurts,(stride)this hurts..."
Bladder: "Um....is this a bad time?"

Mile seven:
Brain: "Oh God I'm bored..."
Body: "...I hate you."
Right leg: "Well, this is better."
Bladder: "Yeah...about that whole 'bathroom' thing..."

Mile thirteen:
Brain: "Well, at least we're half-way there."
Body: "Seriously...do you get paid to do this? You have it so easy."
Left ankle: "Remember being sprained four or five times? Yep, starting to hurt."
Bladder: "Okay, in all seriousness....can we take a bathroom break?"

Mile seventeen:
Brain: "Come on, don't give up...you can do this."
Body: "Easy for you to say...I don't know how much longer I can keep this up."
Right leg: "I can't feel a thing. I'm supposed to be feeling something...right?"
Left ankle: "This really sucks. Don't complain when you find me swollen tomorrow."
Bladder: "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...can you stop MOVING so much?!"

Mile twenty:
Brain: "I've got nothing left...no energy, no water, we really need to stop."
Body: "I'm completely numb from the pain. There are dried salt stains all over..."
Right leg: "Stop slacking over there..."
Left ankle: "Hey, where were you for the first ten miles?!"
Right leg: "At least I'm not slowing us down...let's just stop and call it a day."
Heart: "We're not stopping." (Corny as hell, I know. But it kept me going)

Mile twenty-four:
Brain: "..."
Body: "..."
Right leg: "..."
Left ankle: "..."
Heart: "We will not yield. No surrender, no retreat."

Thirty minutes after mile twenty-six:
Brain: "Blessed food...keep this coming, we need more fluids here."
Body: "That's right. Who's the man? I'm the man..."
Right leg: "Can we take it easy for a bit now?"
Left ankle: "Do I look swollen to you? I feel a little....I dunno...bloated is not it..."
Right leg: "You're just fat. Now be quiet."
Left ankle: "..."
Bladder: "FREEDOM! *crying* Oh it feels so good...thank you Lord!"

I swear I am not crazy...but I really did start thinking this up while running in order to distract and amuse myself. It really inspired me to keep going when I thought about my body and brain failing but my heart staying the course. Resolute, determined, dedicated to the last. My bladder drove me crazy for most of the run...I usually never have to use the restroom when running, but I must have had too many fluids in the early morning.

There was a point when the sun was down and the cold winds were making me lose balance I was so tired. Randomly a thought crossed my mind: "What are you fighting for?" Like a searing brand across my mind, the gray fog of exhaustion cleared. A shiver ran down my spine, and the fatigue washed away from my limbs. Adrenaline suffused my body, and with renewed determination I plowed on, refusing to stop no matter the cost. I give credit my heart for never giving up, never listening to those tiny whispers of doubt and temptation. Never hearing those thousands of microscopic fractures in my legs crying out in pain. My heart saw me through this day, and I pray it will always be there to whisper encouragement to me in the days to come.

Thank you so much reading through this incredibly long note. Your efforts are sincerely appreciated. I only hope that you take away some enjoyment or understanding from this. I crave feedback, so please let me know what you think. Thank you again.

Run For Hope...

2008-09-02T21:26:00.002-04:00

This site is officially founded to help me accomplish my goal of participating in the 777 Hope Runs Challenge in 2010.

Seven marathons.
Seven continents.
Seven weeks.

A lot of money...

You can find all of the relevant information pertaining to the event at www.hoperuns.org

After I finish uploading all of my backlogged content I'll start writing my posts for the challenge and regularly update my progress.

Thank you for all the support!